


Murder Me Not

by Write_reader23



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Angst, Cop!Alec, M/M, Military!Alec, Supportive Magnus Bane
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-10
Updated: 2019-06-01
Packaged: 2020-02-29 05:53:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 51,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18772552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Write_reader23/pseuds/Write_reader23
Summary: Alec Lightwood, a homicide detective struggling with PTSD from his stint in the military, wants nothing more than to stop the Circle, a notorious drug ring. But when his darling little sister brings a gorgeous model to his precinct for protection, Alec gets assigned as his bodyguard. Gay but unwilling to admit it, Alec bottles up his attraction and attempts to hide his tattered mental state from a ridiculous man who may have stolen his heart. What will happen to these hopeless men when the Circle decides that they make the perfect targets?





	1. What A Mess

**Author's Note:**

> I have never been so emotional over two non-straight guys in my life.

"I need to ask you a favor," Izzy asked hesitantly through the phone.

Alec sighed, running a hand through his hair as he leaned back in his chair. A case file was open on his desk, the gruesome pictures of a murder-suicide flashing up at him. Why would he be investigating a seemingly obvious case? Because there was evidence of three people there and the involvement of a drug lord.

Crime was never easy in New York City. It was one of the reasons why Alec loved it.

"What?" he asked his baby sister.

"So there's this agency right? High level, very famous. Well, one of their models is currently under attack by the press because of a relationship scandal. Basic stuff. But the fans of the other party are completely _insane_ and have given the model several death threats. _My_ company does not want to risk lawsuits and whatnot so the conditions of the contract are that the model be appointed a full-time bodyguard. I think—"  
"No," Alec bit out. "I love you, Iz. But I will _not_ assign one of my men to babysit a _model_. Just get a rent-a-cop from some security company and be done with it."

"Jace thinks—"

"I don't _care_ what Jace thinks"—they both knew that was a lie—"and I won't waste a good man on something so trivial."

"But Alec," she dragged out his name, "he's really hot and I think—"

Alec laughed harshly. "Are you kidding me? All of this to set me up with someone? Don't be ridiculous."

"Come _on_ , big brother. You need to get back out there. I know things didn't go well with Lydia but I also know you're not _heartbroken_ over it. So what's the problem?" Izzy persuaded.

Alec sighed again. "I'm busy, Iz. I'll see you at dinner." He hung up before she could protest.

He turned back to the file, studying the finer details about the case. Jace was already looking into the man's connection to the drug lord. All Alec needed to do was dig about the women and the easiest way to do that was through the girl's family.

He grabbed his jacket and headed out.

***

His phone vibrated in his pocket and he pulled it out as he walked down the dilapidated steps. Apparently, the girl's family hadn't seen her in over three years and were unsurprised by her unfortunate end.

Some people truly disgusted Alec.

"What Izzy?" he asked.

"Do I sound like Izzy to you?" came a mocking voice.

Alec rolled his eyes. "Whinny and high pitched? Yes, yes you do, Jace."

Jace snorted. "You're _hilarious_. I got a lead and want some back up. Meet me at the Pandemonium Club."

"Don't do anything stupid," Alec warned.

It was far too late for that.

"What is your problem, man?" Jace demanded, his face mere inches from the bouncer's.

"If you're not on the list, you can't enter," the man replied dully.

Alec pushed through the line, mumbling his apologies at the disgruntled people. He placed a hand on Jace's shoulder, squeezing tightly. He gave the bouncer a wry grin. "I apologize for my partner," he said, grabbing his badge from the inner pocket of his jacket. "Detectives for the NYPD, we're investigating a homicide."

Bouncer looked unamused. "Wait here."

Alec shot a glare at Jace. "Seriously? Could you not have led with that?"

His partner shrugged with a grin. "Where's the fun in that?"

"You're a dumbass," Alec replied fondly.

"And you're too serious."

The bouncer returned, an Asian man on his heels. The man had thick lines of kohl around his deep brown eyes, glittering eyeshadow just above. He patted a ringed hand against the bouncer's shoulder. "It's okay, Bat, let the handsome detectives through."

Jace grinned and Alec rolled his eyes.

The man's eyes dragged down Alec lazily before he gestured for them to follow him. They ended up on the second floor in a cluttered office.

Jace took his seat and Alec begrudgingly took the one next to him. The man gracefully sat behind the desk, his flamboyant shirt a deep maroon matched the streaks in his hair. Alec couldn't help but stare.

"Magnus Bane, at your service," the man introduced.

Jace leaned back in his chair, the perfect picture of relaxed whereas Alec's spine was a straight as a stick—something he definitely was _not_ , though he'd never admit it. "Detective Herondale and this is my partner, Detective Lightwood."

Magnus raised an eyebrow. "Partner or _partner_?" Dark eyes landed on Alec who pretended he couldn't feel the heat rising in his cheeks.

Jace chuckled. "He's my brother."

"Interesting," Magnus mused. "Now, let's get down to business."

"Do you know what the Circle is?" Jace asked.

Magnus looked grim as he nodded. "You mean the druggies lacing the heroin and stuff? What a pain in my ass," he muttered.

Alec narrowed his eyes. "So you know them?"

Magnus scoffed. "Of _course_ I know them. I was _dating_ one. Of course, she didn't know it at the time."

Nothing, and Alec meant _nothing_ , made sense about those sentences. "You admit to colluding with a known drug ring?"

"Well, this is interesting," Jace said, smirking.

Magnus glared at the blonde. "Didn't you hear me? She didn't know until _after_."

Alec pinched his nose. He was beginning to think that Magnus was a few marbles short, or maybe he didn't have any to begin with. "How would she not have known? And after what?"

Magnus sighed. "My ex was in debt because one of her lines failed and was desperate for cash. She started selling and didn't know she had been recruited by the Circle until after one of her customers OD'd."

Jace's pen was flying across his pad of paper. "Where is your girlfriend now?"

" _Ex_ ," Magnus corrected, giving Alec a look he couldn't interpret.

Alec cleared his throat. "Lines?"

Magnus gave an exaggerated eye roll. "Fashion, darling." Alec frowned.

"Her name?" Jace repeated.

"Camille Belcourt," he spat the name as if it were poison.

Jace sighed. "Well this was useless."  
Alec turned to his partner. "What do you mean?"

Jace gave him a Look. "My god, Alec, you _need_ to start paying attention to the news. And our _precinct_. For fuck's sake, it's like you don't live at the station. We arrested Ms. Belcourt a little less than two weeks ago."

It dawned on him then. "That annoying burnette who wouldn't stop screaming?"

Magnus gave a grim nod. "That was her alright."

Alec sighed, standing. "The murder was three days ago, Camille couldn't have been involved. Sorry for wasting your time, Mr. Bane," Alec said heading for the door.

"Wait," Jace said. "Who was Camille selling for?"

Magnus shrugged. "Our relationship ended a week before all that."

Jace nodded and stood as well, shaking Magnus's hand and then heading for Alec.

"And pretty boy?" Magnus called. Jace tilted his head to the side and Magnus flapped a hand. "Not you blondie." Alec's face flared and he ducked his head. Magnus grabbed a business card and sauntered around the desk, slowly taking Alec's hand and flipping it over, slapping the card into it.

Alec wasn't sure he was breathing.

"Call me," Magnus said cooly before opening the door to the hall in dismissal.

_What the hell?_

Jace nudged Alec's shoulder as the walked towards the stares. "He called you pretty," he teased.

"Shut up," Alec grumbled as his face turned red.

_Pretty boy..._

***

"Heading home?" Luke asked as he leaned against the doorframe to Alec's office.

"Yeah, dinner with the parents tonight," Alec drawled, closing his file and placing it in the desk drawer.

Luke looked grim. "Maryse and Robert are still together?" He knew about the cheating, the entire _city_ did.

"Unfortunately. As politicians, they only care about their public image, playing the perfect couple even after the scandal broke."

"What a mess," Luke mused.

Alec made a sound of agreement in the back of his throat. He pushed back from his desk. "I'll need the report of the Camille investigation," Alec told him. Despite Jace's belief that she had nothing to do with all this, Alec couldn't help but feel that they were missing _something_.

Luke knock a knuckle against the wooden door. "I'll have someone pull it out for tomorrow."

"Thank you, sir."

Luke waved a dismissive hand. "Have a nice night."

***

Alec ringed the doorbell and the great white door swung open on its hinges. The Institute—the coined name for the Lightwood Mansion—was home to two of the coldest politicians in New York.

"Alexander," Maryse greeted with a tight lipped smile.

"Mother," he replied curtly. He hated these weekly dinner, always being judged and scrutinized. The Institute was the _only place_ Alec couldn't act like himself. He had to be disciplined and callus. He had to act _straight_.

The last requirement was made particularly painful due to the fact that Maryse had invited _Lydia_. Alec ignored the knowing look Izzy sent his way, Jace too involved in his conversation with Robert to notice him.

Max smiled happily and rushed over to give Alec a tight hug. He was a junior in high school and despised every minute of it. More than anything, Alec wished he could take Max away from this toxic household. Alec had considered it more than one, fighting for custody. But against his power hungry parents, he never would've stood a chance against them in court.

Alec took his seat beside Izzy, Lydia across from him.

"Hello, Alec," she said bitterly, her blonde hair pulled out of her face.

"It's been a while, Lydia. How've you been doing?" he asked politely.

"Oh, I've been _great_ , ditched by my fiance a week before our wedding."

"Why are you even here?" Izzy bit out.

Lydia _harrumphed_. "My relationship with your parents is well-known." Of course, she was here because _his parents_ supplied a powerful name drop.

The dinner passed with minimal casualties and tense conversation. Jace and Alec questioned about work, Izzy questioned about her fashion magazine, Lydia asked about her new relationship with some politician named John.

Overall, it was as horrible as Alec had come to expect.

Izzy stopped him in the hall as he was grabbing his jacket. "Will you please consider my offer?" She flashed him her puppy-dog eyes and he crumbled.

" _Fine_. I'll consider it, but I would only be available after I solve this case," Alec said. They both knew that Alec wouldn't put someone else in his place. Izzy was using that to her advantage and Alec was well aware.

She launched herself forward, wrapping her arms around her big brother. "Thank you, _hermano_." Alec buried his head in her shoulder, muttering incoherently.

Jace slapped him on the shoulder. "Time to go home."

Alec nodded and released Izzy. "I will consider it," he reiterated. "But you will not call me again at work about it, yeah?" Izzy agreed and they left.

***

Alec slammed his hand against the metal table and Camille lifted her head, a smug grin on her face. Alec thumbed through her file and the information she had provided at her previous interrogation. "You never mentioned your involvement with Magnus Bane."

She tilted her head to the side. "Why would I? It was all over the tabloids."

"You said nothing about the girl who OD'd," Alec continued.

She tipped her head back and loosed a haughty laugh. "She didn't _die_. I'm not a murderer. Unlike _some_ people," she sneered, her smokey eyes dragging down Alec's uniform-clad body.

Images flashed through his mind, the screams ringing in his ears. Fire and dust catapulted into the air and the humvee flipped over, Blackthorn crying out for help and Alec being too late. Alec had been his Commanding Officer and had led his entire unit into a bloodbath.

Breath was stolen from Alec's lungs as the visions of blood assaulted him. His hands began to shake and he curled them into balls.

"Who was the girl?" Alec snapped, anger pulsing in his temple.

Camille lazily stared at the one-way glass. "I don't have to tell you anything."

"If you help in this case, you're time can be significantly reduced," Alec droned.

She straightened, interest flashing in her eyes. "Lily Chen."

Alec jotted down the name in the file. "Thank you for your cooperation."

"Any time, killer," she spat.

Alec pushed the bile back and marched from the room, gesturing for the guards to take her back to her cell.

Alec sat in his cruiser, his head resting against the steering wheel. Anxiety and grief rose in him, his heart shuttering and convulsing with his shattered breath. He couldn't breathe.

_"My girl can't wait for me to come home," Blackthorn boasted, a layer of sweat on his tanned face, an MK 47 in his hands._

_Alec laughed. "You expect us to believe that? Who would be able to tolerate you for such a long amount of time?" he said loudly to be heard over the rumble of the humvee._

_Blackthorn scoffed. "Look who's talking, sir. Your fiance is an uptight manipulator."_

_In normal circumstance, Alec would've been offended on behalf of his love. "My parents have wonderful taste," he replied dully._

_"An arranged marriage, how medieval," Raj mused. Alec rolled his eyes. Raj was always so bitter, about his deployment, about how Alec—a man five years younger than him—was his leader._

_"Shut up," Alec ordered, causing Blackthorn to laugh._

_Blackthorn was holding the picture of his girl close to his chest when Alec finally managed to crawl through the rubble to reach him._

_Dead. His entire unit._

_And Alec shouldn't have survived._

The ringtone of his cellphone startled Alec from his trance. Alec wasn't sure his heart was beating as he slowly raised it to his ear.

"Hello" he croaked, tears rolling down his face.

"Alec? What's wrong?" Jace demanded, worry weaved through the words.

He took a shuddering breath. "What? Nothing, I'm fine."

" _Bullshit_ ," Jace snapped.

Alec scrubbed at his face. "What do you want?"

"You were supposed to be back at the station ten minutes ago, man," he said wryly.

"Ten minutes is nothing," Alec reasoned.

Jace gave a derisive laugh. "For Alexander Lightwood, fifteen minutes early is too late."

He sighed. "I'll be there soon."

***

Alec called Jace and Luke into his office, displaying the case on the desk. "I think we need to track down Lily Chen. Camille was selling to her and we know users are able to find other sources once one is gone. We find her, we can find a Circle member who can lead us to the connection to the male vic."

Luke nodded thoughtfully. "Seems a little far fetched, but this is the only lead we've got right now."

Jace tapped his foot impatiently. "I'll start calling the hospitals. If she OD'd they'll have her on record."

Luke placed a hand on Alec's shoulder, squeezing lightly. "Are you alright, son?" he asked softly.

"Why does everyone keep asking me that!" he snapped, brushing off Luke's hand.

Luke gave him a Look. "Take the night off and get some sleep."

Alec sighed. "I'm _fine_ , Luke. I can take care of myself."

"I know, Alec. We _all_ know that. But just because you _can_ doesn't mean you _have_ to."

"I have some paperwork to go through," Alec protested.

Luke leaned against the desk. "The paperwork will be here tomorrow. Go. Home." Luke waited as Alec through his jacket over his shoulder, sliding his phone into his pocket. Luke patted his shoulder as he walked out of his office.

Alec stalled in the lobby of the precinct. "Izzy?"

Isabelle's head snapped up from her phone. She sauntered over and smacked him upside the head.

"What the _hell_?" he demanded, grabbing her arm before she could hit him again.

"I asked you for a favor," she replied.

He crossed his arms over his chest. "I thought I told you not to bother me a work."

"Well, it's hard to do when said model was _assaulted_. We're here to report it," Izzy explained, irritated.

Guilt slammed into him. "Shit. Iz, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were _that_ serious about the death threats."

She threw her hands in the air. "Why would I lie about that?"

Alec lowered his voice. "Because you're trying to set me up with him," he hissed.

Izzy paled. "I feel horrible about that now! If you had believed I was actually trying to protect someone, maybe you would've helped."

"You're right. I would've," Alec replied coldly.

Izzy flinched and Alec regretted his words. He opened his mouth the apologize but was never given the chance.

"Lightwood," Luke called. Izzy and Alec both turned towards him. He gave a wry grin. "Both of you should come on back."

"So much for my night off," Alec mocked.

Luke rolled his eyes and led them to the breakroom, immediately moving to turn on the coffee pot. "What did you want to see me about, Isabelle?"

Alec sent Izzy a look that she ignored as she sat on the couch. Alec grumbled and sat next to her.

"One of my potential models was assaulted, he's filing a report now. I wanted to ask you to supply a security detail," she said politely.

Luke leaned back against the counter, sipping his cup of coffee. "Normally, I would at least assign one man. But as we are in the middle of a large investigation, I can't spare the men."

"Alec said the same thing," Izzy admitted. "But I think it's _needed_."

Luke tilted his head. "Why?"

She flipped her dark hair over her shoulder. "Because he's—"

The door to the break room opened, interrupting. A man with glitter in his absurdly tall hair walked in and Alec's heart stopped.

"—Magnus Bane," Alec finished for her.

"Alexander," Magnus said, clasping his ringed hands in front of him, "what a lovely surprise." Alec startled, surprised that Magnus had guessed his full name. A large bruise was forming along his cheekbone. "You never called."

Izzy's mouth dropped and she sent an accusing glare to Alec. "You know each other?"

Alec opened his mouth then closed it.

"Pretty boy and egotistical blondie strutted into my club the other day to interrogate me about the Circle," Magnus explained.

"Alec, I'm assigning you to guard Mr. Bane," Luke cut in.

Alec sprang to his feet. He marched over to Luke and pressed a finger into his chest. "You're taking me off the case? You can't do that!"

"Watch yourself, Lightwood," Luke warned. "I'm not taking you off the case. You were so convinced that Lily Chen was the only lead, now you have another. Someone attack him, someone probably involved with the Circle. Your assignment is to watch and report back to me."

Alec took a step back, dragging a hand through his hair, he tugged on the strands as his breathing faltered. "You _can't_. Put Jace on it."

Luke set his coffee down and crossed his arms over his chest, a stern look crossing over his face. "I'm putting _you_ on it, Alec. That's an order."

Alec stumbled backward as panic gripped his chest. He couldn't protect him. He _couldn't_. Blackthorn and Raj and Underhill and Morgenstern. He couldn't protect them.

He—

"Breathe, _hermano_ ," Izzy whispered, wrapping her arms around him.

Alec roughly pushed her away and stormed out of the room.


	2. BlackHeart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Of course Izzy's successful. Why wouldn't she be? Her magazine works its magic and Alec is along for the ride, watching over her new model; Magnus Bane.

Alec ended up walking around the city, his hands tucked into his pockets. His mind was empty, forced to the nothingness that he desired, that he feared. He couldn't protect anyone. That was why he was a _homicide_ detective; it was impossible to save someone who was already dead.

His phone buzzed in his pocket but he ignored it.

***

He found himself back at the apartment he shared with Jace some time later. Izzy and Jace were sitting on the couch, watching a lame movie on TV. They heard the door open and shot up, staring at him with wide eyes.

He gave them a half wave, dropping his keys in the bowl by the door. "I'm going to bed," he announced hollowly.

Izzy shared a worried look with Jace.

Alec ignored them and retreated to his bedroom. He stripped, changing into a pair of loose sweatpants. He uncapped the water on his nightstand and downed two pills. He lay on the bed, waiting for the tiredness to wash over him, hoping desperately that he would be able to get some sleep.

Hoping he wouldn't wake up shaking with sweats and screams.

***

Alec walking into the precinct, drinking his third cup of coffee that morning. He nodded to the receptionist and went to his office, unsurprised to see a new file on his desk. He slumped into his chair, flipping through the papers; it was the orders for his new assignment.

Luke wanted Alec to guard Mr. Bane... and stay in his apartment for around-the-clock protection. Alec was beginning to wish his coffee was alcoholic. Alec's life was officially nonexistent, he was now only Magnus's shadow. Luke also jotted a note in the margins, saying that his assignment would last until this particular case was solved.

Alec rubbed at his stubble. Cases involving the Circle could last _months_.

"I wasn't sure you were coming back," Luke mused, a half-grin on his face. He tried for teasing but all Alec could hear was the irksome concern.

He huffed. "Like Jace wasn't going to drag me here."

Luke dipped his head in acknowledgement. "I'll tell Jace to pack some bags for you and leave them at Mr. Bane's. You're to meet him at his work.

"The club?" Alec asked, "Isn't it too early for that?"

He shook his head. "He's officially a model for _BlackHeart_. Isabelle is ecstatic. She's expecting you within the hour."

Alec rolled his eyes at his sister; he still couldn't believe she named her magazine that. _BlackHeart: Looking better in black than the widows of our enemies_. Jace had said that particular line shortly after Alec joined him on the force. Jace had been trying to find humor after Alec told him about Blackthorn. He didn't know it all, Alec didn't _want_ him to know.

Isabelle liked the name because it referenced her search for diversity. She rarely ever hired caucasian models. It was her signature, a fashion magazine that focused on the aspects of non-white beauty. It was no surprise that Izzy would've been looking for someone like Magnus Bane.

"Are you alright?" Luke asked. It was his usual question. Alec supplied his usual answer and Luke left him to collect his meager belongings.

He was dreading going to Izzy's work. He _loved_ his baby sister, and was unbelievably proud that she had broken away from the toxicity of politics (though some articles of the magazine _were_ political).

***

The Garment District—the fashion-heavy area of the city—was bustling with people in their finest. Women walking in five-inch heels and somehow managing not to break their ankles. Men is suits with briefcases and flashy jewelry.

And Alec, wearing his black leather jacket, combat boots, and a concealed holster.

He pulled open the glass door to the _BlackHeart_ building. The first floor had lounges and coffee tables set up in the open space, two staircases ascending in the center. Alec headed for the reception desks near the back of the room.

He could hear the whispers, feel the eyes boring into his back. They either knew he was the owner's brother or thought he was lost.

Alec leaned forward on his forearms, peering at the red-haired receptionist. "Excuse me?"

The red-head looked up, her green eyes wide and curious. "May I help you?"

"I have a meeting with Isabelle Lightwood," he explained.

Those green eyes narrowed, scrutinizing Alec's appearance. "Are you sure?"

Alec rolled his eyes. "Of _course_ I'm sure."

She still looked doubtful. "Name."

"Alec _Lightwood_."

The women turned as red as her hair. "I-I'm so sorry, sir. I didn't realize." She frantically dialed a number, placing the black phone against her ear. "Ms. Lightwood? I believe your brother is here... mhmm... I'll send him right up."

"Elevators are over there. Hit the button for the top floor. Ms. Lightwood said she'd meet you in the hall," the women said. "I'm Clary, by the way. Let me know if you need anything."

Alec mumbled his thanks, shoving his hands into his pockets as he approached the elevator. The doors slid open and he stepped in beside a man with unruly brown hair and large glasses perched on his nose. Alec found it amusing that the man was wearing a _Star Wars_ shirt; he looked more out of place than Alec did.

The man kept glancing at him and Alec ignored it, listening to the ridiculous elevator music until it dinged.

The man left the elevator first, a large smile spreading across his face as he spotted Izzy. Alec followed, dumbfounded as Izzy gave the man a chaste kiss on the lips.

She pulled away and turned to Alec. She gestured to the man. "This is my boyfriend, Simon."

Alec cleared his throat, offering a hand. "It's nice to meet you," he choked out.

Simon grasped his hand a little too enthusiastically. "Yeah, yeah. You, too. I've heard so much about you. You're like a superhero. Decorated war vet, homicide detective. Man, that would make a _great_ comic. I should talk to Clary about that. I—" Izzy placed a hand over Simon's mouth, cutting off his rambling.

She blushed. "I apologize for him, he gets over excited."

Simon nodded and Izzy's hand dropped. "I wanted to stop by before heading to IT," Simon said, kissing Izzy's cheek before stepping back into the elevator. The door closed and Alec turned to his sister. "You're dating an employee? Isn't that illegal?"

Izzy scoffed. " _You're_ the cop. And anyway, he doesn't work in my department."

"But you own the company..."

She flapped her hand in the air. "Semantics." Izzy looped an arm through Alec's, guiding him further onto the floor.

There were several side rooms, but the main area held the desks and computers as well as a board outlining the layout of the next issue. Izzy's office was the separated by a glass wall and far finer than the rest of workspaces.

Alec started for it but was yanked to the side. Izzy opened the door to one of the smaller rooms and Alec was momentarily blinded by the bright lights, some artificial but most streaming in from the floor-to-ceiling windows on the far side. He blinked a few times, allowing his eyes to adjust.

Lead settled in his stomach and he sent a pleading look to Izzy who missed it entirely.

"Morning," Izzy chirped, pulling Alec into the room and shutting the door behind them.

Alec's hazel eyes swept his surroundings out of instinct. The left wall had a white background, a camera on a tripod placed in front of it. Several different lights were positioned to highlight the empty space. A vanity-chair set was to the right, a women with pale blonde hair was leaning over Magnus, working at his hair as he did his eyeliner.

Alec felt like there was something stuck in his throat.

The women had a small smile on her face as she lifted her head, turning towards them. "Morning, Izzy." Her brown eyes scanned Alec from head to toe. Something about her was familiar to him but he couldn't place it.

Magnus glanced over, his lips pulling into a brilliant smile. "Hello again, pretty boy. You still haven't called me."

Alec hardened his gaze as he stared at the gorgeous man. "I believe I've lost the number."

Izzy dragged Alec closer to the pair. "Emma, this is my big brother, Alec."

She smiled prettily at him. "It's nice to finally meet the hero."

Alec sent Izzy a harsh glare. "Why does everyone keep saying that?" he asked stiffly.

Izzy's blood-red lips pursed. "Because I'm proud of my brother, who's saved lives." She said it as if it was the simplest thing in the world.

His back straightened. "I never saved anyone."

Magnus stared at him, his lips parting slightly in astonishment. "You're a policemen," he stated.

"And a decorated war vet," Izzy supplied.

Magnus's eyes twinkled with mischief. "I do love a man in uniform." Alec tore his eyes away, a blush spreading along his cheeks. Izzy gave a delicate laugh.

"What level has security?" Alec asked, diverting the attention away from Magnus. Emma continued to work on his hair, and Alec forced himself not to look at Magnus's tight black leather pants and loose fitting shirt... if one could call it that.

Izzy settled into business-women-professional mode. "All levels have surveillance. The lobby has security guards and a viewing room. The computers and tapes are on level three."

Alec nodded, rubbing at his jaw. He crossed his arms over his chest. "How many exits are there?"

"The fire-escapes, main door and a back way to the alley," Izzy informed.

Alec narrowed his eyes at Izzy. "So you're telling me that this room is inaccessible except for that door right there?" he asked, gesturing behind him. The fire-escapes were connected to the main space on this floor.

Izzy bit her lip and nodded.

Alec ran a disgruntled hand through his hair. "Then I don't have to be in here."

Izzy wrung out her hands. "Technically, but Luke said he wanted you with Magnus at all times."

Alec did another quick scan of the room, his eyes landing on Magnus and dragging up his body. "I think he's fine." More than _fine_.

"But Luke—"

"I am doing as I was ordered, Iz. I'm protecting him. I can protect him from elsewhere," he bit out.

Izzy placed a hand on his bicep. "Come on, _hermano_. You'll have more fun in here."

"I would be having more fun while actively working on this case. Instead, I was dragged into this mess," Alec said bitterly.

Magnus spun in his chair, giving Alec a clear view of the vee of his chest, revealed by Magnus's not-shirt. "If I'm a _mess_ , then I'm the best one you've seen, darling."

Alec didn't know how to respond to that, how to _breathe_ after he said those words. He sighed, deciding to address Izzy. "I'll be on level three. Call me if you need me."

He gave Emma and Magnus one last, fleeting look before disappearing.

***

Magnus stared at Alec's tight ass as he left. He couldn't help but whistle—and imagine him in his military uniform.

Emma chuckled. She was a sweet girl, if a little sad at times. Magnus liked her immediately, as they had ran into each other on many occasions during the process of Magnus being signed as a model for _BlackHeart_. "And before you ask, yes, he _is_ single."

Magnus chuckled. "Oh, I'm well aware of that. A virgin, too."

Izzy choked on a laugh. "What gave you that impression?"

Magnus frowned. "No one turns _that_ red from a comment if they've experienced... intimacy."

Izzy shrugged. "Maybe you should tell his fiancee about that."

Magnus felt himself deflate like a discarded ballon. He turned on Emma. "I thought you had said he was single."

Emma glared at Izzy. "Seriously? Now he's accusing me."

Izzy sauntered forward. "Let me clarify. _Ex_ -fiancee."

"Is he bisexual then?" Magnus questioned.

The usually graceful Isabelle looked incredibly awkward. "That is something you should ask him yourself."

Magnus rolled his shoulders, trying to regain his flare. "Shall we get to business? I believe I have some photos to pose for."

Izzy nodded. "I'll send in the others. You need to look fierce."

Magnus grinned broadly. "Don't I always?"

Throughout the entire shoot, Magnus couldn't get that damn detective out of his mind. Such a tough exterior, and yet blushes at the smallest amount of flirting. He couldn't wait to see just how red he could make Alexander.

***

There was a knock on the door to the computers room, where Alec was observing the live security footage. He absentmindedly called for them to enter. He was unapologetically watching as Magnus posed for the camera. After all, his job was to watch, he wasn't some creepy stalker.

Magnus was so confident. So in control of himself and proud of it. He was devastatingly beautiful.

And Alec was mere inches away from falling apart.

Because he was a murderer. Camille's grating words sounded in his ears and he shook his head to clear it.

"Izzy wanted me to let you know that they're almost finished," her boyfriend, Seamus, said.

"Uh, yeah. I'll be up in a moment," Alec responded, clicking on the cameras for the lobby. Many people were milling around, slightly less than there were this morning but still enough to make Alec uncomfortable.

He stood, not giving Shane a second glance. He slid his phone from his pocket and dialed Jace as he entered the elevator.

"Hey, man. How's the babysitting going?" Jace asked, a hint of laughter in his voice.

"It's _wonderful_ ," he snarked. "Did you drop my stuff off at Magnus's?"

"Not yet. But I found out that the dude lives in a mansion," he paused for the dramatic effect, "on the same street as the Institute."

Alec cursed under his breath. "There's no way. We'd know about that."

Jace chuckled. "Not necessarily. Apparently, he moved in while you were overseas."

"Whatever. I need a car," he intoned.

"I'm already on my way, your suitcases in the trunk. Izzy called about five minutes ago." Jace hung up without so much as a goodbye.

"Of course she did," Alec muttered, stepping onto Izzy's floor.

Izzy waved from her office and Alec gave a half-assed one in return. Magnus was waiting for him in the studio, his back pressed against the wall, his eyes trained on his cell.

"Time to go," Alec told him grimly.

Magnus tilted his head back to loose a laugh. "You say that like it's a bad thing."

"Isn't it?"

Something in Magnus's eyes softened. "Not to me."

Alec fought to keep a small smile off his face.

***

Jace was flirting with the red-haired receptionist by the time they made it to the lobby. Magnus kept up a steady stream of one-sided conversation, going on and on about a cat on the way down, Alec deaf to it all.

He was trying to figure out why Luke was so quick to assign him to Magnus. He had a sinking suspicion that it was simply to keep Alec away from the action. His blood boiled at the implication; Luke didn't think he could handle it.

Alec walked to Jace, Magnus trailing behind.

"Call me," Jace said, jotting his number onto the notepad. Clary blushed furiously, ducking her head.

Alec rolled his eyes. "Jace, we can debrief in the car," he said, trying to get his brother to stop his incessant flirting.

"I like the sound of that," Magnus mused quietly.

Jace sent a wink to Clary before spinning. "Yeah, I know. You think I wasn't going to tell you about the case? What do you take me for?"

"A reckless fool," Alec replied with a fond grin.

"It's nice to finally meet you," Jace said, stretching a hand towards Magnus. "Izzy can't stop talking about you."

Magnus graciously accepted the offer. "All good things, I hope."

Jace smirked at Alec. "Definitely."

Alec slapped Jace's shoulder in irritation. "Let's just go." He marched towards the exit.

"He's an angry one, isn't he?" Magnus asked from behind him.

"Nah, just repressed," Jace responded.

Alec flipped him off and hopped into the passenger seat of the police cruiser that was parked right outside. Jace's laughter was cut off by slamming of the door.

Jace slid behind the wheel, and Magnus settled in the back. "I didn't realize I would be treated like a prisoner," he quipped, eyeing the bars of the window.

"Not a prisoner, just a willing captive," Jace said with a smile. Alec pretended he couldn't feel Magnus's heavy gaze.

"What'd you find?" Alec asked as they pulled onto the busy streets.

"Lily Chen was admitted to Presbyterian Hospital. Under the care of Catarina Loss," he said with knowing grin.

Alec groaned, slumping into his seat.

Magnus leaned forward, bracing his toned forearms on the shoulders of the seats. Alec stared at the corded muscle, the tanned skin. "You know Cat?"

Alec's hazel eyes flicked to Magnug's brown. "Yeah."

"Oh? How did that happen?" he asked.

Alec cleared his throat, tearing his eyes away, ignoring his question. "Did you find her? Or at least talk to Cat?"

"I haven't had the chance yet," Jace admitted. "After I packed up some of your things, Luke called and I was sent to the scene."

"Scene of what?" Alec asked warily.

"There was another murder," he replied grimly. "Zara Dearborn, a Circle member."

Alec's breath hitched. "That doesn't make sense. The man from the murder-suicide was a customer, not a member. Why are they going after their own?"

"We don't know yet."

"I can head over to the hospital later..." Alec trailed off, realizing that he _couldn't_ go to the hospital because he was trapped with Magnus.

"Sorry, man," Jace said, providing some sympathy, "but Luke was clear when he said you're to stick with Magnus."

"If _I_ went to the hospital, Alexander would have to come too?" Magnus supplied.

"You have to stay away from all of this, Magnus. The reason _I'm_ here is to make sure _you_ stay out of trouble," Alec bit out.

"Technically, Luke said you're to watch and report. He said nothing about stopping Magnus from living his life," Jace interjected unhelpfully.

"Hello, darling," Magnus said, his phone held against his ear. "What time can I stop by tomorrow? Yeah... wonderful... mhmm... and Cupcake? Marvelous, see you then." Magnus disconnected the call and grinned. "Looks like we're going to the hospital for my lunch break."

For whatever reason, Magnus was helping him with the case. Which made Alec's job much, _much_ harder.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No, I am not cranking these long chapters out over the span of a day. I have several chapters already written and will be editing them (formatting things) before posting them. I will let you know when I start posting new (not pre-written) material. 
> 
> Kudos and Comment!!


	3. Give Me Therapy... or Not

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tensions rise as Alec moves in with Magnus. Something strange is going on at _BlackHeart_. Catarina has something... interesting... to say. This case truly is a mess.

Jace popped the trunk and Alec reached in, grabbing two black suitcases. He grunted, his biceps bulging as he pulled them out.

"Call if you need anything, Alec. I mean it," Jace said, leaning out his open window to give him a stern look.

Alec rolled his eyes and Magnus exited the car. Unease stirred in his stomach as he watched Jace speed away.

Magnus's house— _mansion_ —was even larger than the Institute, more modern too. The building looked cold, sterile, and clean. Very... un-Magnus-like. Alec's eyes snagged on the cameras mounted to the roof and the porch. He grunted in approval.

"I know," Magnus said, digging around in the pockets of his sinfully tight pants. He pulled out a single key, a chain dangling from it. "It's so _boring_. My old loft had been much more... interesting. This one is just empty even when people are over."

"Do you have guests often?" Alec asked as Magnus opened the door, gesturing for him to enter.

"Not as often as I would like," he admitted, slipping out of his heeled boots and hanging the key on a hook beside the door.

The floor plan was large and open, natural light streaming in and crystal chandeliers descending from the high ceilings. The walls were beige, bursts of color appearing in the paintings on the walls. It was beautiful.

A massive TV was mounted above a fireplace, a glass table and worn couch in front of it. A dark granite-based kitchen was to the right, fancy bar stools sitting around the island. Alec's eyes lingered on the pet dishes that rested on the floor.

One of the pets in question darted out from nowhere, slinking around Alec's ankles before he could react.

Mangus _tutted_ , leaning down to pick up his cat. "Now now, Chairman, don't hassle the handsome detective." Alec coughed and Magnus turned to grin at him. "The best guest room is upstairs and to the right, feel free to get settled.

Alec cast his eyes downward, noticing the second cat. "Thank you," he muttered, moving around the older man and heading for the stairs.

"Then we're going to have a chat."

***

Alec was sitting on the couch less than five minutes later, having simply ditched his things on the bed. Magnus strutted in from the kitchen, two wine glasses and a bottle in hand. Alec's hands immediately started to shake and he leaned his elbows on his knees, clasping them together.

"I don't drink," Alec choked out, refusing to look at Magnus. He heard retreating footsteps. Seconds later, a water bottle was pressed against the side of his hand and he accepted it gratefully.

"No alcohol," Magnus said lightly. "Got it. May I ask a question about that?" he asked softly. Alec lifted his eyes, glancing at Magnus as he sat at the opposite end.

He cleared his throat, taking a sip of the water. "I guess."

"It was just wine," he said slowly, "and yet you came into a club without problem."

"I was investigating a case," Alec said stiffly. He watched, memorized as Magnus nibbled on his lower lip.

"I'm am sorry about that." Magnus's brown eyes were warm and Alec felt his face heating. "I know how much you want to be working on this."

Alec huffed. "Yeah, well. It's not like you told Luke to take me off it."

A glimmer flickered in the older man's eyes. "I'd say you're still pretty involved. After all, we'll be _investigating_ tomorrow."

Alec grinned, staring down at his hands. "I still think that's a bad idea."

Magnus laughed. "I don't care."

Alec ran a hand along his jaw, trying to refocus his thoughts. "Does it still hurt?" he asked randomly, lightly tapping his cheek.

Magnus shifted uncomfortably. "A little sore, nothing I can't handle."

Alex made a noise in the back of his throat. "Do you know who attacked you?" He had seen the details in Magnu's file, but he wanted to hear it for himself.

"Not personally. But the man did look familiar, must've seen him around Pandemonium," Magnus conceded.

"About that club of yours, I think it's best if you avoid it for now," Alec suggested, relaxing into the couch, willing the tension to leave his body.

Magnus looked moderately offended. "Are you saying my club is a drug den? We have _standards_. It's not like the Circle is openly selling on _my_ property."

Alec raised a hand in defense. "I didn't mean it like that. But, yes. Drug users frequent clubs, that's common knowledge. As you seem to be wrapped up in all of it, you should stay away."

Magnus rubbed at his temple. "I suppose you have a point. I'm sure Ragnor can handle it for a week or two. I'll have Raphael keep an eye on him."

Alec nodded like he knew who Magnus was talking about. "How did you end up a model and a successful club owner?"

Magnus placed a hand against his chest, his nails painted. "Why, my god-like physique and quick wit. Don't doubt me, Alexander"

Alec couldn't stop the smirk, couldn't stop his eyes from devouring Magnus. "Why Alexander? Only my mother calls me that."

Magnus sent him a wink. "' _Alexander Lightwood; the hometown hero returned from war'_ ," he quoted.

Alec visibly flinched. "The tabloids acted as if I had saved the world, all because my parents are political leaders."

Magnus's lips parted. "Is that really what you think?"

Alec's lips turned down. "What else am I supposed to think?" he asked wearily.

The other man sighed. "You _did_ save the world. At least certain people's worlds." He wa skirting around what he really wanted to say and Alec knew it.

"They're all _dead_ ," Alec seethed. He stood, setting his water on the table. He pushed back the images, pleading for his brain to hold it together for just a few more moments. "What time are we leaving in the morning?" he asked coldy.

Magnus reached a hand out to him. "Alexander, I—"

"What. Time?"

"Eight thirty."

Alec gave a firm nod and disappeared up the stairs, the hated tears already sliding down his face. He ripped open the door to the guest room.

_Alec stood in uniform, gazing at the black coffin, the American flag folded neatly on top. The people in front of him were crying softly, others stood stone-face. The priest said his final words and they slowly began the lowering of the coffin._

_Alec wasn't breathing. He forced himself to watch as his comrade, his friend, his_ responsibility, _disappeared beneath the surface. He forced himself to watch as Blackthorn's loved ones, his siblings, his parents, each poured a shovel of soil into the gaping abyss._

_The people clad in black left one by one until there was only Alec and one other familiar face._

_Mark's eyes, one blue and one green, were trained on Alec, cold and unforgiving. And then the look faded and Mark approached, extending his hand._

_Alec stared at it. "I'm sorry," he said, his voice clear and void of emotion._

_Mark lowered his hand, moving forward to embrace the soldier, mindful of his injury. "You brought my brother home to me, to us. We'll never be able to thank you enough for that."_

_Alec extricated himself and narrowed his eyes. "You shouldn't be thanking me at all."_

_Alec left the cemetery as lightning struck, a final goodbye to a murdered soul, a stolen life._

Alec rooted through his suitcase, throwing the contents as he searched for what he needed. Anger and self-hatred pulsed through him. Where _was_ it? He unclipped the badge from his belt and threw it at the wall. He tugged at the ends of his hair and withdrew his voice.

"Alec? Miss me so soon?" Jace teased.

"You forgot my sleeping pills," he said in monotone.

***

VMagnus heard a small _thump_ as he poured himself a glass of wine. He abandoned it immediately, darting up the stairs, Alec's name on the tip of his tongue. He pressed his palm against the door, stalling when he heard his voice.

"The _one thing_ , Jace!" Alec snapped. "How could you... I _know_ , but... You need to get your ass over here and _bring the goddamn sleeping pills_... I don't care what Luke wants! Tell him to shove it... Fine! But if anything happens, it's _your_ fault. I'll see you tomorrow."

There was a muffled cry and then a door squeaking on its hinges. Magnus's heart ached painfully in his chest. Running water signified the start of the shower. Magnus pushed away from the door, retreating into his own bedroom to grabbed what he needed.

***

Alec found a pill bottle on the nightstand, a Post It note stuck to its label. The scrawl was elegant;

_You're not the only one with nightmares and demons. Sleep well, Alexander._

Alec ignored the burst of warmth in his chest as he examined the label. He popped the lid.

***

"How do you take your coffee?" Magnus asked casually as Alec descended the stairs, his hair sticking up in all directions. His black tee-shirt hugged his torso, accenting his firm shoulders and Magnus admired the view.

Alec dragged a hand through his bedraggled hair, a pale sliver of his stomach exposed as his shirt shifted. Dark shadows were smudged under his gorgeous hazel eyes. "Black, two sugars."

Magnus laughed. "Predictable," he muttered under his breath. Alec took a seat at the island, resting his head on a fist. Magnus poured their coffees, sliding Alec's in front of him. Magnus sighed. "I wanted to apologize for last night. It wasn't my place."

Alec waved a lazy hand in dismissal. "I shouldn't have reacted the way I did. It's just... been a while since anyone has mentioned... it."

Magnus leaned back against the counter, carefully sipping his hot beverage from his cat mug. "Have you considered seeing someone about it?" He watched as Alec tensed, the muscle in his jaw twitching. Magnus pushed off, drawing nearer to him. "It's common for veterans to go through therapy," he said softly.

Alec rubbed at an eye with his knuckle. "It's been two years. I'm over it," he said, gruff. Magnus rolled his eyes but let it go, retrieving his jacket from the living room.

The doorbell rang and Magnus answered it, miffed when he saw the blonde detective. He smiled sheepishly and Magnus bid him to enter. Jace brushed past with a nod. He slapped a hand on Alec's shoulder, leaning close to his ear. Words were exchanged, but Magnus couldn't hear what they were.

"Jace came with his _replacement_ partner," Alec explained bitterly. "Separate cruisers, one is for us to use."

Magnus raised an eyebrow. "That's not very covert," he pointed out.

Alec scoffed. "Like anything about you is _covert_ ," he mumbled.

Jace shrugged. "Even the Circle isn't arrogant enough to attack the police directly." Jace slid the key from his pocket, placing it in Alec's palm. Magnus watched as they went upstairs, murmuring softly.

Magnus poured the rest of the coffee into a to-go mug for Alec, throwing their used ones into the sinks. Chairman Meow and Church slinked around the corner of the island, mewing. He smiled fondly, picking up the Blue Persian. Church nuzzled against Magnus, hissing as he was placed on the counter. Magnus grabbed cat food from the fridge and filled their bowls.

Jace clamored down the stairs, shouting a goodbye as he yanked open the door and disappeared. Alec came down moments later. With his black leather jacket and holster in place, Alec was, by _far_ , the most attractive man he had ever seen. One of the saddest, too.

Magnus hadn't been lying when he wrote that note last night. Nightmares and demons were things he was well acquainted with. Unlike Alec, his demons were still alive; an abusive father and a psychotic ex. His nightmares were a different matter entirely, something Magnus never wanted to acknowledge.

***

Alec spent the morning on level three, viewing the live feed. He took a swig of his third cup of coffee. Something felt _off_. His gut clenched with dread but he couldn't figure out the source.

He saw it then; a man with a black baseball cap pulled down, obscuring his face from the camera. He stood just outside the lobby, a flash of silver in his ear. Alec tensed as a black car drove up to the walk, halting. The man smoothly disappeared inside and Alec rolled his shoulders, cursing his paranoia.

There was a knock and Alec's head snapped up. He was surprised to see Magnus pushing the door open. Alec's breath hitched. Magnus had a line of glitter streaked across his cheekbone, his hair artfully styled into an up-wave. Alec licked his lips absentmindedly. Today Magnus had been dressed in gold and white, a golden snake cuffed around his ear. Alec forced himself to look into Magnus's eyes of chocolate, forced himself _not_ to let his eyes wander. He felt flustered, claustrophobic.

Magnus's glossed lips pulled into a playful grin. "Ready to go, darling?"

Alec coughed, his blood boiling. "Oh, uh—yeah." He stood, eyes trained on the floor. Magnus's hand gently landed on his bicep, sending a jolt of warmth through them both.

Alec's hazel eyes flashed up. "What? What is it?"

He watched as Magnus's Adam's Apple bobbed. "Nothing," he mumbled, dropping his hand. Alec felt the loss immediately.

Alec stuck close to him when they reached the parking garage. It was a concrete floor located underneath the building that let out to the street behind it. The garage was barely lit and Alec grabbed Magnus's arm out of instinct, guiding him towards the cruiser.

Alec's eyes darted around, taking in the shadows. He opened the door for Magnus then walked around the front to slid into the driver's seat, scanning for the man from earlier. Logically, Alec knew it was unlikely that the Circle was stalking them. Magnus was merely a man whose girlfriend— _ex_ -girlfriend—made poor decisions, and Alec was just another city detective. There would be no _motive_ for them, not really. Alec made a mental note to ask Magnus about Camille.

It took twenty minutes to reach the hospital. Alec kept quiet as Magnus made several phone calls. He tuned them out, steeling himself for what he knew was coming; Cat. His knuckles were white as he turned off the engine.

He stared hard at the wheel. "You can listen to the conversation," he said slowly, "but nothing we say leaves this hospital, unless it's to Jace."

Magnus gave him a strange look that Alec missed. "It's a _murder_ investigation, I know that it needs to be kept quiet."

Alec cut him a stern look. "Not a _word_." Magnus's eyes widened and he raised his hands in a placating gesture before he nodded.

***

Magnus kept shooting glances at Alec as they made their way to the break room—the lounge Cat told him to meet her in. Alec's skin was abnormally pale, tension radiation from his stiff gait. His earlier outburst was peculiar to say the least; Magnus knew he was missing something important.

He pushed the door to the lounge open and was blinded by Alec's debilitating smile.

Alec strutted forward to sweep the little girl up into his arms. "Madzie!" he exclaimed, sounding lighter than Magnus had ever heard before. Magnus stood in the threshold, transfixed by the beautiful man in front of him.

"Uncle Alec!" Madzie cried in response. She pressed her face against Alec's neck, her dark hair pulled into braids.

Alec chuckled and Magnus wasn't sure his knees could hold him. He smiled fondly at the pair and Cat walked over. She wrapped her arms around Magnus in greeting. "He's really something, isn't he?" she whispered.

Magnus huffed as she took a step back. "Unfortunately, we're not here for a social call."

She gave a grim nod and gestured to the pair of grey sofas. Alec took a seat next to the armrest, holding the little girl in his arms, a pained grin on his face. Magnus sat beside him and Cat settled on the couch opposite. Her dark skin was a shade darker than Magnus's.

Alec cleared his throat. "Hello, Catarina," he said stiffly.

Cat crossed her legs, the blue fabric of her scrubs sliding against itself. "Alec. It's been a while," she replied pleasantly, a small smile on her face.

"I'm not sure Madzie should hear this," Alec stated, his eyes darting around the room.

Madzie's arms tightened around Alec's neck. "I want to stay with Uncle Alec!" she protested.

"Now now, Cupcake, why don't show me your toys?" Magnus interjected, standing. Madzie pouted but Cat's firm look had her loosening her grip on Alec. "I'll take her back to daycare."

"Thank you, Magnus," Cat said as he led the child out of the break room.

Magnus stayed with Madzie for all of five minutes before his curiosity got the best of him. He gave the little girl a swift hug and left her to play with her dolls. She didn't seem to mind much.

He lingered outside the door to the lounge, hushed voices leaking through the slight crack.

"I'm not here to talk about this," Alec said coldly. "I'm sure Jace called you."

"He did. He told me about the breakdowns, the nightmares, the sleeping pills," she sounded disapproving.

"He had no right—"

"He had _every_ right. Jace has been waiting for _his brother_ to come home, he's _worried_. We all are."

"I'm here!" he exclaimed. "I'm home. What more do you want from me?"

"We want you to be _happy_. Drowning yourself in work and alcohol isn't healthy."

"I stopped drinking six months ago." His voice was empty and Magnus's chest ached.

"But you're not really _here_ , are you?"

"Maybe that's because I _shouldn't be!_ "

Magnus couldn't take it anymore. He pushed the door open to see Alec pulling at his hair, pacing. Cat stood with her hands balled at her sides. "I hope I'm not interrupting." He most definitely _was_.

Alec sighed, rubbing vigorously at the stubble on his jaw. "No, Magnus, you weren't." He sat down, gesturing for Cat to do so as well. Magnus hesitated a moment before taking his original seat. Alec clasped his hands together in front of him, his face a stoney mask. "Did you learn anything from Lily Chen?"

Cat bit her lip. "I can't tell you the specifics about her condition. All I know is that she was found in a warehouse in Hunts Point. The paramedics said they received a call on her phone but it wasn't her speaking. They said she was alone when they found her."

"Is it possible that it was her dealer?" Magnus asked.

Alec shook his head. "There's no real way to tell. If the timeframe works, her dealer was still Camille and I think we can both agree that she wouldn't have made the call." Magnus gave a grim nod of agreement.

"That caller was male," Cat supplied. "I can give you the details of the paramedics involved."

Alec rubbed at his temple and Magnus frowned at him. "Are you alright?"

"Fine. Don't give those details to me, Jace'll want them. And Luke wouldn't want _me_ to have them. Besides, the paramedics probably don't know anything either. Fucking hate the Circle," he spat.

Magnus placed a hand on Alec's shoulder and hazel eyes met his. "We'll figure this out," he reassured.

Alec glared. "We don't know that. The Circle has been ruling this city for _years_. One murder-suicide and now we're chasing our tails trying to find the connection to the Circle. There might not even _be_ one."

Magnus nodded, removing his hand. "Lily Chen's overdose, Camille's arrest, murder-suicide, I was attacked, a Circle member killed." He cursed under his breath. " _Camille_ ," he hissed.

Alec raised an eyebrow. "What?"

"Camille was selling to Lily. Then she was arrested. The female killed was Maureen Brown, the male was Archer—don't give me that look, Alexander; it was on the news. Maureen was one of Camille's designers and Archer a business associate. _I was attacked_. I have no idea who Dara Zearborn is but she must be connected to _Camille_."

Alec shot to his feet, beginning to pace once again. "That bitch," he muttered. "Somehow she was involved in all of it. How long was she selling for the Circle?"

Magnus shrugged. "I'm not entirely sure."

"I don't think she was as clueless about it as you think," he stated. Magnus narrowed his eyes, watching Alec work a path into the carpet. "I'll call Luke and tell him about this. Cat, send the paramedics' details to Jace. Magnus, you're needed back at _BlackHeart_." He was talking a mile a minute and Magnus could barely follow.

"How's therapy going, Alec?" Cat asked out of nowhere. Alec halted, his eyes growing wide.

He spun to face her. "I don't _need_ therapy."

Cat crossed her arms over her chest. "That's not what Luke thinks, or Jace, or _Jordan_. I know you don't want it, Alec, but you need help."

"I'm _fine_ ," he seethed through clenched teeth.

He walked out and Magnus turned on Cat. "That's not going to convince him to get help. You can't be angry with him."

Cat gave a wry grin. "Know him so well already?"

Magnus fiddled with the cuff on his ear. "No, but I'm beginning to. He has to _want_ to get better."

"You don't think he does?" she asked softly, a look of defeat dawning on her face.

Magnus bit his lip, considering. "I know he doesn't."

"And why is that?"

Magnus swallowed thickly. "Haven't you been listening? Survivor's guilt is a form of self-punishment. Alexander thinks—he thinks he should've _died_ with the others. He thinks he failed them. We need to convince him that he _didn't_."

A fond smile spread across her broken face. "When did you become so wise?"

Magnus returned the smile with one of his own. "I've had practice."

Cat pulled him into a tight hug, tears forming in his eyes. "There was nothing you could've done, Magnus."

"I know," he murmured.

"Look after him?" she whispered into his ear. Magnus nodded into shoulder. He knows he shouldn't care. Alec was his protection, his bodyguard. He was doing his _job_. He was a broken hero who Magnus shouldn't get involved with. He was unstable, falling apart at the seams.

Magnus desperately wanted to be the one that helped Alec put himself back together. Because he _knew_ that the only way for Alec to find himself was to do it himself. Magnus just wished he would be able to see it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and Kudos!! Let me know what you think :)


	4. Picture Me This

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes dead people need to stay dead. Because when they don't shit happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I figured out how to paste with the formatting I want so I will be posting my old chapters much faster. (Yay, me!!). This also means I'll have to start creating more content soon... we'll see what happens.

The rest of the week passed without problem. Alec and Magnus fell into an easy and comfortable rhythm of ignoring each other. Alec was merely a ghost in Magnus's house, but he knew Magnus was always watching him.

Alec had his laptop on the kitchen island, the files for the case pulled up. He had made Jace scan them into the system so Alec would be kept in the loop. There had been no new murders, no new information from Camille, who seemed to find pleasure in keeping secrets. Alec couldn't understand how someone like Magnus had been with someone like  _her._

He had been meaning to ask about that, but every time the words formed in his mind he would reconsider. Alec wasn't sure he wanted to know about that particular relationship anyway.

"We get to go in later today," Magnus said, handing Alec his coffee. "Izzy wants me to look over the photos from this week and decide which goes into next week's issue."

Alec nodded, scrolling through his emails. There was one from Cat. Alec clicked on it then flinched; she had sent him a list of therapists. Magnus moved around the island to peer at the screen but Alec deleted the email before he could see it.

Alec's skin crawled whenever he thought of  _Magnus_  knowing just how badly he needed help. Alec wasn't a  _fool_. He knew he wasn't supposed to feel like this, like he was wading through water, like a weight was crushing his lungs. He wasn't supposed to feel this... this...

He ran a hand through his hair in irritation. "What do you usually do on the weekends?" Alec asked, curious about what they would be doing tomorrow if not at  _BlackHeart_.

Magnus shrugged, folding the omelets in the skillet. "Go clubbing or go to Pandemonium. As neither are an option, I figured we could just stay in and watch some movies."

Something fluttered in Alec's stomach but he convinced himself it was just hunger as an omelet was placed near him. Magnus had a peaceful expression on his face as he stared at Alec. Alec's face flushed and he ducked his head.

"Tell me more about Camille," Alec said without meaning to.   
Magnus grimaced and moved to take the barstool next to him. "We met soon after I moved here. I had been a barista, if you can imagine. She walked into the cafe one day and immediately asked me to model for her. I agreed because I was finally in  _New York City_ , what better way to experience it than in the world of fashion?" Magnus sighed, rubbing at his face. "I was an idiot."  
Alec looked at him, frowning. "You seem to be doing incredibly well for yourself considering you've only been in the city for three years or so."

Magnus smirked. "What a flatterer you are, darling. But I've been here for about eight years now. Why'd you think three?"

Alec shifted, clearing his throat. "Jace said you moved in during my deployment."

"To this place," he agreed. "I lived in a loft above a bakery before that. Anyway, Camille was everything I wanted; strong, independent, beautiful. It took me awhile to figure out she was crazy."

"How long were you together?" Alec whispered, his heart pounding against his ribs.

"A little over four years. It was an on/off thing," Magnus replied. Alec couldn't help but think that four years was a really long time. Magnus tilted his head. "Do you mind me asking why you joined the military?"

Did he? He decided that he didn't. Alec shrugged, sipping his coffee. "I wanted to escape my family. Well, my  _parents._  Service was the only way I could think of. They kicked me out after they discovered that I was accepted to West Point. They thought I was rebelling and that it was ridiculous, that I would never make it as a soldier. They only ever wanted me to be a politician like  _them,_ " Alec said. He was surprised by how easily the words left him.

Sadness flashed across Magnus's face. "Where did you stay when kicked out?" His voice was scratchy.

Alec gave a wry grin. "Lydia. I'm sure Izzy told you about her?" Magnus nodded and he continued. "We were best friends for almost my entire life. Her parents and my parents were strong allies."

Magnus fiddled with the cuff on his ear. "You and Lydia were going to get married," he stated.

Alec huffed. "Yeah, we started dating after my first deployment. I proposed before my second because my parents thought it was a good idea." He shook his head in disgust.

"I've been told that it didn't work out," Magnus said. His eyes were bright, curious. Alec was once again hit by how attractive the man was, his fingers twitched and all he wanted to do was run them through Magnus's hair. He shook his head slightly to dispel the thought.

"It most definitely did  _not._ " Alec checked the time and closed his laptop. They ate their omelets in a tense silence. Alec knew Magnus wanted to know more.  _Alec_  was surprised by how much he wanted Magnus to know more.

***

Alec escorted Magnus to the top floor as he had done all week. This time, however, Izzy waved Alec into her office. Magnus sat in a wheeled desk chair next to Emma, the light of the computer screen illuminating their faces. Alec absentmindedly patted Magnus's shoulder as he passed. Izzy opened the glass door for him.

"How've you been,  _hermano_?" she asked, settling behind her large mahogany desk. "I feel like I haven't seen you all week."

Alec rolled his eyes, resting his arm on the side of the plush chair he had been directed towards. "I've literally seen you  _every day_ this week."

She flapped her hand in the air. "Yes, but you haven't spoken to me. It seems that you and Magnus have... adjusted."

Alec scratched the back of his neck. "Um—yeah."

Izzy's crimson lips spread into a gorgeous smile. She flipped her dark hair over her shoulder. "So you admit that I was right?'

Alec raised an eyebrow. "Right about what?" he asked warily.

"That Magnus is hot." Alec flushed immediately and Izzy continued to grin. "I knew you'd agree."

"Did you need to see me about something?" he asked, trying to remind her that she  _had_ wanted something other than to fawn over a cute boy.

"Mom wants us over for dinner tonight. I know that you can't but I wanted to warn you because Mom will ask me why you aren't there." She took a steadying breath. "What do you want me to tell her?"

Alec considered it for a moment. Telling Maryse that he was living with an attractive, openly not-straight, model and club owner would only raise questions that Alec didn't want to answer. If Lydia was invited, she would hear it as well. If they were told about the case, they'd find a way to use it to their political advantage.

"Tell them I have a therapy appointment," he said quietly. He figured that since  _everyone_ appeared to think he  _needed_ it, they'd be less likely to complain about him missing the dinner.

Izzy frowned, her dark eyes gleaming with tears. "Have you considered—"

Alec held up a hand. "Izzy, stop. Just... stop. Let them assume I'm seeing Jordan again and don't correct them about it."

She slumped back into her chair. "Don't you think they'll ask questions the next time you see them?"

Alec scoffed. "They don't really care, Iz." He stood, waving a stiff goodbye. Magnus's eyes tracked him as he entered the main space. He ducked his head, shoving his hands into his pockets as he waited for the elevator. He felt a presence behind him and looked back.

Magnus was frowning. "Alexander?" The elevator dinged and Alec shook his head. Magnus's hand brushed his arm for a split second before the sliding metal doors separated them.

Alec steadied his breathing, forcing the tears in his eyes to dissipate. He  _hated_  his family sometimes. God, he loved them more than anything. He just wish they felt the same, his parents at least.

He approached reception once he reached the lobby. He halted, recognizing the shock of blonde hair on the man who was leaving against the counter. "Jace?"

The blonde straightened. He sent Alec a grin. "Hey, man."

Alec's eyes shifted towards the red-head. Her face was flushed, her green eyes glowing. He looked back at his brother. "What are you doing here?"

"I came to visit Izzy," he replied innocently. Alec rolled his eyes and Jace chuckled. "Fine. I'm taking this pretty lady out to lunch." The red-head  _giggled_.

Alec rolled his eyes again. "May I speak with her first?" Jace, shrugged, gesturing towards Clary.

The women sat up straighter, meeting his gaze. "What is it?"

Alec gave Jace the side-eye. "Yesterday, there was a man with a black hat and a silver ring in his left ear. Did he come in here?" The nagging feeling had returned. The feeling that something terrible was going to happen.

Clary frowned, her brows pinched. "I don't know if it's the same person but someone similar was here about a half hour ago." Alec went rigid. "He said he had an appointment with your sister. When I asked for his name he just walked away. I figured he was with the press or something and didn't want to out himself."

Jace pulled a pad of paper out of his pocket. "What did he look like?" He had the pen poised to write.

Clary reached her hands out for it. "I can draw him." Jace looked mildly impressed as he handed it over.

They waited several minutes for her to finish. She passed the drawing to Alec. His hands started to shake, the paper crinkling in his grip. A sweat broke out on his forehead, his lips parted as he choked. Air was stuck in his throat, his lungs refusing to expand.

Jace snatched the paper from him and Alec stumbled back. "Is that..." Jace trailed off, his eyes narrowing.

Alec's legs collapsed and he hit the floor. Jace was beside him instantly, telling him to put his head between his knees. Alec did as he was told, his brain malfunctioning. He heard instructions in his ears, heard the order to breathe.

He tried.

The world grew hazy, his limbs tingling.

Alec regained awareness a few minutes later. People were looking at him, some concerned, some intrigued by his weakness, some disgusted. And then Jace, with stone cold determination.

"We'll have to rain check that lunch date," he told Clary, who was standing nearby. She nodded as Jace helped Alec to his feet.

The elevator ride to the top floor was silent except for that annoying music. Jace stood closer than he needed to, offering support.

Izzy knew something was wrong immediately and rushed out of her office. Magnus's head snapped up and he glanced over his shoulder, his warm eyes landing on Alec.

"We need to talk," Jace told her. "Somewhere quiet. And preferably sound proof."

"We have a recording studio on this floor for the talk show, we can use it now." She led the way and Alec felt Magnus's gaze like a brand.

The heavy door closed with a click behind them. Izzy wrapped her arms around Alec and he stood stiff, unmoving. She reluctantly let him go. "What happened?" she whispered.

"Panic attack. I'm fine now," Alec said firmly.

Jace crossed his arms over his chest, his jaw clenching. "I'm not going to let you destroy yourself."

" _Let me._  I deserve this!" Alec snapped. Izzy looked horrified, raising a hand over her mouth.

"No you don't! You didn't choose this, Alec! None of this is your fault!" Jace yelled, waving his hands in the air.

Alec stalked forward, jabbing a finger into his brother's chest. "I  _killed_  people. Innocent people! I'm a murderer." He laughed harshly, tugging at the ends of his hair. "I'm a  _homicide_  detective. Isn't that ironic!"

"Alec... you're scaring me," Izzy choked out.

He flung his arms wide. "I'm  _sorry_ , Isabelle. I'm sorry I can't be the brother you remember! I'm  _sorry_ , okay? He's dead." Alec laughed again. "He's dead because I  _killed_  him when I killed those people! I killed them all... I... I  _killed them_." Alec shattered completely holding his head in his hands. His shoulders shook with the force of his sobs. Izzy and Jace moved towards him. "Don't! Don't touch me," he snapped.

Jace grabbed Izzy's elbow. "Let's—Ah—let's give him a moments. There's—there's something else I have to tell you."

Alec didn't watch as they left. He stumbled backward into the wall, sliding down to the floor, his head buried in his hands. He tried to remember how to breathe.

***

Magnus shot to his feet as Izzy and Jace walked out of the room... without Alec. Izzy had streaks of mascara running down her face.

"Oh my," Emma murmured.

Izzy and Jace stopped just outside the door. Magnus's eyes trained on the piece of paper Jace pulled from his pocket. Izzy took the paper, her eyes widening. Izzy's tears began to flow faster. Magnus moved to comfort her but Emma was quicker.

"What is that?" Magnus asked Jace, gesturing to the paper.

Jace looked grim. "Someone Alec thinks he killed," he said bitterly.

"What?" Emma said, leaning closer to the paper. Her mouth dropped open, her beautiful brown eyes filling with tears. "How is... how is that... Oh my god. Why do you have that?" she demanded, ripping the drawing away.

"Clary saw him this morning," Jace explained.

"That's not possible!" Emma said in a low, angry voice.

"Who is it?" Magnus asked.

The door opened and Magnus's heart fractured. Alec looked dead on his feet, his gorgeous hazel eyes ringed in red, his black hair sticking up raggedly. "Jonathan Morgenstern," he whispered, his voice cracking.

Emma's head snapped towards him and her eyes widened in recognition. "How could I not have remembered?  _God_. It's—it's only been two years and I... I completely forgot that... I can't believe it."

"Breathe, darling," Magnus counseled, growing increasingly worried.

Emma was openly crying now. " _Alexander Lightwood._  You... you're the the one that carried his body back to the base. You... you brought him home, my Julian."  
Alec choked, clutching at his chest. Without hesitation, Magnus grabbed his free hand, dragging him back into the recording studio.

Magnus pulled Alec into his arms, not caring that he knew he shouldn't, knowing that Alec probably didn't feel the same way that Magnus felt for  _him_. He  _knew_  that this would end badly, like it always did.

But he didn't care. Not as the detective buried his head into Magnus's neck, not at his strong arms wrapped around him and he held on for dear life. Magnus drew circles into his back, holding Alec together. "It's okay, Alec. It's  _okay_. You're allowed to feel like this. You're allowed to fall apart. It's okay, Alexander." He murmured the same words over and over again, his cheeks growing damp.

"It's not," Alec murmured some time later, his breath hot against Magnus's neck. He tightened his arms around the younger man.

"What's not, darling?" He continued his soothing circles, his heart pounding erratically in his chest.

Alec moved to pull away and Magnus loosened his grip but kept his arms in place, refusing to let him go just yet. Alec's hazel eyes scanned Magnus's face, darting one way than the other. "It's not okay." His voice cracked and he cleared his throat. " _I'm_  not okay," he said, stronger this time.

Magnus could see the weight lift off of Alec's shoulders. He looked so unbelievably tired. Magnus couldn't resist and lifted a hand, cupping Alec's cheek, his thumb sweeping along his defined cheekbone. Alec sighed, leaning into the touch. "I know, Alexander." Magnus gave the man a soft smile. "Let's go home." Alec gave a minute nod and they separated.

Magnus guided Alec out of the room, his siblings and Emma watching with worried faces. Magnus waved a placating hand, sending a wink to Izzy to let her know that he had it under control. The tension faded from her eyes just a bit.

***

Alec wanted to sleep for a week, he wanted to hide in embarrassment. He could only imagine how much Magnus hated him now. It shouldn't have mattered to him either way. He was being Magnus's slightly unnecessary bodyguard and nothing else.

Alec didn't know if he'd be able to keep this up much longer.

"Do you need anything?" Magnus asked as they walked through the front door.

Alec shook his head, his eyes lowered. "I'm just going to get some sleep." It was only

four o'clock in the afternoon but it might as well have been the middle of the night.

Magnus stopped him in the foyer with a hand on his arm. "Alexander, look at me." Alec

sighed and did as he was told. Warm brown eyes speckled with gold bored into his. "You're not okay. You don't  _need_  to be okay, you just need to be honest with yourself."

"Uh—yeah, sure," he mumbled, moving to the stairs.

Alec sat on his bed, a sleeping pill in hand. He lifted it to his lips and paused as his cell rang. He placed the pill on the nightstand, retrieving his phone from his pocket. "Hello?"

"Hi, Alec," Izzy said, her voice calming. "I just wanted to make sure you made it there okay."

"Magnus drove," Alec replied. He was  _never_  letting Magnus drive again; Alec had been convinced that they were going to crash.

Izzy sighed. "I don't know what to do," she admitted. "I don't know how to help you."

Alec ran a hand through his hair. "It's not your job to help me."

"But... isn't it? I'm your  _sister_ , I'm supposed to be there for you and I don't know  _how_."

Alec's heart clenched. "I don't know either, Iz. I just... I don't know."

"We love you, Alec. You know that, right?" she pleaded. Alec could hear the tears in her voice.

"I know, Izzy. I love you, too." Alec ended the call before she could say more. He downed the pill and rested his head on the pillow, starting at the shapes on the ceiling. He waited for sleep to sweep him away from his misery.

_They were to clear out the camp, to free the prisoners. Two of their men had been captured and Alec was ordered to leave them behind. He had pleaded with his superior and was able to broker a deal; Alec could only take two men on the rescue mission. Alec knew it was because the risk was too great. His superior unwilling to lose too many good men._

_Gunfire rang through the air and Alec dropped to his knees behind a large rock covered in dust, Morgenstern beside him._

_"How were we spotted?" Morgenstern snarled, his black eyes narrowing._

_Alec glanced up, scanning the rocky hillside. "I don't know." He pressed a finger to his ear piece. "Raj, I think there's a sniper hiding in the rockslide. Can you spot him?"_

_"Yes, sir. I have eyes on the target."_

_"Take him down." A single shot sounded and a man screamed._

_"Clear. I don't see any others."_

_Alec nodded, sending Morgenstern the signal to start moving. "Cover us."_

_They took down six others before finding the ditch that the two men were in. Morgenstern kept his weapon raised as Alec kneeled, working at the knots holding the pit-cover in place._

_"Blackthorn? Underhill? How you holding up?" Alec asked wryly._

_"Great, sir. Just get us out of here," Blackthorn replied coolly. Alec grunted as he hefted up the cover. Blackthorn and Underhill crawled out._

_"Lightwood!" Morgenstern shouted in warning, pulling the trigger; three enemies had approached from the sides, Morgenstern killing one and Raj picking off the second._

_Alec shot without hesitation, hitting the third in the chest. The man slumped forward, his face pressed against the ground._

_Only later did Alec realize that the man had been no older than fifteen and was unarmed._

***

Magnus dried his hair with a towel after tying his robe around his waist. He couldn't get Alec's distraught face out of his mind. He could still feel the warmth of Alec's body pressed against his own.

Alec had disappeared into his room a little over two hours ago. Magnus wasn't sure if he would see the man until the next morning but decided to make enough dinner for two.

As Magnus walked into the hall, he could hear soft whimpers. He knocked lightly on the other man's door, slowly pushing it open. Alec was sprawled across the bed, his legs tangled in the sheets. A line of sweat was visible on his brow, his eyes flicking behind his lids.

Magnus rushed over, placing his hands on Alec's shoulders. He shook him gently. "Alexander."

Alec lashed out, shoving Magnus's backward. Magnus hit the wall with a grunt and Alec blinked, leaping to his feet. "Oh my God,  _Magnus_. I-I'm sorry. I didn't—I—"

Magnus chuckled. "I know, Alexander. It's alright."

He dragged a hand down his face. "It's  _not_."

Magnus flitted a hand through the air. "It  _is_  because I say it is. What do you want for dinner?"

Magnus found satisfaction in the way Alec's mouth dropped open. "I—Ah. Pizza?"

Magnus clapped his hands together. "Wonderful. I'll make the call, you pick a movie." His heart warmed when he caught Alec's small grin.

***

Alec scrolled through the movies on Netflix, searching for one that he thought Magnus would like. His phone buzzed and he set the remote down to answer the call. "Hello?"

"Hey, Alec," Lydia said, giggling. "I'm sorry you couldn't make it to dinner." She hiccuped. "Well, actually, I'm not." She laughed again.

Alec sighed. "Are you drunk?"

"Of  _course_ , why else would I have called?" she drawled. Music pulsed in the background.

"Shouldn't  _you_  be at the dinner?" he questioned.

She laughed. "I  _was_. Then Maryse asked me to leave after Izzy told us about the therapy. That's actually what I wanted to talk to me about you. I wanted to talk to you about me," she slurred, giggling at her mistake. "We should get back together."

Alec laughed outright, startled. "You wouldn't say that if you were sober."

"I would. Promise. Now that you're fixing yourself, we can get back together," she stated as if it were truly that simple.

"I'm not broken," he gritted out.

Lydia snorted obnoxiously. "Right, like I'm supposed to believe that. You ditched me because you were too busy wallowing in self-pity and loathing to pay me any attention. I  _love_  you, Alec. I've always loved you. And now that you've pulled your  _head_  out of your  _ass_ , we can finally be together."

Alec stood, starting to pace as he clenched and unclenched his fist. "Listen here you deluded  _bitch_ , that is  _not_  why I ended things."

"So you admit that you were being a self-absorbed idiot?" she snarked.

Alec threw his hand wide."Where did  _that_  come from?"

"You've only cared about  _yourself._  'I was promoted; I rescued this guy and that guy; I've saved  _lives_.' Me, me, me. All Alec, all the time. I thought it would be over when you came home, but then you were... different. 'I killed people; I'm a monster; I'm  _worthless_ ; I deserve to die.' Did you ever consider  _me_? What  _I_  needed?" Lydia choked and her sobs carried through the phone. "Maybe it would've been better for you to just die with the others, like you wanted." She disconnected the call.

Alec stood still, frozen in place by the vehemence in her words. What if she was right? Alec shook his head. His fingers curled around his phone and he threw it at the wall, watching as it shattered into a million pieces.

"Oh, Alexander," Magnus sighed, peering in through the kitchen. "You should be glad that didn't hit the TV. You would've owed me a fortune."

Alec laughed, collapsing onto the couch. He rested his head on the back of it, staring at Magnus. "When's the pizza going to get here?"

***

Magnus fell asleep while watching some ridiculous movie about teenage love (Magnus had  _promised_  it was  _amazing_ ; it wasn't). His head was on Alec's shoulder, his hand laid on Alec's thigh.

Alec stared at him, admiring the devastatingly handsome man he was supposed to be protecting. Alec hated to admit it, but Magnus smelled  _good_. He knew he was sleep deprived. At least, that's what he told himself as he lightly placed his hand on Magnus's, fiddling with the rings that were always there.

Magnus looked so peaceful in sleep, vulnerable.

Alec could've killed him earlier, could've snapped his neck while trapped in a nightmare. His angry outbursts and tearful breakdowns were horrific. But Magnus didn't seem horrified, in fact, he was  _understanding_. Alec wanted to know what was going on in his head that allowed him to not fear the disaster of a man who was Alec.

Alec smiled fondly at the sleeping man then slowly stood up, careful not to wake him. He hooked an arm under Magnus's knees, the other behind his back. Alec cradled him against his chest as he walked to Magnus's bedroom. Magnus's deep breathing never once faltered.

Alec lowered him onto the bed, pulling a blanket over him. He moved to leave but froze as Magnus's fingers encircled his wrist. "Stay," Magnus whispered, his eyes remaining closed.

Alec's heart stopped in his chest. " _Magnus_ ," he choked. "I can't."

His eyes opened slightly, his fingers tightening. "Why not?" he murmured.

Alec forced himself to meet Magnus's steady gaze. "I don't want to hurt you," he admitted softly.

One corner of Magnus's mouth quirked up. "You won't."

"You... you can't know that," he breathed.

Magnus's eyes flashed. "Stay, Alexander. Please."

The will to fight drained from Alec's body and he nodded in defeat. Magnus threw the blanket back, opening his arms for Alec. He hesitated, his mind battling with his heart.

His heart won.

He sank into Magnus's embrace and fell asleep listening to the beat of his heart.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and Kudos!!


	5. Shattering Mirrors

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> JONATHAN MORGENSTERN NEEDS TO LEAVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning: Mentions of Suicide *read at your own risk*

The shattering of glass startled Alec awake. Panic pulsed through him, sending adrenaline pumping through his veins. " _Magnus_ ," he hissed.

Magnus's arm was thrown across Alec's stomach. He nuzzled into Alec's chest. "What is it, Alexander?" he mumbled.

Alec gripped his biceps tightly. "I need you to listen very carefully. Stay low and lock yourself in the bathroom. I need to grab my gun."

Magnus tensed. " _What?_ " he whispered, terror in his voice. "What's happening?"

Alec slowly sat up, nudging him towards the edge of the bed. "Stay quiet. Do not open the door until  _I_  ask you to. Call Jace."

Magnus's brown eyes were wide. "Alec, I—"

Alec placed a hand over his mouth. "Go. Now."

"Be careful," he whispered. Alec nodded and swung his legs off the bed, slowly creeping towards the door. He listened for noise outside but heard nothing. He waited for Magnus to slide into the bathroom, waited for the dull click of the lock sliding into place.

Alec twisted the knob, peering into the dark hall. He darted into his own room, grabbing his gun out of the drawer.

He crept down the stairs, freezing as they creaked. His ears strained to hear the intruder. A clattering sounded from the kitchen, light splintered across the floor. Alec pressed himself against the wall of that divided the kitchen from the living room. His palms were sweaty as he raised his glock. The cold-calm of a soldier flowed over him as he snapped around the corner.

"NYPD! Hands where I can see them!" Alec barked.

The man startled, spinning around, his hands raised. A beer bottle smashed against the ground as it slipped from his hands. The man's dark eyes were wide, his white hair curly. Alec didn't recognize him, his gaze hardening and arms tensing.

"Woah, woah, woah!" the man called, panicked. "Chill dude!"

"You're breaking and entering," he stated, raising an eyebrow.

The man rolled his eyes, hands starting to droop. "It's not breaking and entering if I have a  _key_ ," the man drawled.

"What?" Alec asked lowering the gun. The man looked visibly relieved that it was no longer pointed at him.

He waved a hand. "Hello, Alec Lightwood. I'm Ragnor Fell, nice to meet you."

Alec held up a finger. "Wait here a second."

The man— _Ragnor_ —gave a short salute. "Yes, sir." He turned to the fridge and pulled out another beer, careful not to step on the broken glass.

Alec clicked the safety on, sighing as he walked up the stairs. He put the gun back in place and entered Magnus's bedroom. "Hey, Magnus? You can come out now."

The door opened slowly, Magnus peering out. His body sagged and he collapsed into Alec's arms, his hands fisting in Alec's shirt.

"It's okay, Magnus," he murmured reassuringly. "Just a dumbass friend of yours."

The shorter man pulled back. "Ragnor?" Alec snorted with a nod. Magnus sighed. "I'll go deal with him. You—Ah... you should probably call your brother," he suggested.

***

"What the  _hell_ , Ragnor?" Magnus demanded as he clambered down the stairs. He was sitting on the couch, cradling a beer to his chest.

"Business has been very stressful as of late," Ragnor said, waving the beer. "I needed a break."

Magnus made a noise in the back of his throat. "Then why didn't you go  _home_? Why barge into  _mine_  in the middle of the night while you  _knew_  a detective was here? God, Ragnor! He could've killed you."

Ragnor shrugged. "That's why I'm  _here_ , you glittery monster. Raphael, that insufferable control freak, wouldn't stop complaining about the drunk girl at the bar. I went down to tell her to leave only to hear her blabbering like a fool about Alec Lightwood. I wanted to see what the fuss was all about."

Magnus sat next to him, draping an arm along the back of the couch, crossing his legs. "A girl, huh?" he asked. He raised an eyebrow. "She wasn't named Lydia, was she?"

Ragnor sipped his beer. "That was her, alright. She went on and on about how her fiance was mentally disturbed and how he was finally starting to fix himself but refused to get back together with her."

Magnus's hands curled into balls, his face hardening. "What a bitch."

Ragnor nodded in agreement. "She started talking about how she always knew he was suicidal and how she shouldn't have gotten involved in the first place."

Magnus wasn't sure he was breathing. "Suicidal?" he asked nonchalantly. "What made her think that?"

Ragnor snorted. "I didn't  _ask_  her about your boyfriend. I asked her to get the hell out of my club."

Magnus grunted. "That's fair. How  _has_  the club been doing?"

"Not as well as you would like. The whole 'the people who know Camille are dying' thing has been making it tough for business. And since you disappeared, the regulars are beginning to think you're dead."

"We've talked to most of her close friends," Alec said as he joined them in the living room. "By  _we_ , I mean the precinct. The friends didn't seem to know about the Circle, but they knew that both Archer and Maureen were much closer to Camille than they should've been. We think they were directly involved with Circle, rather than just Archer being involved. And Zara Dearborn was funding Camille before her fashion thing failed."

Ragnor looked unbelievably intrigued, morbidly so. "That's a lot of dead people."

Alec sat in the arm chair, dark smudges under his eyes. "Yeah, and there will be more if we can't find who's doing this." He ran a hand through his hair. "Hold on."

Alec returned moments later, his laptop in hand. His face paled as he turned it on, the screen causing the golden specks in his eyes to glow. Alec spun the laptop around, showing the pair of them a picture.

Alec was standing in the center, clad in the standard issue camouflage military uniform, his hands clasped in front of him, his lips curved upward. Magnus's lips parted, Alec looked so  _alive_ , so beautiful. He was breathtaking. A man with messy brown hair and startling ocean blue eyes had an arm thrown across Alec's shoulder, his white teeth gleaming. On Alec's left was a severe looking man, his skin dark and eyes cold. Next to him was a tall, broad-shouldered blonde. On the far right was a man with black eyes and white-blonde hair, smirking. He was the one in the drawing... and now Magnus knew why he looked so familiar.

Alec swallowed hard, his eyes darting around the room as he pointed at the last man. "Does this man look familiar to you?"

Ragnor leaned forward to get a closer look. "Yeah. Quite a flirt, that one. He always ends up leaving with one girl or another. He's been to Pandemonium now and again."

Alec's eyes flicked to Magnus. "What is it?"

Magnus's hand drifted towards his cheek, where a large bruise had been not too long ago. "He's the one that attacked me."

Alec slammed the laptop shut, setting it on the coffee table. Alec stood to pace.

"I understand that being attacked is... bad," Ragnor said. "But why is he freaking out?"

Alec didn't appear to hear him, even though he was only a few feet away. Magnus frowned, his heart heavy. "Because he's supposed to be dead."

"Not  _supposed to be_ ," Alec snapped. "He  _is_  dead."

"How can a dead man be walking and picking up girls?" Ragnor snarked.

"Alexander, I've seen him. He's alive." Magnus wasn't sure if he was supposed to be reassuring. It didn't feel right. He wanted to know what Alec was thinking.

"He's  _dead_ , Magnus! I saw him get blown to pieces. People can't  _survive_  that!" He tugged at the end of his hair, his face contorting in pain. Magnus's stomach dropped.

"Ragnor," Magnus said as calmly as he could, "I think it's time for you to go." Ragnor shot Magnus a look but nodded, leaving through the front door without so much as a goodbye.

Magnus reached a hand out to the detective. "Sit down, Alexander." Alec froze, staring at him with wide eyes. "Come here." Alec's shoulders sagged as he sank into the couch. Magnus gingerly took one of Alec's shaking hands, clasping it between his own. Alec's eyes lowered to their joined hands.

"I'm sorry, Magnus. I didn't mean to—" Alec was cut off by Magnus's tightening hands.

"You don't have to apologize for what you feel," he said softly. "I know what it's like."

Alec lifted his hazel eyes. "What?" he breathed.

"I know what it's like to watch someone die," Magnus said. "I know how the blame works. You blame that person for dying. Then you blame others or the world or even the universe. And then you blame yourself. I  _understand_ , Alec. I also know that blaming yourself doesn't help anyone. You have to  _live_ , Alec, for them. Being trapped in the past isn't the way to do that."

"How do you know?" Never before had Magnus heard him sound so broken, not even during his earlier breakdown.

Magnus sighed, closing his eyes for a brief moment to collect himself. "My mother hanged herself when I was eleven."

"God, Magnus. I'm so sorry."

Magnus dipped his head. "It was a long time ago, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. My mother killed herself because she couldn't live with my father anymore. My father was... well, he  _is_  an asshole. He used to beat us, her more than me. He... uh..." He stared at Alec as a soft hand landed on top of his.

"You don't have to explain. I wouldn't make you do that." The warmth in his tired eyes was too much for Magnus. A single tear slid down his face and Alec leaned forward to wipe it away.

"We were on a supply run," Alec said distantly. "It was a road we'd taken hundreds of times before. We were  _happy_ , talking about home. And... and Julian was talking about 'his girl." Alec gave a sad chuckled. " _Emma_. She had been at the funeral.  _A lot_  of people had been at his funeral and I... I'm the reason he was there. I had led them down that road. We hit the landmines. They all  _died_ , Magnus," Alec gasped. Tears streamed down his face. "They all  _died_. Why didn't I, Magnus? Why was I allowed to live when they didn't?"

Magnus wished he knew the answer, wished he could erase the sadness in his eyes. "I don't know, Alec. But I'm so glad you did."

"How is Jonathan alive? He had been the one driving the humvee. His body was crushed under it. Everyone else had been on the back but he had been trapped in the vehicle. How did he survive that? Why did he attack you?" Alec shook his head fiercely, his dark hair dangling over his eyes. "It doesn't make any  _sense_."

"It's not going to until we find him," Magnus counseled softly.

"I could only carry one," Alec mumbled, his eyes vacant. "I could only carry one of them. A team had been sent after us a few hours later and they found me walking back to base. Julian was dead and I carried him back."

Magnus's lips parted. This beautiful, brave man believed he should've died with his unit. Magnus felt horrible for the burst of joy that exploded in his chest; he was so  _glad_  that  _Alec_ was the one that survived. "How badly were you injured?" he asked softly.

Alec shifted uncomfortably. "I couldn't feel my legs, I could move them but I couldn't feel them. Metal was buried in my lower back. Cat told me it was the shock that stopped me from feeling the pain. She said it was a miracle I wasn't paralyzed."

"So that's how you know her," he mused. "She helped in your recovery."

Alec's cheeks turned red. "I was a very unwilling patient."

Magnus chuckled. "I know." Magnus's gaze lowered to Alec's lips. "Alexander?"

"What is it?" he whispered.

Magnus's lips twitched. "You _are_  gay, aren't you?"

Alec barked out a laugh. "Yes."

Magnus sighed in relief and cupped Alec's face with both hands. "Good," he breathed. He leaned in and Alec made a soft sound in the back of his throat as their lips touched. Alec's hands ran down Magnus's sides, his fingertips burning him. Alec threaded his fingers through Magnus's hair, tugging lightly to deepen the kiss.

They broke apart minutes later, both flushed and gasping for air. Magnus smirked and Alec blushed deeply, his lips swollen.

Magnus placed a finger under his chin, forcing Alec to meet his gaze. "And here I thought you were a virgin."

" _What!_ " Alec sputtered.

***

"You need to come to the station.  _Now_ ," Jace said as soon as Alec placed the phone at his ear. Alec tensed and Magnus shot him a curious look before turning back to the TV.

"Why? What happened?" Alec asked loudly. Magnus paused the movie.

"We found him. We found Johnathan."

***

The precinct was bustling with people and noises and Alec felt at home. He gave a small smile as he walked through the door to Luke's office, Magnus trailing behind him.

"Alec," Luke greeted curtly. "Jonathan Morgenstern walked in this morning and asked to see you. We had questions, a lot of them, mostly because Missing In Action became safe at home. However, he refuses to talk with anyone but you and Mr. Bane."

Alec shifted to the side, shielding Magnus with his body. "Morgenstern is the one that attack Magnus," he said coldly.

Luke didn't look surprised. "Yes, he confessed to that which is why he's handcuffed and being monitored in an interrogation room. He was adamant that he would only talk to you."

"After all this time of keeping me away, and now you're asking me to talk with someone involved? It sounds like you've regretted taking me off the case," Alec said in monotone.

Luke rolled his eyes, taking a sip of his coffee. "You're jumping to conclusions. There is no evidence that Morgenstern is connected to the Circle. All he did was commit assault."

"All he did?  _All he did?_  You have to be fucking kidding me," Alec snarled.

Magnus placed a hand on his arm. "Alexander," he warned.

Luke sighed. "I'm done talking to you now. He's in room 3." He waved a dismissive hand and Alec curled his fingers in rage.

He rolled his shoulder as they reached the right door. He turned, placed a hand on Magnus's firm chest. "You're staying out here."

Magnus frowned. "He wants to talk to both of us."

"No.  _I'll_  talk to him, you stay here," Alec ordered.

Magnus crossed his arms over his chest, taking a step back. "Alec, you're being ridiculous."

"I can't—I don't want you to see this," Alec admitted. "I don't want you to see me... like this."

Magnus snorted and pushed past him into the room. Alec swallowed thickly before following.

Jonathan was slouched in his chair, his left wrist cuffed to the table. His white-blonde hair was cut short, his black eyes amused as his gaze landed on Alec. "Lightwood," he said with a grin.

Alec sat in the metal chair across from him. Magnus rested a hand on Alec's shoulder. "Morgenstern. We all thought you were dead."

"That was the point," he replied. "We needed to fake my death."

"Bullshit," Alec spat. "There was no way to ensure that you would survive the explosion."

"It was a risk we needed to take," Jonathan said with a shrug.

"Who's 'we'?" Magnus asked.

Jonathan tilted his head, studying Magnus in a way that gave Alec chills. "You'll figure that out later."

"The Circle?" Alec suggested.

Jonathan laughed and the sound grated. "Of course not. It was for the  _military_ , Alec. I'm not a monster. What we did was for a  _reason_."

Alec realized it then. He slammed a fist into the metal table, making a slight dent. Magnus tensed, squeezing his shoulder. Alec felt rage pulse through his body and he was ready to explode. " _You_. You killed them all. That's what you're saying, aren't you? Whoever you're working for placed those landmines."

Morgenstern rolled his dead eyes. "Yes. But you have no way to prove that so it doesn't matter."

"The cameras," Magnus pointed out, gesturing towards the devices mounted in the corner.

Jonathan smirked. "No red light. It's part of the  _deal_."

"You  _murdered_  three people! Your  _brothers_. And you don't even care! How can you not care? The Jonathan I know would rather  _die_ than hurt someone he cared about," Alec growled.

"That Jonathan died a long,  _long_ , time ago. This version of me is much more sophisticated. I have more important things to fight for now," he said calmly.

"Yeah? Like what?" Magnus drawled.

"My family."

" _We were your family, you bastard!_ " Alec screamed. He lashed out, punching Jonathan in the jaw. He groaned, spitting blood. Alec raised his arm to strike again but Magnus stopped him.

"Let's go, Alexander," he urged.

"Yes,  _Alexander_ , run away. You've always been a coward," Jonathan mocked.

Alec stormed out of the room and was greeted by Luke's angry face. "The  _hell_?"

"Yeah, I know, Luke. I'm suspended for a week," Alec said, sighing.

"Three days!" Luke called as Alec strutted down the hall, Magnus on his heels.

***

"You're in the wrong lane," Magnus pointed out. The only sign that Alec heard him was the whitening of his knuckles on the steering wheel. "Alexander?"

"We're not going home," Alec said quietly. Magnus loved the tingle in his chest the word caused.  _Home_.

"Oh? Then where are we going, darling?" Magnus couldn't stop the worry from leaking into his voice.

"I need to get really, really drunk," Alec grumbled.

Magnus tensed, the air rushing from his lungs. Alec had never explained and Magnus would never ask him to. Alec never outright said it, but Magnus knew he was a recovering alcoholic. He knew relapse was part of recovery.

Even so, Magnus wasn't going to just stand by and watch as Alec threw himself into a pit deeper than the one he was already in. "No," he said.

Alec cut him a glance. "This isn't your choice."

Magnus gently laid a hand on Alec's thigh. "It isn't yours either. You want to get drunk because you want to forget about... everything. Your unit, this case, Jonathan. But you don't need to drink in order to forget it."

"I don't want to forget it," Alec forced out through gritted teeth. "I just... I don't want to  _feel_ this anymore."

"Pull over," Magnus instructed. Alec frowned but turned into the nearest parking lot. He parked the car and turned to Magnus. Magnus took his hands in his own, sweeping his thumbs along Alec's knuckles, mindful of the swelling. "Feel what?"

Alec sighed. "Let's just go home."

"You don't want to feel  _what_?" Magnus asked again. He didn't want to push, not really, but he would know when to back off. He would know when it was too much for Alec.

"Magnus."

" _Alexander_."

Alec dragged a hand through his hair. "I don't... I don't want to feel like I'm dying. I don't..."

"You're not dying," Magnus whispered. "You're  _here_. You're here with me."

"But it doesn't feel like it! Sorry. I'm sorry."

Magnus lifted a hand to Alec's cheek. "Stop apologizing." Alec leaned into the touch, his eyes closing. "What does it feel like? Describe it to me."

"I don't know how," he said hopelessly.

"Just  _try_ ," Magnus encouraged.

"It's like my insides are being twisted. I can't breathe. I'm  _drowning_ , Magnus. And I don't know how to keep swimming. I know that is sounds  _crazy_ , but sometimes I wish I was still  _there_ , still fighting. I  _loved_  being in the military. And then they all died and I was left alone. I had to return to the place I was trying to escape. I shouldn't  _be_  like this."

"Like what?" he breathed, his heart mere seconds away from shattering like mirrors.

"Broken," Alec whispered in defeat.

"No, Alexander. You're not broken, you're  _healing_. It takes time."

Alec's eyes snapped open, silver lining them. "What if I don't have time?"

Magnus frowned. "Why wouldn't you?"

Alec slowly lowered Magnus's hand from his face. "My family, this damn case,  _you_. What if the expectations kill me first?"

"They  _won't._  You have a brother and sister who love you more than anything. Your parents suck but who cares? You aren't defined by who they are or what they want. This  _case_  is not your concern right now as you've been suspended for the next few days. And all  _I_  expect from you is honesty and kindness. That's not so terrible is it?" Magnus reasoned.

"Two brothers. I have  _two_  brothers," Alec corrected immediately. He shook his head. "I'm expected to  _protect_  you. I can't protect people. I couldn't protect  _them_ , so why would this be any different?" He sounded desperate.

" _They_  were killed by a sadistic man, someone you trusted. No one would've seen that coming." Magnus sighed, wanting nothing more than to pull Alec into his arms. "I think it's time for you to stop blaming yourself. That's the beauty of life, Alexander. It's unpredictable and wonderful and terrifying and we can't control it."

"Why are you doing this?" Alec asked suddenly.

"Doing what?" Magnus asked warily.

He watched as Alec swallowed. "Looking out for me."

"Oh, darling," he murmured, taking Alec's hand in his own. He lifted it to his lips, kissing the tender skin. "You've been strong for so longer. Let someone else carry the weight for a change."

"I don't know how to do that," Alec admitted softly.

Magnus smirked. "That's fine by me. It means I can teach you." He leaned in, taking Alec's mouth with his own. Alec whimpered and Magnus chuckled at the sound. He tugged on Alec's hair, nibbling at his lower lip. The kiss was slightly awkward, the armrest between them making it difficult for them to be as close as they wanted.

Alec pulled away and Magnus opened his eyes. His heart raced as he saw the small smile on Alec's face. "I guess I didn't need to get drunk after all."

Magnus gave him one more deep kiss. "Maybe I should drive home," he suggested when they broke apart.

Alec snorted. "Not a chance."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and Kudos!! Seriously, the comments make my day :)


	6. Lost of Knots

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec hates clubbing and we'll leave it as that.

****There was a knock on the door and Alec raised an eyebrow, staring openly at the handsome man sprawled on the couch. "You expecting someone?"

Magnus tore his eyes away from his book. "Huh?"

Alec rolled his eyes, placing his laptop on the coffee table. He opened the front door and grinned. "Jace? Isn't it a little early for a housecall, especially on a Sunday?"

Jace pushed into the house and Alec closed the door behind him. Jace's blonde hair was tussled, his blue with a splotch of brown eyes were wide with terror. "Alec, we have a  _major_  problem."

Alec's body tensed, his arms crossing over is chest. "What  _problem?_ "

Magnus closed his book, sitting up to look over the back of the couch at them. "Did something happen with Jonathan?"

Jace waved a hand in the air. "No, nothing like that. He has some time in a cell and possible bail. Seems unlikely that anyone will pay for his release. No, the  _problem_  is that  _Clary_ , the hot receptionist, is  _Luke's_  stepdaughter!"

Alec laughed, a hand coming up to cover his mouth. "Only  _you_  would have such horrible luck."

Magnus quirked a smile. "Why does it matter if she's Luke's kid?" he asked, fiddling with the cuff on his ear.

Jace tilted his head. "Because Luke will  _murder_  me for dating his kid!"

Magnus tilted his head back and laughed. "I don't see a downside here."

Alec glared playfully at the older man. "Be nice."

Jace's head snapped between the two of them and he pointed accusingly at Alec. "Why didn't you tell me that you and Magnus are a thing?"

Alec turned a bright red. "I—We aren't a...a  _thing_?" he sputtered.

Jace raised an eyebrow. "Well that wasn't very convincing."

Alec waved a dismissive hand. "Let's get back to  _your_  problem. How could we not have known that Luke had a daughter? I didn't even know he was married."

Jace snorted. "You  _really_  need to pay attention. He wears a  _wedding ring_. He got married soon after I was hired at the precinct. I knew nothing about the stepdaughter though. Luke's not the most open guy about stuff like that."

Magnus grunted. "I'm lost, why does this matter again?"

Alec grinned wryly. "Luke is super protective of his family. He might take Jace off the case if he knew that he was involved with Clary."

Magnus frowned. "He can do that?"

Jace shrugged. "He's in charge, he can do whatever he wants."

Magnus shook his head in disgust. "I'm liking this guy more and more," he said sarcastically. "He takes Alec off the case, he claims my assault was nothing, he made some kind of deal with Jonathan." He ticked the offences off on his ringed fingers.

Alec smirked. "Don't think of him too harshly. I push his buttons more than most people."

Jace snorted. "That's the understatement of the century." Alec rolled his eyes, punching him in the shoulder.

"If you're so worried about this, Jace, then  _don't_  date her. She's just a girl, there will be others," Alec said offhandedly.

Magnus snapped his fingers to get their attention. "Don't listen to him. Alec clearly doesn't know what he's talking about. It's never  _just_  a girl," Magnus explained. "She's the only light in a dark room, the humor in a sad situation. Ying to yang, whatever."

Alec shifted uncomfortably. "Like Camille?"

Magnus scoffed. "Camille was a lightning bolt. She electrocuted me until I fried," he said bitterly.

"Oh..." Alec responded.

Jace clapped loudly and Alec jumped. "This is incredibly awkward so I'm going to go."  
Alec placed a hand on Jace's chest. "Wait until  _after_  the case is closed to tell Luke about Clary. If you aren't on the case,  _I_  get no intel."

"Man, this entire case is bullshit," Jace grumbled. "What makes Luke think we'll be able to do anything? No one has been killed in a week, the longer nothing happens the farther away we get from solving this thing."

Alec sighed, rubbing at his jaw. "Did you ever follow up on the paramedics for Lily Chen."

"Another dead end. Like I said, bullshit," Jace told him. He marched over to Magnus who raised his eyebrows. He jammed a finger into Magnus chest. "You do  _anything_  to hurt my brother and I'll be arrested for murder. Do I make myself clear?"

Magnus swallowed thickly. "I understand completely." Jace grinned and sent Alec a wink as he left through the front door.

Alec sighed and took his seat in the armchair, retrieving his computer. "I apologize for him," he said meekly.

Magnus smiled. "Nonsense. It's good to know that he's watching your back. I've been wondering about this for awhile. Is Jace adopted? Because he doesn't look like you or Isabelle at  _all_."

Alec chuckled. "Yeah, he's much better looking."

Magnus pursed his lips. "I wouldn't be so sure about that."

Alec ducked his head. "He was adopted when he was twelve. His parents were close to mine so when they passed away, my parents took him in. It's funny, really. They love him more and he's not even their blood."

"I dread the day I meet Maryse and Robert Lightwood," Magnus drawled, picking up his discarded book. "I would love to meet that second brother of yours."

Alec grinned fondly. "Max is amazing. He's a junior in high school and wants nothing more than to turn eighteen."

"What are his grand plans?" Magnus asked.

Alec scratched the back of his neck. "He's going to move in with Jace and I."

"What was it like? Growing up with such high quality parents?" Magnus asked softly.

"They wanted us to be the best. They pushed us to have the highest grades, popularity, be the best at our private school sports teams. The hardest part was that they wanted me to be straight." He laughed bitterly. "They used to set me up with the daughters of fellow socialites, hoping I would find a girl that met their standards. They got what the wanted when I proposed to Lydia. Now all they want is for me to get back together with her and make little Lightwoods who would carry on the family name."

"My father blamed everything on my mother. The missed bills or even a broken plate. He would hit her around until she started to apologize for things that weren't her fault. She would take the blame and endure the beatings and I  _let_  her. I watched as he destroyed her," Magnus choked out.  

"You were a child, Magnus. There was nothing you could've done," Alec said softly. He set his laptop aside, moving to sit next to him. Magnus rested his head on Alec's shoulder.

"She hanged herself but she apologized to me right before she did. She told me that she was sorry she had to leave me alone with him. Because she knew I would be his new punching bag. There was a bridge once. I had considered jumping off of it," he said shakily.

Alec held him tighter, his cheek pressed against Magnus's head. "What stopped you?"

"I knew my mother wouldn't have wanted me to. I knew that something better was waiting for me," he explained, his voice thick with tears.

Alec lifted his head, scanning the elegant mansion around him. "You found it."

"No, Alec," he whispered, tilting his head upward, his warm eyes locking with Alec's. "I found  _you_."

Alec sighed, leaning his head back and closing his eyes. "I'm not what you think, Magnus."

"And what would that be?" Their voices were quiet, barely more than whispers.

"I'm not a hero," Alec admitted.

"You may not think so, but you  _are_. Alexander, a hero isn't someone who saves people or wears tights. A hero is someone who keeps fighting," Magnus said tenderly.

Alec sighed again. "I'm not  _fighting_. I'm  _running_  from everything, my family, the war. Jonathan was right." He laughed but it held no humor. "I really am a coward."

Magnus gently cupped Alec's chin, forcing him to meet his gaze. "How can I convince you otherwise?"

"I don't think you can."

"Let me try this, then," Magnus said slyly. He pulled Alec's head down to meet his lips. Their lips brushed and then Alec's phone rang.

Alec groaned as he pulled away, snatching it from the coffee table. "Izzy? It's Sunday, why are you calling me."

Izzy laughed lightly. "I know, it's my day off. Which is why I'm throwing a party. I have some news to share with you and I ah... I want to tell you in person."

Alec's lungs tightened. "Dear God, please don't tell me you're pregnant. If you are, I will  _kill_  that Shane guy for knocking up my baby sister."

She laughed against and Alec relaxed. " _Simon_. And no, I'm not pregnant. It's a celebratory party for the  _BlackHeart_. We have a contract with a fashion company in the works. I would explain it to you but you wouldn't understand."

Alec grinned. "Yeah, I'd have no idea what you were talking about. What time and where?"

"Seven o'clock, Pandemonium," she recited.

Alec winced. "I'm sorry, Iz. But we can't. Why don't you come over tonight after and we'll celebrate on our own?"

"Come  _on_ ,  _hermano_ ," Izzy drawled. "It's just a party. Jace and Maia are going to be there so Magnus will be protected. I promise."

Magnus dipped his head. "I  _would_  like to check to see if my club is still standing."

Alec sighed, massaging his temple. "Fine, we'll be there."

"Yes! Thank you!" Izzy squealed.

"You're welcome, Iz. I love you," he said softly.

"Love you too."

***

A deep bass filled Alec's bones as they walked into Pandemonium. "Stay where I can see you," Alec cautioned. Magnus bit his lip and nodded.

"You'll be able to see  _me_  over by the  _bar._ I'll find you when I need to go to my office," Magnus said, placing a hand on his bicep.

Alec weaved his way through the crowd until he found Izzy. She threw her arms around him, almost knocking him over. "You came!"

Alec chuckled. "I said I would."

Izzy pulled back, taking Alec's hands in both of hers. "There's something I need to tell you."

Alec's heart dropped to his stomach, his eyes lowering to her left hand. "My God,  _Izzy_." His eyes flashed up to hers. "You're getting married?"

She nodded, tears forming in her beautiful dark eyes. "Yes."

"My  _God_ ," he said again. "My baby sis is getting married!" He wrapped his arms around her, lifting her off the floor as they hugged. Izzy laughed when she was set down. Panic flared through him. "Shit. Did you tell Mom? And Dad?  _Shit, Iz_. They're going to kill you."

Izzy shrugged. "I don't care. I'm  _happy_ , Alec. And I'm not going to let them ruin it." She gave him a knowing look. "You shouldn't let them either."

Alec frowned. "I'm not letting them do anything."

"You  _are_ ,  _hermano_. Every time you deny yourself what you want, it's because of  _them_. I know you have feelings for Magnus," she said quietly.

Alec's eyes narrowed. "We aren't talking about this now," he said stiffly. "Tonight if for  _you_  not me."

"We'll talk about it later though?" she asked with a pout.

Alec grinned. "Sure." They both knew he was lying.

Her eyes saddened as she nodded, but she broke into a blinding smile as Shane—her  _fiance_ —sidled up next to her, placing an arm around her shoulders. He kissed her on the cheek before turning to Alec. "I never had the chance to ask for you blessing. I hope it's not too late."

Alec was unbelievably touched with him even bothering to ask. "Of course. You make her happy, Shane. That's all I've ever wanted for her."

Shane slumped in relief. "Simon. And that means so much. I promise I'll protect her." Alec and Simon exchanged nods.

Izzy lovingly patted Simon's chest. "I need to go make the rounds." He removed his arm, looking at her with heart eyes.

Alec cleared his throat, leveling him with a glare. "You  _are_  aware that Izzy has  _two_  brothers that are allowed to carry firearms with them?"

Alec watched in satisfaction as the pale man paled. "Y-yes, I understand."

Alec smacked Simon's shoulder and he flinched. "Wonderful." He turned and walked away, his eyes instantly searching the crowd for Magnus. He was still by the bar, talking to one of the bartenders.

Magnus threw him a smile as he approached. "This is Raphael Santiago," he said gesturing to the bartender. He wore a cross around his neck, his dark hair cut short. "He's our information guy."

Alec eyed him curiously. "What does that mean, exactly?"

Raphael chuckled. "It's  _means_  that I heard all about you from your drunkass ex-fiancee."  
Alec winced. "I...um. I'm sorry about her. She—ah—She didn't take the breakup well."

Magnus rolled his kohl lined eyes. "Yes, we gathered that. How'd you do it?"

"Do what?" Alec asked with a frown, scanning Magnus's face.

"Break it off with her," Raphael answered.

He gave a nervous laugh. "I joined the police force then moved in with Jace. I...um...I had Izzy tell her."

Magnus gasped dramatically, placing a hand over his heart. "You  _didn't_. What kind of cruel man has his little sister tell his  _fiancee_  that their engagement is over?"

"A gay one, apparently," Raphael snorted.

"Go ahead say that a little louder," Alec snapped, checking the crowd to make sure no one had heard.

Raphael balked. "I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you..."

"Yeah, well." Alec shook his head.

"Alec!" a voice shouted. The uncomfortableness of the last several seconds dissipated as a short teen in glasses weaved through the dancing bodies.

"Max!" he called back with a grin, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. He ruffled Max's brown waves and Max slapped him in the chest. Magnus's eyes flitted between the pair, a soft look resting on his face.

"I haven't seen you in forever," he grumbled.

Alec snorted. "I literally saw you last week."

"It was a little longer than a week. And usually you come to visit  _twice_. And then you miss a family dinner. The hell?" Max exclaimed.

"Watching your fucking mouth," Alec replied.

There was a startled silence and then the pair burst into laughter. Raphael had moved on to take care of some customers at the other end of the bar. Magnus was staring at Alec with wide eyes as Alec turned back.

"What are you even doing here?" Alec asked. "You're underage."

"Like I was gonna miss Izzy's party?" Max said, pushing his glasses up on his nose. "Seriously though, Alec. What  _have_  you been doing? You don't miss dinner and you  _definitely_  don't go to  _therapy_."

"Hello, Max," Magnus said, extending a hand towards him. "I'm Magnus Bane. It's me he's been doing."

Max raised an eyebrow, accepting his hand. Alec's heart was sputtering in his chest,

anxious to see how Max would react to such a  _ridiculous_  statement. "It's about time. I thought he was going to  _never_  get laid."

Alec snapped out of his haze, grabbing Max's shirt and yanking him back. "That's it. You're gone."

Alec pushed him away and Max raised his hands in defense. "Oh  _come on_. It's not like it's a  _surprise_. Why else would you break up with  _Lydia_?"

Alec's face was burning and he heard Magnus's throaty chuckle. " _Lydia_  didn't think it was so obvious. Keep this to yourself, got it?" he told Max.

Max gave a solemn nod before glancing back at Magnus. "You hurt him and you're dead." He sulked away, leaving Alec baffled.

He ran a hand through his hair and gave Magnus a worried look. "Uh—"

Magnus looked offended. "Why does everybody want to kill me?" He said it as a joke but all Alec could think of was Magnus with a bruise on his cheek. Jonathan had... he blew up the humvee. He... Alec's entire unit, barring the man who  _knew_  what they were getting into, was  _dead_. Why did Jonathan attack Magnus? There was no connection between them, no connection that wasn't  _Alec_. The assault had happened before they had even met.

Something about this wasn't right. Alec's chest tightened, his lungs constricting, and he massaged it absentmindedly. A warm hand landed on his, stalling the movement. Alec's mind cleared and Magnus's worried eyes registered in his view.

"Alexander? You look a little pale," he said, slowly guiding Alec's hand from his chest. "Why don't we go somewhere quieter? I need to speak with Ragnor."

He nodded and allowed himself to be led upstairs and into one of the offices.

Alec zoned out as the two of them talked, his mind racing with the possibilities. When had it happened? When had  _his_  Jonathan turned into this psychotic stranger? There  _must_  have been some  _sign_  that he had changed. Something that  _Alec_ should've seen, should've noticed.

There must have been a way for Alec to save them and he had  _missed_  it.

_"Morgenstern? What is it?" Alec asked as the other man stormed out of Command, rage twisting his features._

_"Penhallow wants to pull me out and assign me to train the greens," he replied stiffly._

_Alec raised an eyebrow, throwing down his cards. "Train the new guys? Does that seem... odd... to you?"_

_Morgenstern's black eyes glared. "Of_ course _it's strange. I'm one of the best and she wants me to play nursemaid to cowering maggots? It's bullshit."_

 _"Hey!" Alec snapped. "_ We _used to be those maggots. And they're not_ cowards.  _They are risking their lives out here, same as us."_

 _Blackthorn lifted his head from his hand. "You're seriously going to do this now? Stop bitching,_ Jon _. Penhallow does these things for a reason."_

_Morgenstern scoffed. "Yeah, to be a pain in my ass."_

_"Well,_ you're _a pain in_ my  _ass. Shut up and go away, will ya? We're trying to play," Blackthorn complained._

_Alec grinned as Morgenstern flipped them off and sulked away. Alec retrieved his cards from the table. "Does he seem different to you?"_

_Blackthorn snorted. "That asshole? No. He's always been like that, you just choose to ignore it."_

_Alec shook his head with a wry grin. "You should give me some credit."_

_Blackthorn's ocean blue eyes gleamed as he slapped down his hand, winning the game. "I only give credit where credit is due, Lightwood. And_ you _, my friend, are a_ loser _." Blackthorn chuckled, sweeping up his winnings._

_Alec accepted it all with a grin._

Had he always been like that? Had Alec never noticed? Or had Jonathan been hiding that from him? Alec wasn't sure anymore. There had been late nights when Alec and Jonathan would talk about their families. Jonathan was so  _bitter._  He talked about his family the same way Alec felt about his parents. He was  _wronged_ , pushed to be something he wasn't. They both escaped to the military. Two stories so similar, perhaps  _too_  similar.

 _Lies_.

Because now Jonathan was claiming that his priorities had changed, that he had his  _family_  to protect. The same one he had run from? Or a new one he created?

Alec needed to know  _more_. He didn't understand it... he didn't understand  _any of it_. And he wasn't just talking about Jonathan.

His chest was tight, his heart frantic.  _Magnus_. He didn't like this, this feeling of being out of control. He couldn't  _handle_  it, not on top of everything else.

He brain was a jumbled mess of knots and he just wanted it to  _stop_.

"I—I need to get out of here," he forced through tight lungs, cutting through whatever conversation Magnus and Ragnor had been having.

Their heads swiveled to him. "Alexander, what—"

But he was already out the door.

He stumbled his way downstairs, the faces around him blurring in his haste to get away. A firm hand landed on his shoulder, pulling him back.

"Woah, Alec? You alright there, buddy?" Jace asked, his voice laced with concern and amusement.

"What?" Alec shook his head, trying to rid himself of the cloudiness, cotton filling his ears. "Oh—Magnus is upstairs, watch him for me?"

"Alec," Jace said slowly, sounding panicked. "You need to tell me what's going on."

Alec waved a helpless hand in the air. "I need to get out of here," he repeated.

"Are you drunk? I thought you were doing well..."

Alec shoved Jace back. "I'm fine. I'm not  _drunk_. I—I just—I  _need_  to get the  _hell_  out of here." Alec shoved him again. "Go upstairs, and watch Magnus."

"Alec!" Jace hallored as Alec disappeared into the crowd.

"Where's the fire?" Maia—Jace's replacement partner—asked, a beer in her hand.

"Go  _away_ , Maia!" Alec snapped.

"Okay. Well, I'm calling Jordan," she said, pulling out her phone.

Alec stared at her, stunned. "You're calling my ex- _therapist_?"

She snorted. "Don't be ridiculous. I'm calling my  _husband_  so I can 'go away' as you so eloquently put it."

Alec brushed past her and slammed through the doors, breathing deeply as he walked into the the fresher air. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and Kudos!


	7. I Found You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You gotta love family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry...

"What the hell is going on?" Jace asked as he walking to the office, his hands in his pocket.

Magnus fiddled with the cuff on his ear, anxious. "Alec just... he just lost it for a moment. And then he... left?"

Jace glared. "Why didn't you go after him?"

Ragnor cleared his throat angrily. "He was in  _shock_. I thought it was obvious. Alec just up and raced out of here. It was a little  _shocking_ ," the white haired man drawled.

"Did he say where he was going?" Jace asked. Magnus could tell he was getting frustrated. Magnus wasn't sure how he was supposed to react. He was worried.  _God_ , he was more than  _worried_. He had seen him throw things, yell, pace. But never just  _leave_. There was that one time when Alec was assigned to protect him, but since then, Magnus was so sure that Alec trusted him enough to  _talk_  to him.

Magnus sighed. "I don't  _know_ , Jace. He didn't  _tell_  me." He swallowed thickly. "Has he done this before?"

Jace raised an eyebrow. "You mean Alec losing his shit and storming out? Yeah, he used to do it at least twice a week when he first came home. Don't think too badly of him, I'm sure he just went for a walk to clear his head."

Magnus glared at the blonde. "I could  _never_  think badly of Alexander. I've just never had to deal with something like this before. I get dealing with deaths and grief and self-blame, but PTSD? I've only ever experienced the nightmares. I don't... I don't understand how to  _help_  him. How do I  _help_  him?" Magnus asked, practically pleading for Jace to have an answer.

Ragnor looked defeated, eternally sad for Magnus and everything that he had gone through. Ragnor, along with Cat and Raphael, were the ones who pulled Magnus out of his crippling depression. They were the ones that saved Magnus from himself and all he wanted was to be able to save Alec.

Jace gave him a strange look, one he couldn't decipher. "I know it's only been, like, a week or so, but Alec is already different. He seems  _lighter_ , somehow. Sometimes I see glimpses of the Alec he was before he went to war. You're helping my brother find his way home, Magnus. Just keep doing whatever it is that you've been doing."

"I don't  _know_  what I've been doing! Don't you understand? I don't  _know_. I have no idea what I'm doing!" Magnus shouted, irritation building in him.

Jace chuckled. "Yeah, well, Alec has no idea either. I'll take you home when you're ready, he's probably already on his way there."

Magnus took a deep breath. "What if he isn't?"

"Then I'll wait with you until he is," Jace promised.

***

He wasn't there. He wasn't there in the morning, either. Magnus was beginning to panic. He wanted to think that Jace was too, but he didn't seem concerned in the slightest.

***

West Point was just as Alec remembered, the hard instructors, the even harder classes, the uniformity, the  _order_  of it all. Those were the things he missed the most, the predictability and routine of it all.

He was so relieved to see it again. His time at West Point were some of the best years of Alec's life. He had made so many amazing friends here, and now most of them were dead.

Alec felt guilt coiling in his stomach. It wasn't only for his unit... but for Magnus too. Alec couldn't  _believe_  that he just  _left_  like that. He regretted it the moment he got in the car and drove out of the city.

He regretted it even more when his phone died before he had the chance to call and tell Magnus that he would be alright, before he could apologize. Alec wanted to slap himself.  _God_ , he was such a complete idiot.

And  _of course_ , he had forgotten his sleeping pills... probably because he didn't stop at the mansion during his speedy escape. He spent the night in a crappy motel (thank god he had his wallet on him), staring at the ceiling. He was sore, to say the least, tired and aching.

But  _relieved_. Because he was home again.

He grinned at the cadet in the Box—the little outpost set beside the metal gates that blocked the drive to the college. The cadet came out to greet him and Alec rolled down his window.

"Cadet," he said with a salute.

The man had a frown on his face but returned the action. "I'm going to have to ask you to leave, sir."

Alec gave the man a severe look. "I'm Alec Lightwood. I'm sure you've heard of me."

The cadet visibly paled in his green-grey uniform. "The Final Soldier," he murmured in awe.

Alec snorted. "Horrible name. Anyway, you want to let me in? I have someone I need to talk to."

The cadet shifted. "Who do you want me to call?"

"Jem Carstairs."

***

Alec walked into the main gym, the second largest room in the entire academy. Mats were laid out on the floor, tires set in rows, and steel framework leading to the upper track. He grinned. The only change was the large TV mounted on the side wall.

Cadets were lined up, waiting for inspection so that they could begin their workout regimen. They stood ridged, their faces perfectly blank.

Alec clasped his hands behind his back as he approached. Jem's silver hair gleamed under the lights, the back of his uniform facing Alec.

"It looks like you've found some good ones," Alec commented, appraising the line.

Jem spun on his heel, his brown eyes widening with joy. "When Jackson called me, I

didn't believe that you were actually here."

Alec scratched at the back of his neck, swallowing. "Unfortunately, I'm not here for a pleasant visit."

Jem glanced over his shoulder at the line. "At ease." The cadets relaxed but kept quiet. Jem waved a finger in a circular motion. "You know where you should be, get to it. If I see any slackers, I'll make you do a hundred." The men, and a handful of women, saluted and went about their business, separating into little groups to perform their exercises.

Alec watched them, eyeing the metal framework once more. It had been his greatest enemy and closest friend throughout his time here. The metal rods extended upward, creating a bridge of sorts. It was more like construction scaffolding without the makeshift floors. He had to maneuver his way through the rods to reach the second floor, as several cadets were attempting now.

"What can I do for you, Alec?" Jem asked, his hands behind his back.

"I need to know where Tessa is," Alec explained, wringing out his hands. His pulse quickened at the thought of seeing her again.

Jem tilted his head, his brown eyes scrutinizing. "Why would you need to see my wife?"

Alec started at that. "Wife?"

Jem's eyes warmed as he grinned. "Two years now."

Alec gave an absent nod. "I believe Tessa may have some vital information about Jonathan Morgenstern."

"She doesn't," he said flatly, turning away from him to watch his cadets run the course.

"I don't believe you," Alec replied bluntly. "Something is going on and I need to know what it is."

"What does Jonathan have to do with anything? He's  _dead_ ," Jem drawled.

Alec flinched. "He's  _not_. I'm under the impression that he's involved with something in New York."

"What something?" Jem asked in a low voice.

"The Circle."

Jem inhaled sharply. " _What?_ "

"So you've heard of them?"

Jem straightened. He rattled off an address stiffly. "Go there, I'll meet you as soon as I can."

***

The house was a beautiful two story with a manicured lawn surrounded by a white picket fence. Alec felt out of place, approaching the home of someone he had tried to forget. His past just wanted to keep haunting him, it seemed.

He knocked on the door and it opened almost immediately.

A willowy brunette with piercing grey eyes greeted him, a sad smile on her face. "Alec," she breathed. She pulled him into a fierce hug before he could protest.

"It's nice to see you, Tessa," Alec croaked, pulling back.

She motioned him inside, closing the door. She flapped a hand towards the clutter on the living room floor; toys. "Don't mind the mess."

"A kid, huh?" Alec said awkwardly.

She smiled prettily at him. "Will turned one about a month ago and he's already a troublemaker." The name was so familiar but Alec couldn't place it. "He's taking a nap right now so we should be fine for a little while. What brings you by?"

Alec sat in the armchair, Tessa taking the couch. "Jonathan Morgenstern."

Tessa's lips flattened, her nose scrunching. "It's been a long time since I've heard that name," she said sadly. "I wished I'd never have to hear it again."

"Why? What, exactly, happened that day?" Alec whispered, staring at his hands.

"How... how much do you know?"

"The humvee exploded because Morgenstern needed to fake his death for... something. He said it was some kind of military operation." Alec scoffed. "The bastard doesn't even care that—"

"That the others died," she finished quietly. "I'm afraid there is more to that story. It wasn't a sanctioned operation; it was one ordered by Penhallow. She wanted to place someone on the inside of the rebel group to gather intel. She believed the best way to do that was to erase Jonathan Morgenstern from existence. She... she told me that that Jonathan was going to 'die', but she  _never_  said anything about the landmines."

Alec stood up to pace in front of her, a hand rubbing at his jaw. "She wanted to send him undercover? We're not the FBI or Special Forces. She had no right to enact such an over-the-top operation. What the hell was she thinking?" Rage boiled him in and he clamped it down, reminding himself that there was a baby upstairs.

"I don't know," Tessa admitted. "When I found out about Julian and the others, I reported her. God, Alec. You were almost dead when you were brought in. You almost  _died_  while I was working on you."

"I never thanked you for that," he muttered. "You saved my life and I never thanked you."

"You didn't need to. You brought Julian home,  _we_  were the thankful ones."

That confused him. "Jem trained Julian and I... but how do—did you know him?"

Her face softened. "My niece, Emma, met him over the summer one year and they were inseparable ever since. I just wish they had more time together."

"Yeah," Alec croaked. "Me too." They let a silence settled around them for several moments before Alec snapped it in two. "Is there anything else you can tell me? Any reason why he would be in New York City? Any connection his has to Magnus Bane?"

She shook her head. "There's not much else to tell. You knew him better than I ever did."

"Apparently not well enough," he muttered.

"He has family in the city, but I heard they were at odds with one another. As for that Magnus Bane? I've never heard of a  _Bane_. But Magnus Asmodeus? That's a different matter altogether," Tessa said wryly.

"Asmodeus?" Alec said. It felt as if a knife had been plunged directly into his heart. Had Magnus been lying this entire time? Would it really matter if he  _had_  been? It was just a last name. But for some reason, Alec couldn't shake the feeling that it was something much, much more important than that. Alec shook his head; he'd deal with  _that_  information later. "Jonathan's family?"

Tessa nodded, crossing one leg over the other. "His parents are divorced and he has a little sister, a few years younger than you."

"A sister? He never mention a sister, only his parents." Alec resumed his pacing.

Tessa shrugged. "Jocelyn was pregnant before the divorce was finalized. I don't think she ever told her husband. It's possible Jonathan didn't know and only found out recently."

Jocelyn...

"Oh no," Alec breathed. His world tilted before snapping into crystal clarity. "I need to borrow your phone." Tessa handed it over without question. He dialed Jace's number and waited.

"Hello?" the other man's voice called.

"Jace, you need to listen to me," Alec started.

"Alec! Thank God! We've been looking everywhere for you. The  _hell_ , man? How could you just disappear like that? What phone are you calling on, anyway? I don't recognize the number."

"That's not important right now," Alec rushed out. "Where's Jonathan? Was he bailed out?"

Jace cleared his throat and Alec's stomach plummeted. "He was bailed out last night, during Izzy's party. We were notified this morning. Luke seemed unfazed but that's nothing new."

"I think I know why now." He took a deep breath, steeling himself. "Luke is married to Jocelyn. Jocelyn is Jonathan's  _mother_ , Jace. You need to find Clary. I talked with Jonathan earlier and he said he had his family to protect. The man's a damned  _psychopath_ , you need to find her." There was only silence on the other end. "Jace?"

" _Shit. Oh shit!_ " Jace spat. "Luke and Jonathan have been working together this whole time,  _damn it!_  I knew something was off. Luke was so indifferent towards Magnus's assault, he's usually blowing a gasket when something like that comes in. He knew this entire  _time_ ," he breathed. "He  _knew_  that Clary was Jonathan's sister. No wonder he would tell us  _nothing_."

"Jace!" Alec snapped, stopping his brother's ramblings. "Where's Clary?"

He cursed again. "Right. I'll call you when I know something." He hung up before Alec could say another word.

Tessa looked unusually pale. "They're all in New York," she mumbled.

Alec frowned. "You said that just a little while ago."

"You don't  _understand_. They're all  _there_. How is that city still standing?"

Alec's heart stopped beating. " _Who?_ "

"The Circle. If they're all there then—"

"Lots of people are going to die," Jem said, his voice cutting through as the front door closed behind him. They hadn't even noticed that he was there.

"What do the Morgenstern's have to do with the Circle?" Alec asked slowly, fearing the answer.

"Valentine Morgenstern is the founder of it, of the whole operation," Jem said firmly.

Alec hesitated. "How do  _you_  know that?"

Jem tilted his head, his arms crossing over his chest. "We served together. He went crazy, killing two of our men in friendly fire, then vanished. He's a wanted deserter and has murder charges against him."

Alec tensed. "Then why do we have nothing on him?"

Tessa frowned. "Because someone was working for him and erased the charges."

Jem sighed, rubbing at his forehead. "Alec, the Circle isn't  _just_  a drug ring. They deal in illegal weapons, biotech, blackmarket bombs. They  _run_  the blackmarket."

Alec's throat was tightening with every passing second. "How do we stop them?"

Jem shook his head. "There is no  _we_  in this one, Alec. We owe you for Julian but I will  _not_  risk my family. This is the NYPD's business and the FBI's. I want no part in it."

Alec nodded, biting his lower lip. He could understand  _that_  perfectly fine. "Understood. More information would be useful, though. How do they recruit?"

"Most are ex-military or have license to carry concealed weapons. Most are already criminals of some sort who attract the attention of the Circle," Jem explained gruffly.

"Do you know of any  _names_?" Alec asked, close to snapping at them both, even though Tessa remained relatively quiet.

"I'll email you the list. But you need to leave now," Jem said. His eyes were hard and Alec could understand that too.

"Thank you," he said, nodding to him then Tessa. "I'm sorry I didn't get to see Will."

Tessa gave a sad smile. "You'll be back here eventually. Look after Emma for us, please?"

Alec swallowed. "I'll try my best." Alec's hand was on the doorknob when the phone rang.

"Hello?" Tessa asked. "Alec, wait!" He frowned, walking back to take the phone from her.

"Alec, I'm so sorry. I wasn't thinking.  _I'm so sorry_. Shit!" Jace cried. "Magnus was kidnapped."

The phone slipped from his hand and he charged through the door.

***

Magnus woke to darkness, the bitter smell of blood filling his nose. He grunted, struggling to open his eyes. For a brief moment, confusion washed over him, his head pounding.

Tears streamed down Magnus's face as the memories returned.

Jace had received a phone call and panicked, saying that Clary was in danger. He had ordered Magnus to lock all doors and windows, to stay quiet and act like he wasn't home. Under no circumstances was Magnus supposed to open the door.

Magnus had been  _terrified_  of being by himself. He  _knew_  that he was looking for him. He  _knew_  that there was nowhere for Magnus to hide, no way to run away from him. He would never truly be able to escape his past but he had  _tried_.

There had been a knock on the door and Magnus had been so  _relieved_  that Alec was finally home (he hadn't brought his keys to Izzy's party which was why he knocked). Magnus was so  _thrilled_  that he yanked the door open without a second thought.

It wasn't Alec.

The man of his nightmares was standing in front of him and Magnus forgot how to breathe, forgot everything but he gut wrenching fear.

Then darkness collapsed.

He was here now, strapped to a wooden chair in the center of a large, empty building. Little strands of light leaked through the dirt-covered windows. Magnus shook his head, trying to clear it.

A clap thundered through the building and Magnus flinched. The man prowled forward, shadows running along his body. "My dear son, I'm glad I found you." His voice was like nails on a chalkboard, the growl of an angry cat. Magnus's heart spasmed and he tried to take in air. "What? Have you no kind words for me?" The monster grinned.

"What do you  _want?_ " Magnus pushed through gritted teeth. He was shaking, his entire body vibrating with his terror.

Asmodeus drew nearer, placing a finger under Magnus's chin, forcing him to meet his father's cold gaze. "I've come to ask you to join me. I know, I know, I've asked this before. I was hoping you had a change of heart."

Magnus jerked his head backward. "Why would I do that?" he croaked.

Asmodeus grinned. "Because now you've realized that there  _is_  nothing better out there for you. The only way for you to be truly happy is to rule by my side. The Underworld of this city is being tarnished by a madman and I want to take it  _back_."

"There  _is_  something  _better_ , you delusional bastard," Magnus grunted. Asmodeus's grin slipped from his face and he gripped Magnus's shoulder, squeezing painfully.

He tilted his head. "Oh? You mean the soldier who's been following you around? My poor son... do you truly believe that  _Alexander Lightwood_ , the revered war hero and broken man, could ever love someone like  _you_? A cop and the son of the city's worst crime lord." He  _tutted_. "I thought I raised you better than  _this_."

Magnus ignored the tears in his eyes. "You raised me to be  _lesser_. You taught me that I had to  _fight_  to get what I wanted, had to endure  _pain_  because it would make me stronger. You taught me what it was to  _hate_  myself, my family. You  _ruined_  me!"

Asmodeus rolled his eyes. "Always so dramatic. Your mother was like that too. If only she had killed herself before her influence was able to reach you."

Bile rose in Magnus's throat. "Go to  _Hell_."

Asmodeus snorted viciously. "I  _rule_  Hell, boy. And I want you to rule it beside me."

"No," Magnus bit out.

The monster sighed, rubbing at his forehead. "I didn't want to do this, but it appears that I have to reteach you those  _lessons_  from your childhood." He spun on his heel, hands stuffed into his pocket.

"No, no, no, no," Magnus muttered as a woman dressed in black sauntered into the room. Her hair was long and black, her lips painted the color of fresh blood, her eyes dark. She had a knife in one hand, brass knuckles on the other. Magnus dipped his head, praying for someone to save him. For  _anyone_  to save him.

God, he wanted  _Alec_.

***

Luke pressed his phone to his ear, leaning back in his chair. "Hello?"

"Luke, we have a problem," Jace rushed out.

Luke closed his eyes for a brief second. "What is it?"

"First, I'm dating your daughter, please don't kill me. Two, I think Jonathan is after Clary. I'm at  _BlackHeart_  right now, keeping an eye on her. Three, Magnus is... gone. After placing Maia on Clary, I went back to get him. The front door was open and he was missing."

Luke cursed under his breath. "Don't be too worried about Clary, Jonathan would never hurt her. As for Magnus, are you  _sure_  he didn't just forget to close it as he went out?"

"Seriously, Luke? He's not an  _idiot_. I checked the security footage, I'm sending it over now. We  _need_  to find him. Alec is on his way and I don't know what he'll do if we haven't found him." Jace hung up and Luke turned to his computer, pulling up his email.

He opened the one from Jace and his heart plummeted.

It was at that moment that Luke realized he had fucked up.

Big time.

He had thrown Alec and Jace and all his other men into the middle of a war between the two biggest criminals in the city; Valentine and Asmodeus.

He hadn't even  _known_  Asmodeus was in the city. He cursed himself. Of  _course_. Magnus was his  _son_ , and Luke had missed it completely. He had sent Alec right into the lion's den.

Valentine had been the one to bail Jonathan out, claiming that he was a changed man now that his son was home. Luke knew it was bullshit, knew the two of them were planning something. He had one of his men tail them, to watch and report; he hasn't heard anything and the man was supposed to call in an hour ago.

As for Asmodeus, he wasn't a member of the Circle; he was the leader of the Edomites—the deadliest gang in the city. A battle was brewing, one between the two sides that would destroy the city in the process.

Luke needed to remove one of them from the equation. Valentine had loyal subjects and blackmailed slaves. Asmodeus had lackies with no loyalty other than to the money placed in their palms. He had less support, less men who would stand behind him.

_Asmodeus_  was the easier target.

Luke needed to find him and bring him in before the city exploded, before  _Magnus_  was killed. He cursed again.

God, he fucked it all up and now people were going to die.

***

Alec drove directly to the station, the cold-calm of a soldier already consuming him. Luke was in his office, his eyes rapidly moving across the computer screen.

"Where is he?" Alec asked, his tone flat.

Luke leaned back, running a hand over his head. "We don't know yet. We know  _who_ has him so an APB was sent out. We'll find him, Alec."

Alec cleared his throat, shifting his stance. He pulled up the email Jem had sent him on his phone. He placed the phone on the desk and Luke snatched it.

He scrolled through the list of names. "These are all Circle members," he said gruffly, his dark eyes widening.

"Yes," Alec replied stiffly. "Which one has Magnus?"

Luke paled. "He wasn't taken by the Circle. His  _father_ has him."

Alec's heart quivered. He knew very little about Magnus's family and his childhood. But he knew  _enough_. Panic coursed through him at the thought of Magnus once again with that asshole.

"He's just a man," Alec reasoned. "Surely he has a known address, buildings he's rented out..."

Luke shook his head slowly. "He's the leader of the Edomites. They're  _ghosts_ , Alec."

"How—how is that possible? I don't... I don't understand."

"The Edomites are not settled in one particular city. They move from major to major every few months which is why they've never been caught. Asmodeus was last seen in L.A. His arrival here must be recent if we didn't notice him."

"My God," Alec breathed, beginning to pace.

There was knock on the door and Luke called for the person to enter. Raphael walked in, hands tucked into his pockets, gold gleaming around his neck.

"What can I help you with?" Luke asked pleasantly.

"I can help  _you_ , actually," Raphael said. Luke motioned for him to continue. "I know where Magnus is; a warehouse in High Point."

Alec's lips parted. "High Point... it was you, wasn't it? You were the one who called the ambulance for Lily Chen."

Raphael gave a grim nod. "Lily's a friend of mine. She told me to meet her there. I hadn't expected her to OD."

Alec shook his head. "Why would Asmodeus take him there? Camille was working with the Circle, not the Edomites."

Luke raised a hand, drawing Alec's attention. "Zara Dearborn, a  _Circle member_ , was found dead in the same district of the city. This it the beginning of a  _war._  The Edomites against the Circle. The city will be ripped apart."

"That was over a week ago. The Circle never retaliated for her murder," Alec pointed out.

"That we know of," Luke countered.

"What does this have to do with Magnus?" Raphael asked impatiently.

"Asmodeus must be trying to convince Magnus to work with him. Asmodeus's power is unstable, having someone to follow in his footsteps is a way to solidify his hold."

"Can you put the damn politics aside? Magnus is at that warehouse! Why are you still standing here?" Raphael asked.

Alec's heart sputtered and he shoved his feelings aside. His mind snapped into focus as he nodded. "I'll call in the others. Luke, tell those on patrol to stop people from leaving that neighborhood. Call a curfew if you have to."

***

Magnus stared blankly at Lilith—the female torturer that Asmodeus had brought in. He kept replaying his moments with Alec in his head. The kisses, the comforting touches, the  _freedom_  he felt when it was just the two of them.

Magnus had been trapped his entire life. Trapped by his father, by grief, by blame. Trapped by his depression.

Alec had been the one to set him free. They had known each other for only a short time but it didn't matter to Magnus; it felt as if they had known each other their entire lives.

Magnus knew he was going to die. Asmodeus would kill him once he realized Magnus would  _never_  join him. He could feel it in his bones as surely as he could feel his love for Alec in his heart.

God, his Alexander. All he wanted was to be in Alec's arms one last time.

"I've wanted to do this for a long time now," Lilith drawled. "I may follow Asmodeus but we all know he'll throw us aside once he's finished. Now I can right that injustice by breaking his son. I've always wanted children, you know?" she said, twirling the knife in her hand. "But then I realized how useless that was. Children are  _betrayers_."

Lilith plunged the knife into Magnus's thigh and he screamed.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and Kudos!!


	8. Battle of Hearts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have no idea how to summarize this one so I'm not even going to try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Amazing Mama Maryse is my favorite Maryse

 Alec was the first to arrive at the warehouse, the first to see the broken windows and desolate street. He was also the one who realized the warehouse was  _empty_.

He pulled out his phone and called Luke, his heart close to exploding in his chest. "He's not here," he gasped.

Luke sighed. "We know. After you left we received a call from Asmodeus. He said he would only release Magnus if  _you_  took his place. We don't know what he wants from you but you don't need to worry. The team is already here; we're about to storm the place."

The world around him was tainted red. "That  _hell,_ Luke! Where the fuck are you?"

Luke disconnect so Alec called Jace.

"I can't tell you where we are, Alec. I  _know_  you, you'll do anything to protect those you care about and I can't lose you again. I'm sorry," Jace said immediately.

"Jace,  _please_ ," Alec pleaded.

"No, I'm sorry. Magnus will be fine, trust us." Jace hung up too.

"I can't," Alec muttered. He activated the tracker on Jace's phone—something that Alec had put in place several years ago after Jace went missing for a week.

He was about twenty minutes outside of the city.

***

"Magnus, my boy, you can make this  _stop_ ," Asmodeus said, crouching in front of him. Magnus spat a wad of blood out of his mouth, splattering on Asmodeus's black shoes.

"You're the reason my mother killed herself," Magnus muttered. "I've spent my  _life_  running away from you! I've done  _everything_  to make sure I would never need you."

Asmodeus laughed. "And look how well that worked. You think Camille Belcourt just  _found_  you one day? I  _told_  her where you were, told her to offer you a job. The romance wasn't expected but it didn't ruin my plans."

"What plans would those be?" Magnus asked, groaning as his father placed a hand on his knee, setting the wound in his thigh on fire.

"You'll never be happy, Magnus. You'll always be  _alone_. I wanted to teach you that through experience, and Camille breaking your heart did just that," Asmodeus explained, standing.

"I'm not alone," Magnus muttered.

Asmodeus raised an eyebrow. "Oh?"

"I have  _friends_ , family. I have people who care about me, unlike  _you_ ," Magnus spat, his head becoming heavy with the blood loss.

"If you mean that Lightwood boy, then I'm so very sorry," the man drawled.

Magnus's head jerked up. "What? What did you  _do_? What did you do to Alec?" Magnus's heart shuttered, his breath coming in short gasps.

His father grinned. "I haven't done anything. Not yet."

Asmodeus left and Lilith was called back in.

***

"They're on the main floor," Luke said, pointing at the blueprint he had acquired from the city records. "Men were spotted patrolling these hallways but the large central room has been left alone. I think that's where Magnus is being kept."

Jace frowned, crossing his arms over his chest. "I still don't understand why Asmodeus wanted Alec. Why go after a detective?"

Maia peered around his shoulder, staring at the blueprint. "I think it has something to do with Magnus. Asmodeus may know about their relationship and want it to end."

Jace snorted. "Asmodeus is the leader of the Edomites. Why does he  _care_?"

Luke shrugged, rubbing his temple. "It doesn't matter. The man is crazy and sadistic. It doesn't matter what he  _wants_. We need to be concerned with what he  _does_."

"We need to stop him before he does something permanent," Jace said. "We need to stop standing around."

"We can't just go in guns blazing, we're outnumbered and we have more to lose than they do," Luke reasoned.

"You know what?" Jace asked, his voice low. "I don't give a  _shit_  what you have to say. You lost my respect when you  _lied_  to us. If it weren't for Clary, I would've beaten you up by now."

Luke's face hardened. "Where is Clary, anyway?"

"She's at the station with two others. They have the placed locked up. We'll be able to deal with the Jonathan threat after this," Jace replied coolly.

Maia placed a hand on his bicep. "Jace, now is not the time for this. We need to focus on  _Magnus._ "

"Then  _Alec_  should be here!" Jace snapped.

The roar of an engine drew nearer and heads turned in the direction of a cruiser. It halted and Alec slid out from behind the wheel. He ignored Jace and Maia completely, zeroing in on Luke.

"Once Magnus is  _safe_. I'm  _done_. Got it?" Alec snarled.

"Alec..." Luke said, dragging out his name.

Jace raised an eyebrow as Alec drew his gun. "Alec, you're not going in there alone."

Alec snorted. "Of course not. You're coming with me."

***

Gunshots rang out along with angered shouts. Magnus tensed as Asmodeus strutted into the room, a grin spreading across his face.

He clapped his hands together. "The fun's about to begin."

"If you hurt him..." Magnus croaked, his throat tightening.

Asmodeus chuckled, grabbing a rag from his jacket pocket. "Oh, I'm not going to hurt him. I'm going to  _kill_  him for taking my son from me."

"You—" The rag was shoved into Magnus's mouth and tied at the back of his head. Asmodeus turned his back and stared at the door, waiting.

***

With Jace by his side, they were able to take down a handful of men, others come towards them. The wood creaked beneath running footsteps.

Jace jerked his head towards the large doors that led to the room Luke suspected Magnus to be in. "You go, I'll cover you."

Alec nodded in affirmation, raising his gun as he grasped the knob. He took in a settling breath and shoved the door open with his shoulder.

Asmodeus was standing in an expensive suit, his hands clasped behind his back. Alec's eyes slid over him, landing on the slumped form strapped to a wooden chair.

His heart stopped in his chest, his hands beginning to shake. The figure was shadowed,

pools of blood on the floor beside him. "Magnus?" Alec croaked, his focus returning to Asmodeus.

Asmodeus grinned. "Did you think I would kill my only son? I'm not a  _monster_ , I'm a businessman."

Alec flexed his fingers, hovering over the trigger. "A  _businessman_  who beat his wife to her own suicide, who abused his  _only son_. You  _are_  a monster, Asmodeus."

The man looked pleased. "I'm surprised the great  _Alexander Lightwood_ even knows who I am. I know my son didn't tell you. How did that feel? For the man you were protecting to be hiding something so detrimental to his safety, to  _yours_."

Alec swallowed thickly. "I'm sure he had his reasons."

Asmodeus tilted his head. "Did he now?" He shifted to the side and the slumped figure jerked into motion.

Magnus shook his head rapidly, blood flowing from a gash on his forehead, his tanned skin pale, too pale. He screamed, grunting around the gag, his eyes wide with panic.

Alec leveled his gun, taking his aim.

"You're going to kill an unarmed man?" Asmodeus mocked. "Like that poor child during the war?"

Alec couldn't breathe, his body freezing. "How— _how_ —" he choked.

"It doesn't matter," Asmodeus drawled.

Pain shattered through Alec's back, his finger slipping from the trigger as he crashed to his knees. There was a ringing in his ears. He coughed, blood splattering from his mouth. Magnus eyes met with his as everything went black.

***

Alec woke to bright lights and a hazy fog in his mind. He groaned and a fuzzy form appeared in his line of vision, something warm on his hand.

The figure's mouth was moving but Alec couldn't hear a word. Panic coursed through him as he tried to speak but couldn't.

***

"Welcome back, Alec," a familiar voice said. He blinked, then blinked again.

"What..." Alec croaked, his throat dry and stuffed with cotton. A plastic cup was placed at his lips and he swallowed the water greedily. "What happened?" he whispered.

Cat gave him a small, sad smile. "You were shot."

Alec sucked in air and the memory came back to him. " _Magnus_."

Cat's gently rested a hand on his shoulder. "Magnus is fine. Asmodeus and the Edomites skipped town."

Alec was vaguely aware of the faint beeping. "They just... left?"

Cat gave a solemn nod. "Luke was too worried about you to risk more of his men to chase them down. He alerted the nearby cities so hopefully they'll be prepared."

"How long was I out?" he asked, shaking his head.

"Two weeks. It was a little touch-and-go for a while," Cat explained. "I'd like to keep you here for another week for observation and rehabilitation."

"Rehabilitation? I don't..." Alec whispered.

"The gunshot was in the same place where I removed metal from the humvee. You're nerves were slightly damaged but we think you should regain full maneuverability," Cat said slowly.

Alec waited for a moment, trying to regain his voice. "I'm paralyzed?" he gasped, his lungs constricting.

Cat laughed. " _No_ , Alec. You're going to be just fine if you allow yourself to heal."

Alec nodded. "Did you call my family?"

"I had someone call them as soon as you regained consciousness. They should be here any moment."

Alec lifted his head, looking down at the blanket covering his legs. Relief flooded through him as he shifted, along with a bolt of pain. "Who all is coming?"

"Everyone, Alec. They've been so worried," Cat reassured.

It wasn't as reassuring at she wanted it to be. He didn't know what to say to them. He didn't know what to say to  _Magnus_. Was he supposed to apologize for leaving or be angry that he had lied or indifferent because Magnus was just supposed to be the man he was assigned to protect?

They arrived about a half hour later, just after Cat finished her workup. Izzy and Jace came rushing in, wide smiles on their faces.

"We were so worried,  _hermano_ ," Izzy said, careful warping her arm around Alec in a semi-hug. He patted her back.

"I'm going to be fine," he promised. He knocked fists with Jace who couldn't stop grinning.

"It's been a tough few weeks, man," Jace said wryly. "There've been quite a few changes at the precinct and the Jonathan situation has... uh...  _changed_."

" _Jace_ ," Maryse warned as she entered the hospital room, Robert following a few steps back. They stood on opposite ends of the room, refusing to look at each other. "You don't need to unload on him right now."

Jace gave him a guilty look but Alec waved it away.

Robert cleared his throat. "I'm going to go talk with Catarina Loss." They all watched him leave, not at all surprised that Robert didn't so much as  _greet_  Alec.

"What an ass," Maryse muttered. The three of them nodded in agreement, sharing wry grins.

"Where's Max?" Alec asked, looking past them to the door.

"It's one o'clock on a Tuesday, Alec," Jace said with a laugh. "Max is still at school."

"Right," Alec muttered. Anxiety was building in him, he knew it was coming, knew  _he_

was coming. But Magnus wasn't here yet.

"Can I..." Maryse trailed off, her eyes looking everywhere but at Alec. "Can I have a moment, please?"

Izzy and Jace shared a knowing look. Izzy placed a soft kiss on Alec's forehead before grabbing Jace's arm and pulling him out of the room.

Maryse stood awkwardly, wringing out her hands. Alec gestured for her to take a seat in the arm chair. She hesitated but eventually lowered into the chair. She gingerly grasped Alec's hand in her own.

Tears pooled in her eyes and she swallowed. "I'm so sorry, Alec," she gasped, ducking her head.

"What?" Alec asked, bewildered.

"I've been a  _terrible_  mother and you deserve so much  _better_  than me." She wiped at her eyes. "We kicked you out," she said, shaking her head in disgust. "You wanted to choose a career that would save  _lives_  and we  _kicked you out_. What kind of parent does that?"

Alec gave a half smile, the tightness in his chest loosening. "We both know that was Dad's idea."

"And I just went along with it," she whispered. "I do  _everything_ that man asks and he disregards me completely."

"You deserve better too, Mom," Alec said softly, his hazel eyes clashing with her dark brown.

"Would you let me try? Let me try to make this right, Alec. Let me be better," she pleaded, her grip tightening.

"Why?" he asked suddenly. "Why do you want this so badly?"

Her eyes hardened with determination. "Because I almost lost you. I have never been so terrified in my life. Not even when you came home from war with that injury and the emotional trauma. Because you were  _here_  and you weren't  _dying_. When I got the call that you had been shot I realized that I couldn't remember the last time I told you that I love you. I  _love_  you, Alec, so much. And I know that I've pushed you to be someone you aren't. I'm so sorry for that. I just want what's best for you. I've realized now that  _I_  don't know what that is. I just want to help," she finished, the tears finally falling.

Alec sniffled, his cheeks reddening. "I love you too, Mom."

She huffed a laugh then reached forward and wiped away his tears. "We're a pair of messes, aren't we?"

Alec smiled. "Yeah, I guess we are."

"I just wish we had realized it sooner," Maryse admitted, glancing down at their hands. Alec dipped his head.

They let a calming silence fill the space between them, Maryse rubbing soothing circles into the back of his hand. Alec closed his eyes, exhaustion pulling at him. Alec couldn't help but wonder if he was drugged right then, so calm and so  _safe_. He didn't even yearn for his sleeping pills.

Alec drifted off to a dreamless sleep and was woken by the soft rapping of knuckles on wood. He blinked blurrily, his heart stopping for a brief second as his mind convinced him Asmodeus was lingering in the doorway.

"I'll let you two have a moment," Maryse said softly, kissing Alec's cheek.

He blinked again as Magnus hesitated, moving closer with his hands tucked in his pockets.

Magnus face was clean of all makeup, shadows beneath his eyes. He had a bandage on his forehead, bruises lining his arms. Lead settled in Alec's stomach, air escaping him. He was being crushed by guilt that he didn't want.

"I guess you want an explanation," Magnus rasped, his voice low and scratchy. He twirled the rings on his fingers.

"No," Alec breathed.

Magnus froze, his lips parting. "I—what?"

Alec shook his head, closing his eyes. "I don't  _want_  an  _explanation_. I don't...  _God_ , Magnus. You  _lied_  to me. How was I supposed to protect you if I didn't know the true extent of what I was protecting you  _from_.  _God, Magnus!_  Do you realize what kind of position you put me in?"

Magnus ducked his head. "I know, Alec," he whispered. "You could've died because of me.  _I know._ "

"Then why are you here?" Alec asked coldly, narrowing his eyes.

Magnus lifted his head, rage brewing in his dark eyes. "Why am I here? I wanted to see you. I was  _terrified_  that you were going to die. I came every day. Did you know that? Every single  _day_ , waiting for you to wake up."

"Why?" Alec asked, his voice cracking.

Magnus ran a hand through his hair, a look of pain flashing across his face. "Because I think I'm falling in love with you, Alexander!"

Alec's lips parted, a startled laugh erupting from his chest. "Leave," he whispered, staring at his hands.

"What?" Magnus breathed, his voice wavering.

Alec forced himself to meet Magnus's gaze. "I think you need to leave."

Magnus dropped his head, hastily wiping at his face. "I understand. I'm sorry, Alexander." He spun in his heel and practically ran out of the room.

"I am too," Alec whispered. He held his head in his shaking hands.

***

Magnus's heart was in tatters as he walked further away from Alec. He knew it was all his fault. It was  _always_ his fault. He became too invested, too attached. Like he always did. Magnus wanted to believe that Alec, his brave, beautiful, healing Alexander, would be different. Being with him  _felt_  different.

Magnus had been so terrified of being rejected that he hid from Alec, hid when all he wanted to do was let him in. Magnus promised to himself then, as he was leaving the hospital, that he would do whatever it took to show Alec how special he was to Magnus. He would make him listen.

God, he wished he could fix this.

***

The next few days were terrible for Alec, he felt drained, empty, and infinitely annoyed. Cat was assigned to him... again. His day was comprised of eating shitty hospital food, visits from his family (Max more than anyone) and physical therapy.

He could walk just fine, it was everything else that was the problem; standing and sitting, climbing stairs. He felt a twinge in his back every time he moved. Cat promised it would go away with time. Alec wasn't so sure.

He missed Magnus and he didn't want to. He knew he shouldn't; the man had lied to him, had put himself and Alec in more danger than he had realized. Alec  _missed_ him, missed the lightness he felt whenever Magnus was in the room.

Alec was being ridiculous, but he couldn't get the feeling, the  _guilt_ to go away. He should've listened to him, should've let him explain.

Alec groaned as Cat helped him back into his bed.

"Magnus called," she told him.

"How does he have your number?" Alec asked stiffly.

Cat snorted. "I knew Magnus before I knew you."

Alec raised an eyebrow. "How'd you meet?"

Sadness flickered in her dark eyes. "I think that's something you need to ask him yourself."

Alec titled his head. "Why did he call you?"

Cat gave him a bland look. "To ask about you, idiot."

His heart stuttered. "What did you say?" he croaked.

Cat sighed. "I told him you were improving. He wanted to know when you'd be released."

Alec pretended the news meant nothing to him. But a blip of  _something_  prodded at his aching heart. "Four more days."

She smiled this time. "No, Alec. Two. Jace and I discussed it. He'll be taking several days off to look after you and drive you to your PT appointments."

Alec slumped in relief. "Thank you, Cat." She patted his shoulder, sending him a wink as she left.

***

Alec pressed his head against the window, Jace behind the wheel. "Are you going to tell me about the precinct now?"

Jace huffed a laugh. "Luke was demoted because he failed to report any of this Edomites-Circle bullshit."

Alec looked at him in shock. "Who took his place?"

Jace grinned. "Maia. Looks like I need a replacement replacement partner."

Alec snorted. "I thought you were taking some time off?"

"I am. But when I go back I'll need someone..." he let the statement linger in the air. He needed someone else... because Alec wouldn't be on the force anymore.

"And the Jonathan situation?"Alec pressed.

Jace grimaced. "He's been harassing Clary, stalking almost. She's filed for a restraining order but with Valentine's connections, we don't think it'll be approved."

"The Circle's still thriving, huh? At least the Edomites aren't causing problems anymore," Alec muttered.

Jace shrugged. "A gang war was avoided so I think that's a win."

Alec grunted with a nod. He looked out the window and furrowed his brow. "I thought we were going back to the apartment."

Jace ran a hand through his hair. "I asked Magnus to pack up your things. We have to pick them up."

Alec clutched at his chest, trying to breath. Jace squeezed his shoulder. "Magnus is at  _BlackHeart_ , I made sure of it."

Alec stayed in the car once they reached the mansion, his eyes scanning the windows. Jace retrieved the key from the bottom of a potted plant and unlocked the door, disappearing inside. It took less than two minutes for Jace to throw the suitcases into the trunk.

Alec could've sworn he saw a shadow pass behind the curtains as they drove away.

***

Alec stared at the stairs and questioned his own stupidity. He hadn't even considered how he was supposed to make it up to their apartment. There was an elevator but it had been broken for years.

"Take your time," Jace encouraged, the cases left at the bottom of the stairs. Jace stood close behind, his hands raised as if to catch Alec if he fell.

Mortification and shame painted Alec's cheeks red as he gripped the handrail. He controlled his breathing, his hand sweating as he pulled himself up. It took several seconds to convince his knee to bend, for his thighs to pull up his lower leg, for his foot to hit the next stair. Walking was  _easier_ , just one foot in front of the other, but bending his knees more severely was something Alec had yet to remaster. It was  _frustrating_.

He repeated the process over and over, Jace never saying a word. They reached the first landing in the span of six minutes, stopping to allow Alec to rest. The second landing took half that, Alec's anger at his weakness pushing him to go faster.

Jace handed Alec the key and he let himself in, Jace running back downstairs for the suitcases.

Alec groaned at the sight of his living room; he hadn't seen his apartment in  _weeks._  Jace closed the door behind him, putting Alec's stuff in his bedroom.

"I was going to order some pizza for dinner," Jace called from the hallway.

Alec moved to the coach, slowly lowering himself onto it. He grabbed the remote. "Make sure it's from the good place!"

Jace came in moments later, sitting in the arm chair, kicking his feet up on the coffee table. Alec rolled his eyes. "You have no manners."

Jace snorted. "You knew that almost your entire life. I thought you'd be over it by now."

"Whatever," Alec grumbled, crossing his arms.

Jace grinned, silver lining his eyes. "I'm so glad you're back."

Alec rubbed at his eyes. "So am I."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and Kudos!!


	9. Love is Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Coming out is hard for everyone, especially Alec... even though everyone pretty much knew already.

Alec was unbelievably tired, his back and legs aching. Physical therapy had gone well,  _really_ well. Cat seemed to think it would only be another week now; Alec wished it was less than that.

"What do you want to do?" Jace asked, the apartment door closing behind them.

Alec could barely manage a grunt, shuffling towards his bedroom. Jace snorted, muttering something under his breath. Alec flipped him off, Jace's laughter following him into his room.

He slowly sat on the bed, pulling his legs up. He leaned back with a groan and rubbed at his eyes. He was asleep within minutes.

_Magnus was at the end of the dark tunnel, the sounds of tanks rumbling in the walls. Blood slowly dripped down Magnus's face, from his ears and eyes, wetting his lips. Alec tried to shout a warning but it was too late._

_Asmodeus roughly grabbed Magnus's shoulders, yanking him into the shadows. There was a guttural sound, an ear shattering scream, a steady beeping._

_White light flashed, morphing into a burning red that seared Alec's eyes. The humvee toppled, the blast throwing Alec backward._

_Pain splintered through him. He cried out but Magnus was already gone._

Alec blinked, tears blurring his vision. He rolled over, burying his face in his pillow. Sobs shook his body and he struggled to breathe. Sweat clung to his skin like blood and bile rose in his throat.

He threw off the sheets, using the wall to steady himself as he made his way to the bathroom. The warm water of the shower soothed him, clearing his head.

He dried his hair with a towel, slipping into a pair of black sweatpants. Alec found a note from Jace on the kitchen table, telling him that Jace was taking Clary out for dinner and that there was leftover Chinese in the fridge. He lazily tugged the door open, his eyes immediately finding the six-pack of beer on the shelf.

He grabbed that instead.

He felt so  _useless_. He wasn't able to  _do_  anything. It was driving him crazy. He was  _pathetic,_  constantly thinking about a man he shouldn't want. He just... he wanted to feel something else for a while.

He cracked the beer open, lifting it to his lips. He relished the burn in the back of his throat, the familiarity of it. It was such a bitter taste, a freeing one. He couldn't remember when it happened, after his first, maybe after his second, or even his third. But eventually, he started to cry silently, stumbling towards the couch.

He slid his phone out of his pocket, cradling the beer against his chest as he did so. He scrolled through his contacts. He's had the number since he was given that damn business card, but he never had the courage to call it. He went straight to voicemail.

"Hey, Magnus," Alec sighed, hiccuping. "I... I know that... Ah." He coughed. "You have really pretty eyes. Brown but  _brown_ , you know?" He chuckled softly, taking a sip of his beer. "And you're a model. Like a  _really_ HOT model. I appreciate that, a lot. I wanted you to know that I appreciate that. I appreciate you too." He scratched at his cheek, humming softly. "I wanted to apolomize... amopolize...  _apologize_. Geez, big word. Look, Mags, I'm  _really_  sorry for being an ass. You didn't deserve that. Also, I'm very drunk right now, so I guess I'm sorry for that too.  _Fuck_ , I fucked this up. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm going to hang up now. Yeah..." He hit the disconnect button, slumping even further into the couch.

He placed it back at his ear. "Hey, Mom. I'm gay. Did you know that?" He hiccuped, tears streaming down his face. "I bet you did,  _everyone_ seems to know that! You hate me, don't you?

"Alec, I—" she started.

He laughed derisively. "You  _hate_  me. Everyone does. I always knew it.  _God_ , I hate me. I dated Lydia for you. Was going to... was... I proposed to her  _for you_. I wanted... I want you to be happy, Mom. I knew me... being like...  _this_... wasn't going to make you happy. I'm sorry, Mom. I-I'm sorry I ruined your life."

"Alec,  _no_ ," she gasped. He ended the call, throwing his phone onto the coffee table. It wasn't enough. He threw his empty beer bottle and watch as the glass shattered against the wall, the leftover liquid slowly dripping down.

He rubbed at his eyes and leaned against the armrest, groaning at the ache in his chest.

***

The lights were still on when Jace got home... at three in the morning. "Alec?" he called, dropping his keys in the bowl next to the door. He heard soft snoring and grinned as he saw Alec's unruly hair against the couch. He slipped out of his shoes, slowly approaching his brother. "Hey?" he whispered.

His heart froze in his chest; beer bottles were lying empty on the coffee table, glass shards by the far wall. "Oh, Alec," he murmured. He lightly brushed Alec's hair out of his face. It had been a long time since Jace saw his brother like this, sleeping peacefully. A long time since Alec had been pass-out drunk, too

Jace sighed, grabbing a dustpan from from the closet. He gathered the glass as quietly as possible, throwing the pieces away. He cleaned up the discarded bottles. Once finished, he returned to his sleeping brother. He placed a gentle hand on his shoulder, shaking him lightly. "Hey, Alec? Sleeping like this can't be good for you back." Alec grumbled incoherently. "I know, I know. Come on." Jace slowly helped Alec into a sitting position, slinging Alec's arm over his shoulders. "One... two...  _three_ ," Jace said, hefting him to his feet.

Alec groaned. "I hate you," he mumbled.

"I know, Alec. You'll get to go back to sleep soon," he reassured, guiding Alec towards his room.

Alec practically collapsed onto his bed, his face in his pillow. Jace rubbed soothing circles into his shoulder blades. "You're okay, go to sleep now," he encouraged.

Jace stalled his hand, quietly moving away. Alec's hand shot out, grabbing his wrist before he could turn.

"Wait," Alec grumbled. Jace sat on the edge of the bed, waiting as Alec rolled over, clumsily pushing himself up. He patted Jace's hand. "I need... to tell you something."

Jace gave a wry grin. "Tell me when you're sober."

"No! I need to tell you  _now_ ," Alec insisted. Jace could see the tears forming in his eyes. Alec looked down, his free hand bunching in the sheets. His eyes narrowed and he sucked in a deep breath. Jace tensed. "I... I'm gay," Alec whispered.

Jace bit the inside of his cheek, holding in his laughter. He knew Alec didn't need to be laughed at right now.

Alec pulled his hands into his lap, curling his fingers. "I know. It's disgusting."

Jace sighed, forcing Alec's hands to open, prying his fingers away from his palms. "Alec, look at me." He lifted his head, his eyes red and puffy. " _Nothing_  about you is disgusting, okay?  _Nothing._  You are the most brave man I've ever met. Strong and selfless and ridiculously handsome—you didn't hear that from me. We love you, Alec. I don't  _care_  if you like guys. All I care about is if you can find someone who deserves you, who appreciates  _you_. Who loves you. That's all any of us can hope for you," Jace said softly.

Something in Alec cracked then, Jace could see it in his face. Alec's shoulders shook with the force of his tears, his arms wrapping around himself. Jace pulled his brother into his arms, pressing Alec's face into his neck, holding him there.

"It's okay, Alec. It's okay," Jace murmured.

Alec's hands balled in Jace's shirt. "I'm sorry," he breathed, sniffing.

Jace tightened his grip. "You have absolutely  _nothing_  to apologize for."

"I-I'm s-sorry," he cried again.

Jace felt a single tear slip down his cheek.

***

A pounding in his head startled Alec awake. He groaned, a putrid taste coating his tongue. Guilt slammed into his stomach. He had broken his promise, a promise he made to  _himself._   _He_  never wanted to be that way again, dependent on a toxic beverage. He  _hurt_  people; it was why he  _stopped_  the drinking.

He groaned, slowly lifting his eyelids, warm light flooded into his room, burning his retinas. He blinked rapidly, noticing the pills and bottle of water on his nightstand. Shame flooded into him, knowing that Jace must have seen him like this; an absolute disaster.

Alec downed the pills, his stomach rumbling.

There was a soft knock on the door and Jace pushed it open. "Hey, Alec," he whispered. "How're you feeling?"

Alec gave him a blank look. "Like I was ran over by a train, twice." Jace chuckled and Alec flinched. "Not so loud," he hissed.

Jace shifted awkwardly, sitting on the bed, his hands clasped together. He raised an eyebrow. "What... uh... what do you remember from last night?"

Alec propped himself up on his pillows, dragging a heavy hand through his hair. "I remember crying," he answered thickly.

Jace swallowed. "I'm going to tell you what happened," he said softly. "All I need you to do is breathe, okay?"

Alec's hands started to shake. "What did—what did I do?" he gasped. Jace scooted closer, taking one of Alec's hands and pressing it against his chest, offering Alec the strength of a steady heartbeat.

Jace leveled him with a firm look. "We love you. I know that it isn't a choice and I know that it  _terrifies_ you. I understand, Alec, I do. This changes nothing between us. Not even a little bit."

Alec could feel his heart drop into his stomach, his shoulders slumping. "What?" he croaked. Jace's pulse was constant, never spiking, his chest firm beneath Alec's hand. Alec took a deep breath, inhaling the smell of whatever Jace was cooking in the kitchen. The blankets around his knees were warm, soft to the touch. He closed his eyes, bracing himself.

Jace sighed. "Last night, you told me that you're gay."

Alec stiffened. "I'm not. Why would you—"

" _Alec_ , breathe. In... out... There you go. Listen, we don't care. Society is fucked, we both know that. But being  _gay_  doesn't make you a monster, it doesn't make you disgusting. Being gay makes you a man who loves men. And it's  _fine_. You're always going to be Alec Lightwood, my emotionally constipated big brother," he said in one long rush, flashing Alec a wide grin.

Alec's chest felt like it was going to explode. He clutched at it with his free hand, focusing on Jace's heartbeat, willing his own to mimic its beat. "I don't think emotional constipation is a thing," Alec pushed through tight lungs.

Jace snorted. "It most definitely  _is_. Have you seen yourself?"

Alec let his hands fall, resting them in his lap, his eyes dropping. "You really don't care?" he asked softly. "How can you  _not care?_ "

Jace cleared his throat, slapping a hand onto Alec's shoulder. "I hate to break it to you, bud, but I've known since, like, middle school."

Alec's cheeks burned. "And you never said anything?"

Jace shrugged sheepishly. "I knew you'd tell me when you were ready."

"Thank you, Jace," Alec croaked.

"I love you, Alec," Jace replied solemnly.

Alec chuckled, wincing at the pounding in his head. "Love you, too."

Jace sighed, rubbing at the back of his neck. "It's possible that you—uh—drunk dialed some people."

Alec held his hands in his head. "What people?"

"Well, I checked your phone. Your most recent calls were to Magnus and Mom."

" _Shit._  What did I say to Mom?" Alec asked hastily, rubbing at his face. Magnus's name

caused Alec's heart to sputter.

"She won't tell me," Jace admitted.

Something about that didn't make sense. "What?"

"She's in the living room."

" _Shit!_ "

***

Maryse rubbed at the back of her hand, massaging her worry into her skin. Had she truly been such a horrible mother? Had she somehow convinced Alec that she  _hated_  him? She didn't think it was possible. How can a mother hate their own child?

She pressed a hand against her heart, waiting for Alec. Jace had disappeared into his room several minutes ago and every minute she waited was torture.

Jace walked into the living room, a hand in his pocket. "I'm going to go out for a bit, to give you some time."

Maryse sighed gratefully. "Thank you."

Jace grinned, grabbing his keys as he left.

Alec surfaced, shuffling into view. His hazel eyes flickered rapidly around the room, at everything but Maryse. She cleared her throat. "Would you like to eat? I made us some pancakes."

Alec grinned wryly. "Here I was, thinking Jace  _cooked_ ," he said awkwardly, attempting at humor.

Maryse smiled and stood, disappearing into the kitchen, Alec trailing after her. She poured coffee into a mug, placing it on the table in front of Alec, along with a plate of chocolate chip pancakes, like Maryse used to make for them when they were children.

She sat across from him, taking a sip of her coffee. "Rough night?" she asked softly, her eyes downcast.

He cleared his throat. "It... yeah. I just—I needed a break," he admitted.

Maryse reached out, covering one of his hands with her own. "That's understandable, Alec. Everyone needs some time for themselves. Do you... do you remember calling me?"

Alec shook his head, his shoulders sagging. "No, but Jace said I did."

Maryse nodded, staring at her beautiful son. "You said that I hated you."

Alec flinched, sucking in a sharp breath. "I—I—"

"I'm so proud of you," Maryse said, cutting him off. "I'm so  _proud_ , Alec, of the man you've become. Strong, independent, compassionate. You are  _everything_  I ever wanted. You are free to love whoever you want, my son. As long as  _you_  are happy, nothing else matters."

Alec's shoulders shook and he bowed his head. Maryse pushed away from the table, moving around it to gather her son in her arms. She stroked his hair as he cried. "I know, my boy. I love you so much."

"Can you invite Max and Izzy over please," he asked, his voice cracking.

"Of course."

***

Magnus shuffled the papers on his desk, sluggishly looking over the financial statements, demanded supplies lists, and the delivery schedules. The club had picked up its rates over the past week and a half and now he was drowning in paperwork. Parties needed to be planned and Magnus's patience was running thin.

He wanted to blame it on his lack of action at  _BlackHeart_ ; Izzy's been so busy with her upcoming wedding that she hasn't scheduled Magnus for any more shoots. He wanted to blame it on Ragnor who had been  _no_  help  _at all_  with  _anything_  since Magnus came back to work. He wanted to blame his restlessness on anything but that damn message Alec had left on his phone.

Alec had been  _drunk_  when he said those things that sent annoying butterflies into Magnus's stomach. And a drunk man's words were his sober thoughts.

His house was so empty these days, without Alec there to keep him company. He had gotten used to Alec's presence, so comfortable with that man. He could remember Alec's strong arms wrapped around him, his soft lips and his scruff against Magnus's skin.

_God_.

Magnus shook his head, taking a sip of his bourbon. He just wanted to see Alec. Was that too much to wish for?

Raphael barged into his office. "We have a problem."

Magnus huffed, pushing back from his desk. "Don't we always?"

Raphael paled, swallowing. "Camille is downstairs."

Magnus heart stuttered, sinking to his stomach. His mouth was suddenly dry. "I thought she was in prison."

Raphael shook his head. "She was awaiting trial but the court dropped her charges."

"That's not possible. They wouldn't  _just_ —"

"They would if they were all in Valentine's back pocket," Raphael replied grimmly.

Magnus stood, straightening his loose shirt, fiddling with the rings on his fingers. "Let's go get rid of her then."

Camille was dressed in a tight black dress, her dark hair cascading down her back. She had a charming smile on her face as she pressed herself against some random man. She caught sight of Magnus, who had frozen at the base of the stairs. She sent him a wink and Magnus swallowed back bile.

Magnus straightened his spine, steeling himself. He strolled forward, Raphael returning to behind the bar. "Camille, darling," Magnus greeted. "How has the criminal life been treating you?"

Camille smiled prettily. "I'm so glad you asked. I've made quite a few friends now. They  _adore_  me and will do whatever I  _want_."

"What  _is_  it that you want, Camille? To gloat that you were arrested for dealing? That you had to  _buy_  your friends?" Magnus drawled, raising an eyebrow.

"I want to make your life  _miserable_. Your father played me.  _He_  was the one that sold me out. He didn't like that I was working with the Circle. He underestimated my value," Camille snarled, flipping her hair over her shoulder.

"You've already made my life miserable, Camille," Magnus sighed. "You need to leave."

She smiled, tilting her head. "I broke your heart about a month ago. And yet you seem so... collected. That doesn't sound like misery to me."

"I found someone better," Magnus snapped. "You need to leave."

"Better?" she drawled. "I didn't think that was possible. Who would want suicidal trash?"

"Get. Out!" Magnus shouted.

She sent him one final wink before slinking through the crowd.

"Are you alright?" Raphael asked as Magnus leaned against the bar.

"I need a shot," he grumbled.

"You got it."

***

"How's it going in here?" Cat asked, popping her head into the rehabilitation room.

Alec sighed in relief; the session was almost over. "I can walk up stairs without breaking a sweat."

Cat grinned. "That's wonderful, Alec. I think I can clear you for work now," she said, flipping through his chart. His physical therapist busied himself with putting the stretching equipment away.

Alec grimaced. "I don't think that's necessary."

Cat frowned, glancing up at him. "Why not?"

Alec scratch at the back of his head. "I think I'm going to resign."

Concern flashed through her dark eyes. "Oh? What are you going to do instead?"

Alec hesitated. "I... I don't know."

Cat nodded, the frown still on her face. "I'm still going to clear you, but it doesn't mean you  _have_  to go back to work. I recommend you still have Jace drive you long distances, but you should be fine within the city limits."

"Thank you, Cat," he said quietly.

"I think you should talk to Magnus," she commented.

Alec grunted. "That's none of your business."

"As your  _friend_ , I think you should give him a chance."

***

"Are you sure about this?" Jace asked, raising an eyebrow.

Alec swallowed. "Not even a little bit," he said, stepping out of the car.

"I'll be back in an hour," Jace said as Alec closed the car door. He approached the front door, rubbing at his temple before ringing the doorbell.

The door swung open. "Alec?" Magnus breathed.

Alec dipped his head. "I... uh... Can I come in?"

Magnus's brown eyes were wide, his lips parted in astonishment. "Of course." He opened the door more and Alec slipped by him. Church and Chairman immediately weaved around his ankles. He bent down to stroke along their spines in greeting.

"Would you like something to drink?" Magnus asked quietly.

Alec straightened. "No, thank you," he said, oddly formal.

Magnus led him to the living room, sitting on the couch, Alec in the armchair. Magnus crossed his legs, his fingers playing with the rings that adorned them.

"I wanted to apologize," Alec said. He sighed, looking down at Magnus's hands. "I acted like such an ass. I know that you had your reasons for not telling me about your father. I just... I had hoped that you... that you  _trusted_  me enough to tell me."

"I  _do_  trust you, Alexander. I worried that..." Magnus trailed off, waving a hand in the air.

"Worried that what?" Alec pressed.

"I worried that you would look at me the way you are now," he admitted.

Alec stalled. "How? How am I looking at you?"

Magnus lifted his head and their eyes clashed. "Like you don't recognize me. Asmodeus doesn't  _define_  me, he doesn't make me something I'm not. But when people hear that I'm the son of the Edomites' leader, they think I'm a monster." He laughed derisively.

Alec sighed, rubbing at his palm. "You're not a monster, Magnus. I could never think of you like that. I reacted as I did because it  _scared_  me.  _You_  scared me. You could've  _died_  because I didn't know about Asmodeus. You  _could've died!_  Because I didn't know what I was supposed to be protecting you from!" Alec snorted. "And I wasn't even  _there_."

Magnus stood, curling his fingers into fists. "You almost  _did_ die, Alec! I watched as Lilith shot you in the back, I saw the hopelessness in your eyes as you fell. I-I thought I lost you."

Alec scoffed, standing to tower over him. "It shouldn't  _matter_  to you. I shouldn't matter! Don't you get that? I am the cop who was supposed to protect you, that's  _it_!

He stumbled backward a step. "You really believe we're a problem, don't you?" Magnus breathed. "When Jace came over, freaking out about Clary, he got side tracked talking about  _us_. You told him to focus on  _his_  problem, implying that  _we_  were a  _problem_. And you really believe that?"

Alec was left speechless, his mouth opening and closing as he searched for the right words. He waved a hand in the air. "I didn't come here to yell at you. I came here to let you explain about Asmodeus."

Magnus sighed, collapsing back onto the couch. Alec settled into the armchair, his heart racing. "You already know he was abusive, and now you know that he's the leader of the Edomites. What else is there?"

"Why did he kidnap you?" Alec asked, his voice pitched low.

"He wanted me to join him, Alec. The man's consumed by the idea that he rules the bad parts of every major city. He wanted  _me_  to take over once he passes so that his name will be carried on. He's asked before, when I was sixteen. That was when I ran away and that was how I ended up  _here_ ," Magnus said distantly, his eyes vacant.

"That's it?" Alec asked, raising an eyebrow.

Magnus gave a weak grin. "What did you think? He wanted me to murder babies?"

"And then he just  _left_?"

"He  _left_  because he decided I wasn't worth it. I was  _too weak_. He's probably looking for someone else to  _groom_ ," Magnus drawled.

Alec held his head in his hands. "God. I am such an  _ass_."

Magnus chuckled. "At least you admit it. Can we talk about the other thing now?"

Alec ran a finger along his stubble. "Yes, I thought we were a problem."

"Thought? As in past tense," Magnus said, lifting an eyebrow.

"I came out to my family," Alec rumbled. He laughed at himself, shaking his head. "Apparently, I'm the only one who has a problem with it."

"It?"

"Being gay," Alec huffed. "I thought something was ah... wrong with me? Because I didn't like Lydia the way everyone thought I should."

"And now?" Magnus asked quietly.

"They didn't  _care_ , Magnus. They didn't care at  _all_ ," Alec admitted. He finally met Magnus's warm gaze. "We're doing this wrong, you know that, right?"

"Oh?" he said with a smile. "How so?"

Alec grinned, dropping his eyes to his hands. "I wasn't supposed to meet you during a murder investigation. I wasn't supposed to  _live with you_ because I was your bodyguard. I was supposed to meet a devastatingly handsome model while going to visit Izzy at work. You would've given me your number and I would've freaked out because how could someone so attractive want a mess of a man like me? But I would've called anyway and we would've gone to get coffee."

"Would you? Have called, I mean?" Magnus asked softly.

"I like to think I would have," Alec told him.

Magnus shook his head, laughing under his breath. "You  _wouldn't_. You  _still_  haven't called me!"

Alec pretended to be offended. "I  _have_."

Magnus smiled at him and Alec's heart skipped a beat, his breath  _whooshing_  from his lungs. "You were wasted, Alexander. I don't think that counts."

Shame poured through him all over again and he shifted. "I... uh. I relapsed, but I haven't had a drink since."

Magnus nodded. "That's okay, Alec. It happens." Alec gave a small smile at that. "I have to ask, do you remember the message you left me?" Alec shook his head, dread settling in his stomach.

Magnus scrolled through his phone, amusement dancing in his eyes.

_"Hey, Magnus. I... I know that... Ah... You have really pretty eyes. Brown but_ brown _, you know? And you're a model. Like a_ really  _HOT model. I appreciate that, a lot. I wanted you to know that I appreciate that. I appreciate you too. I wanted to apolomize... amopolize... apologize. Geez, big word. Look, Mags, I'm_ really  _sorry for being an ass. You didn't deserve that. Also, I'm very drunk right now, so I guess I'm sorry for that too. Fuck, I fucked this up. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I'm going to hang up now. Yeah..."_

Alec's face was on fire. "Oh my  _God_ ," he breathed. "Magnus, I—"

Magnus laughed outright. "Don't worry, darling. It was adorable.  _Mags_ , huh? I kinda like the sound of that." Magnus stood, gesturing for Alec to do the same. "You said we did it the wrong way. Why don't we try it again?"

"What?" Alec breathed.

"Stand up, Alexander," Magnus pushed. He grumbled but stood, Magnus taking several steps closer to him. Magnus extended a ringed hand. Alec hesitated before taking it. "Hello, my name is Magnus Bane."

Alec's cheeks were still burning. "Alec."

Magnus grinned, tugging Alec's hand so that they were chest to chest. "Would you like to go out on a date with me, handsome?"

Alec couldn't  _breathe._ His pulse raced, his lips parting as he stared at the beautiful man in front of him. " _Yes."_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and Kudos!!


	10. Water Under the Bridge

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Camille *heavy sigh*

Alec took a deep breath as he walked into the precinct, his holster at his waist and badge clipped to his belt. His heart was heavy with what he knew he had to do. Alec wasn't sure he really  _wanted_  to resign. He didn't know what he would do with his life after. First, he was the son of two powerful politicians, trying to follow in their footsteps. Second, he was a cadet at West Point, then a soldier. Third, he was a city detective, solving murders. And now? He was going to be  _nothing_ , have no  _purpose._

He didn't know what he was supposed to do anymore.

Jace came into the reception area, two coffees in hand. He gave one to Alec, a pleased smile on his face. "It's good to have you back, Alec."

Alec grimaced. "I'm not here to stay."

Jace grinned like he knew something Alec didn't. "Maia is waiting for you."

Alec nodded and went into her office, Jace returning to his own. "Congratulations," he greeted, taking the armchair in front of her desk.

She smiled. "Thank you. I just wish I had earned it, rather than filling in after Luke screwed up."

Alec huffed. "That's putting it mildly."

Maia sighed, rubbing at her temple. "There's a rumor going around that you're resigning. I'd like you to reconsider."

"I don't know what I'm doing, Maia," he admitted. "I don't belong here. It wasn't even my idea to become a detective in the first place."

Maia fixed him with a stern look. "You are  _here_  because you want to help people, Alec. You've been doing it your entire adult life. Why stop now?"

"It doesn't feel right anymore," he said softly.

"I think you should talk to Jordan before you make a decision," Maia suggested. Her dark eyes were sincere and Alec felt his shoulders slump in defeat.

***

"What? Are you his boyfriend now or something?" Raphael asked as he wiped down the bar.   
Magnus snorted. "We haven't even gone on a date yet. I don't think we're anything at this point." And he  _hated_  it.

Raphael poured Magnus another drink, sliding it towards him. "We both know  _that_  isn't going to last long. I've seen the two of you together, brief as it may have been. You two are going to be in bed by the end of the week."

Magnus shook his head. "Don't you understand? I don't  _care_  about that. I just want Alexander to  _trust_  me. I want him to open up to me. I know about his family, his career, but I know almost  _nothing_  about his time in the military. I know it was important for him, I know it was  _terrible_ , but I don't know the whole story."

"If you want Alec to trust you,  _you_  need to tell him the truth. He doesn't know about Cat, does he?" Raphael pointed out not unkindly.

"I don't know how he'll react. It's... not something I like to talk about," he responded slowly.

"And that, my friend, is  _exactly_  way you need to tell him. On this first date of yours, don't take him to a fancy restaurant or some random bar. Taking him somewhere that  _means_  something to you," Raphael advised. Magnus sighed, dropping his head. His stomach twisted and bile rose in his throat, but he knew what he needed to do.

***

Alec stepped out of the elevator and sulked across the floor, entering Izzy's office. She was on the phone and gestured for him to take a seat. Several moments later, the call ended and her red lips stretched into a gorgeous smile.

"Alec! What are you doing here,  _hermano_?" she asked happily.

"I scheduled an appointment with Jordan," Alec croaked, wringing his fingers together.

Her dark eyes widened. "You mean... you're getting help?"

"I don't know what I'm doing anymore, Iz! I just... I can't keep living like this." Alec's eyes flicked around the room, his hands clenching into fists.

Izzy gave a small smile. "That's  _good_ , Alec. You can finally move forward from all of that. And we will help you as much as you need, okay?"

Alec met his gaze. "Thank you."

Her lips pursed. "You didn't come just to tell me about this, did you?"

Panic pulsed through Alec's body. "I'm meeting Magnus tonight for a... for a date."

She laughed, clapping her hands together. "You want my help! Perfect. I have this amazing suit that should be your size and I could have Emma style your hair. This is wonderful."

"Whoa, Iz, slow down. It's not that kind of date. Magnus said to dress casual," Alec rushed out, interrupting her fantasy.

She scrutinized his apparel. "Please tell me you aren't wearing  _that_?"

Alec shifted. "I was going to change into a blue button up," he muttered.

She made a nose of approval in the back of her throat. "Are you getting him flowers?"

Alec snorted then gasped as the idea hit him. "Am I supposed to get him flowers? Do guys get flowers for other guys or is that weird? How does this even work? Who pays for the check if we eat out or... or..."

Izzy giggled. "Breathe,  _hermano_. Flowers first. Don't worry about what you  _should_  do. Does Magnus like flowers?"

Alec considered it, remembering the vases all around his mansion. "I think so."

"Good. Then get him flowers, something simple. Maybe a rose or two?"

Alec nodded, fiddling with the zipper of his jacket. "And the check?"

Izzy almost seemed stumped by this one. "Well, if he's the one who instigated the date he should be the one to pay for it. And I mean, he  _is_  really rich so I doubt it'll matter to him."

"I don't know how to do this," Alec realized. "Lydia and I never really dated, we just hung out a lot."

Izzy shook her head. "You didn't have feelings for Lydia. Just be yourself. I've seen how the two of you are." Something sad found its way into her eyes. "He cried for you, did you know that?"

"What?" Alec breathed.

"When you were in the hospital, he came everyday and cried for you, holding your hand and begging you to wake up. He was  _destroyed_ , Alec. He was sleep-deprived and hungover for those days after you woke up and you  _ignored_ him. He's willing to  _try_  for you, Alec. Just be yourself, that's all he wants," Izzy said slowly.

"Oh..."

***

The doorbell rang and Magnus jumped, nearly knocking over his coffee as he raced—with dignity—towards the door. He pulled it open, a charming smile on his face. His lips parted. Alec stood with his hands behind his back, his blue button up tight against his chest, the top button undone. His sleeves were rolled up, showing off his toned forearms and firm muscles. Magnus stood like a fool, gaping; he hadn't known that Alec owned anything that wasn't  _black_.

Alec cleared his throat and Magnus dragged his eyes up his body. There was a slight blush on Alec's cheeks, his lips quirking into a small smile. "I uh... I got you something."

He moved his hands from behind his back, offering a single red rose. A light gasp escaped from Magnus and he accepted it gingerly. "It's beautiful, Alexander." Magnus turned his back, trying to catch his breath, and moved into the kitchen, Alec lingering in the doorway. He grabbed a small vase from under the sink, filling it with water before placing it in the island, the single flower inside.

Magnus returned to Alec, retrieving his keys from the hook next to the door.

Alec huffed a laugh. "I'm driving."

Magnus raised a brow but conceded, sliding his house key into his pocket, leaving the key to his car behind.

"Where are we going?" Alec asked as they settled into his car—it wasn't a cruiser, much to Magnus's surprise.

"The Brooklyn Bridge," Magnus breathed.

Alec frowned but nodded. The ride was silent, tense. Alec gave him worried looks as they drew nearer to their destination. "Is something wrong?"

Magnus placed a hand on Alec's thigh, squeezing lightly in reassurance. "Not at all." Alec's cheeks were painted a beautiful red. After a moment, Alec dropped his hand to cover Magnus's, fiddling with one of his rings.

Alec pulled over just prior to entering the bridge, parking. Magus took a deep breath, getting out of the car, Alec following him. Magnus entwined his fingers with Alec's, tugging him forward. They walked halfway across the bridge before halting.

"Why did you bring me here?" Alec asked, his voice low and husky, laced with something Magnus couldn't decipher.

Magnus sighed, letting their hands fall from each other. Magnus braced himself against the railing, staring down at the water. "I lied to you, Alexander," he admitted at last, glancing at the other man. A coldness settled in Alec's hazel eyes and Magnus grabbed his arm. "Wait, please." His voice cracked. "I told you that I was going to jump off a bridge and that the thought of what my mother would've wanted stopped me. I-I wasn't stopped that night, I just learned that jumping off a bridge doesn't kill you right away. It— _God_ , it hurt like hell and it was so  _cold_. Ragnor and Raphael had been the ones to pull me out of the water. I had—I had called Ragnor right before, wishing that he would talk me out of it. He didn't answer so I said my goodbyes to his voicemail. Cat... Cat saved my life, if it wasn't for her, I... I probably would've tried again, tried something different. I'm a mess, Alexander. And this—this do-over—isn't going to work if you think you're the only one struggling. Because you are  _not_."

Alec shifted and Magnus could see the tears forming in his eyes. "Little heavy for a first date, don't you think?" Alec said awkwardly.

Magnus flushed, his hands beginning to shake. He tightened his grip on the railing. "I-I guess you're right. I shouldn't have—"

"No,  _you're_ right," he interrupted. "This isn't going to work."

Magnus jolted, turning towards him, his breath caught in chest. "What?"

"This do-over isn't going to work," Alec said slowly. "Because I would  _never_ do this on a first date with a guy I barely know."

Magnus's lips parted as Aelc roughly grabbed the collar of his jacket, pulling him forward. Their lips crashed together, desperation and need pulsing in between them. Alec moved his hands, cupping Magnus's face. They were cold to the touch and yet heat speared through Magnus. He sighed, running his hands along Alec's sides, slipping them under the hem of his shirt. Magnus pulled him closer and Alec hissed, breaking the kiss as violently as it had started.

Magnus rested his forehead against Alec's, both breathing heavily. "What is it?"

Alec closed his eyes, his dark lashes fluttering against pale skin. "Nothing," he pants.

Magnus wasn't sure he was telling the truth, but Magnus's head was too muddled, the residual feeling of Alec's soft lips pressed against his leaving his mind empty. He chuckled softly. "You know, Alexander, our first date doesn't end like this. As much as I'm enjoying it, we have a dinner reservation."

***

Soft Italian music played in the background, murmuring voices all around them. Alec stared at the menu, desperately wishing he had taken Italian instead of Spanish in high school. There were so many grand options, all of which Alec had no idea what is was. His eyes scanned, finally spotting something he was familiar with. A man in a tuxedo approached their table, a wine bottle in hand.

"Good evening, Signori," he greeted, a pleasant smile on his face. He made a move to fill Magnus's glass but Magnus stopped him. Alec cut him a glance and Magnus winked, causing blood to rise in his cheeks.

Magnus turned his attention to the waiter. "No need for that tonight," he said politely.

The waiter dipped his head. "As you wish, Mr. Bane. Are you ready to order?"

Magnus ordered something nonsensical and musical sounding whereas Alec ordered basic chicken Parmesan. Alec felt only  _slightly_  out of his element. But he was with Magnus, so it didn't bother him as much as it normally would've.

Magnus rested his chin on his hand, leaning closer. "Let's make a deal. No talk of murder or near death experiences or messed up families."

Alec couldn't keep the grin from his face. "Sounds reasonable. I'm afraid I have nothing else to talk about then."

Magnus's beautiful eyes glimmered. "Oh, I doubt that."

Alec shrugged, self-deprecating. "What do you want to know?" His heart raced as Magnus considered, his eyes fluttering.

He hummed quietly under his breath. "What's your favorite color? I don't think I can be seen in public with you if you say black."

Alec snorted. "Really? Are we in middle school?"

Magnus sighed, his eyes widening in mock-panic. "Evasion. It  _is_ black, isn't it?"

"Blue," Alec corrected.

Magnus looked genuinely curious when he asked, "Why is that?"

He shrugged again. "I've always liked the ocean but have never really gotten the chance to enjoy it."

Magnus nodded gravely. "I'll put that on the list."

Alec raised an eyebrow. "What list?"

Magnus blushed and Alec was intrigued. "Of all the places I want to show you."

Alec heart suddenly sank into his stomach. "Was the bridge on the list?"

Magnus's eyes darted away. "It wasn't until Raphael suggested it."

"Thank you for telling me," Alec whispered, reaching across the table to cover Magnus's hand with his own. "I know we weren't going to talk about it, but... but I  _need_  to Magnus."

"I understand, Alexander. I shouldn't have just dumped that on you," he said, sounding defeated.

Alec squeezed his hand and Magnus peeked up at him. "That's how these things are supposed to work. We're supposed to  _share_. I realize that we've both been pretty terrible at it but I want that to change."

Magnus gave a small smile. "I want that to change too. I thought that taking you to the bridge would... would either scare you away or...  _not_. I wanted to get it over with if you decided you didn't want me because of... all that."

Alec snorted. "I've seen a lot of shit, Magnus. I've  _lived_  through it. I can handle anything you throw at me." Alec's heart lifted and all he wanted to do what pull Magnus into his arms, to reassure him that Alec wasn't planning on going anywhere anytime soon.

He knew they were taking things fast—maybe not  _that_  fast but fast enough—but it felt  _right_  to be here with him. Life was heartbreakingly short and Alec was tired of wasting it.

Magnus straightened, yanking his hand free. His eyes flicked to the side, his face settling into an eerie mask of nothingness. "You may have spoken too soon."

Alec glanced over his shoulder, his own face hardening;  _Camille_. Alec tensed, his hands balling to fists as the brunette sauntered over. She placed a manicured hand on Magnus shoulder and Alec sucked in a breath.

"Magnus, it's so strange to see you here again. I thought you had sworn to never return here," Camille drawled, ignoring Alec completely.

Magnus smiled but it held no warmth. "Like I would just abandon my favorite restaurant. I'm sorry, Camille, but you didn't win the place in the breakup."

"I can see that." Camille eyes shifted to Alec, her tongue wetting her red lips as she stared. " _Alexander Lightwood_ ," she snarled. "I see the murderer's found another victim. Going to kill Magnus too? I've heard so much about your  _adventures_. Unarmed and a  _child_ , you really did become cold after West Point. It's no wonder that Lydia realized what a coward you are. She came running to me, begging me to  _help_  her. Politicians are such horrendous parasites. She wanted my  _connections._  Valentine was impressed when I brought her to him. Apparently, she knew  _a lot_  about the returned hero."

"Bullshit," Alec spat. "I never told Lydia anything."

Camille laughed delicately. "You didn't need to. Some of Valentine's lackies broke into Jordan's office after she told us where it was. Your file was incredibly  _thick_."

Magnus sighed. "What do you  _want_ , Camille?"

Camille's dead eyes roamed over to him. "That question again? Didn't you hear me the first time? I'm going to ruin your precious life and the  _detective_  over here won't be able to do a damn thing. You think you're safe because Asmodeus scuttled out of town? Well you're  _wrong_." She smiled and sauntered away.

Alec swallowed, his mouth suddenly dry. "I'm not hungry anymore," he said distantly.

"We don't we head back to my place?" Magnus suggested, his voice unsteady.

Alec gave him a weak smile. "I think we have some things to discuss."

Magnus snorted. "Of course we do."

Alec stood, offering his hand to Magnus. Magnus's eyes widened but he grasped it, interlocking their fingers.

***

They talked for hours. About  _all_  of it. Magnus told Alec about the true extent of his childhood of horrors and Alec told him about the horrors of war and the joy of West Point. One story after another after another.

Alec had expected to feel strained, expected for a weight to settle between them. Instead, it felt as if everything suddenly made sense. This  _thing_  in his chest was growing and Alec was too terrified to acknowledge it for what it was.

Magnus explained about Camille, about the downfall of their on/off relationship. He admitted that he had fallen out of love with her long before they broke it off. He spent those months near the end in a haze of depression because Camille was toxic, sucking the very life out of him.

Alec explained how he truly believed he was in love with Lydia in the beginning, but slowly began to realize that the  _love_  was the same he felt towards Izzy and Jace. That he wasn't  _in_  love with her. He explained the guilt he felt after he returned home, leading her on, knowing that he would never be able to marry her.

They talked about it all. Love and hate and family and grief and guilt and blame.

Alec felt unbelievably  _free_  when the talking settled into an exhausted silence. His arm was wrapped around Magnus's shoulder, Magnus's head laying on his chest.

"You're amazing," Magnus mumbled.

Alec's face burst into flames. "I think you're pretty amazing too," he murmured in response.

Magnus pulled back with a content sigh. "Can I ask you a question?" Hazel eyes met chocolate ones.

"Yes, Magnus, I  _am_  gay, believe it or not," Alec deadpanned.

Magnus chuckled breathily. "I  _do_  believe it." He cleared his throat, his face becoming serious. "Alexander Lightwood, would you do me the honor of being my boyfriend?" he asked softly.

Alec stopped breathing, his heart halting in his chest. His eyes widened. "I... I—Are you sure you... want that?"

Magnus's face split into a wide grin. "Definitely."

Alec blushed, shrugging. "I wouldn't mind it either," he said slyly.

Magnus laughed and lifted his head, slotting their lips together. They moved in a steady rhythm, slow and comforting. Magnus pulled away, burying his head in Alec's shoulder. Alec drew little designs on Magnus's shoulder.

Alec tilted his head back against the couch, closing his eyes as he held the man he...as he held Magnus Bane, his  _first_  boyfriend. Elation bubbled in his chest and all he wanted to do was call Izzy.

But he didn't. He wished to stay in that moment forever, in the blissful quiet. It didn't take long for Magnus's breathing to deepen with sleep.

Alec brushed a gentle kiss to Magnus's forehead.

He should've known it wouldn't last. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comment and Kudos!! This is the last of the pre-written chapters. And with my final exams coming up, it might be awhile before I post again... sorry about that. BUT THIS STORY IS NOT OVER.


	11. It's (Not) Okay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mental health is something that many people struggle with. And sometimes, it negatively effects the people around you. Alec is beginning to realize this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was really hard for me to write. Also, it's quite a bit shorter than the other chapters (I apologize for that) but I'm hoping quality makes up for quantity in this case.

“It’s nice to see you, Alec,” Jordan greeted, brushing long strands of brown hair out of his face. He sat in a pristine, dark suit, his laptop poised on his lap, dark eyes scanned Alec, his fingers clattering against the keys. Alec had shown up a half hour late. Jordan didn’t seem to mind, he was probably surprised that Alec showed up at all. 

Alec massaged his palm, his nails biting. “My file is missing,” he said curtly. “Why did you have a physical file if everything is on your computer?”

Jordan sighed. “We have physical files on everyone, backups of sorts.”

Alec’s eyes flitted around the room. The walls were adorned in reassuring quotes and Jordan’s qualifications. Light poured in from the skylight, a soft fan whirring in the corner. The rug beneath his feet was a dull grey, a shade lighter than his shirt. “How were they able to get my file?”

“We already filled out a report for the police. I didn’t realize that break-ins and theft was your division,” Jordan quipped.

Alec grunted. “I might not  _ have _ a division soon,” he muttered bitterly.

Jordan made a noise in the back of his throat. “Maia told me about your resignation. Why don’t you explain why you need to quit?”

Alec slumped further into the plush couch, his arms crossed over his chest, eyes trained on the clock, watching as seconds slowly went by. “I’m just… I’m  _ tired _ .”

“Tired of what?”

“Everything,” he said thickly, realizing right then how true that word was. 

Jordan’s lips subtly turned downward. “How long have you been feeling like this?”

Alec stared at his hands, watching as his nails formed crescent moons in his palms. How long? Long enough that Alec couldn’t remember what it was like to be truly awake? When had he last felt  _ alive _ ? 

That last one had an easy answer; when Magnus’s lips were pressed against his own, when the warmth of his body penetrated Alec’s clothes and made him feel  _ safe _ . They had last seen each other a few nights ago, the night of the bridge. A shiver slid down Alec’s spine at the thought of Magnus—his  _ boyfriend _ —standing on the metal railing. 

He felt awake when bullets were flying past him, when sweat created trails down his face, the sounds of a raging war ringing in his ears. When the cold-calm of a soldier filled him, pushing aside any other instinct of humanity that wasn’t directly related to survival.

He knew that wasn’t what Jordan meant. 

His head was a mess full of chopped up dreams and red memories. His mind was a monster, fighting against him as he walked through life. He didn’t know what to call it, the feeling in his stomach. He just knew it wasn’t supposed to  _ be  _ there.

Much like how he wasn’t supposed to be  _ here _ , in Jordan’s dreary office. He didn’t need help. He needed  _ purpose _ . And the police force  _ wasn’t enough _ .

He didn’t think anything would be.

And it terrified him.

“Alec?” Jordan prodded gently.

His head snapped up. “What?”

“I asked how long you’ve felt tired?” Jordan’s voice was quiet, patient, tinted with an accent that must have driven Maia mad. 

He shrugged helplessly. “Long enough.”

“That isn’t an answer.”

He shrugged again. “I don’t know.”

Jordan nodded, making a soft humming noise as his fingers flew across the keyboard. “How have the nightmares been?”

“The same,” Alec muttered.

Jordan bit his lip. “Jace seems to think they’ve gotten worse? Would you say that’s true?”

Alec crossed his arms, his fingers pressing against his biceps hard enough to leave bruises. “Why did he say that?”

“He informed me that you are often violent when startled out of a dream.”

He hadn’t  _ meant _ to pushed Magnus away. He didn’t mean to slam Jace into the wall. “It was one time.”

Jordan’s rich brown eyes pinned him with a look. “I think we both know that isn’t true. Why do you think they’ve gotten worse?”

“Maybe because I found out that a soldier under  _ my _ command orchestrated the deaths of  _ my entire unit _ ? Maybe because that same man is currently stalking my brother’s girlfriend? Or maybe it’s because the man I— _ my  _  boyfriend is being threatened by some psychotic  _ bitch _ who seems to know who stole my  _ goddamn file _ . Oh? Or maybe it’s because my boyfriend’s father is the fucking leader of a  _ gang _ ? Take your fucking pick!” 

Jordan appeared unimpressed. “It seems like you’re under a lot of stress. However, I think the stress from work isn’t a reason to quit. We just need to find a way to channel that stress into something else.” 

Alec scoffed. “What? Like meditation? Or  _ yoga _ ? I don’t think so.”

Jordan sighed. “Consider it. I’ll email you a list of other methods of stress relief.”

Alec rolled his eyes, glancing at the clock; only fifteen more minutes. “You mentioned your boyfriend. Tell me a bit about what that’s like, after Lydia.”

Alec hesitated. “It’s wonderful.”

“Has the intimacy been a problem?”

He shifted uncomfortably. “I don’t know what you mean.”

Jordan huffed a low laugh. “You came into my office after being intimate with Lydia and had a breakdown. Since your latest injury, I can see how intimacy with your boyfriend may present some challenges.”

Alec shook his head. “We haven’t yet. I’m sure I’ll be fine.” The words left a bitter taste in his mouth. He  _ wasn’t _ going to be okay with it, but he  _ really _ didn’t want to talk to Jordan about it, not again. “Would you look at the time,” Alec mused, standing. Jordan closed his laptop and placed it on the coffee table.

“Same time next week?” he asked.

Alec didn’t respond as he walked through the door. 

***

Magnus was beginning to worry; it’s been three days and Alec hasn’t returned any of his calls. A ball of anxiety was forming in his stomach and he just wanted to make sure Alec was okay.

That was what he told himself, anyway, when he stood outside the door to Alec’s apartment. Magnus had called  _ Jace _ to ask for the address. 

He straightened his floral shirt and knocked. 

There was a grumbling sound, the dull metal knob jiggling. “Jace, how—” Alec stopped, his beautiful hazel eyes widening. His hair was bedraggled, standing up in random directions, scruff thick along his jaw. He looked exhausted, dark bruises under his eyes. He looked paler, too. The kind of pale that made Magnus’s heart ache, the kind that made it look as if Alec was dying. He had been so pale after he being shot, lying lifeless except for the steady rise and fall of his chest. His hand unbearably cold. 

“Hello, Alexander,” Magnus greeted softly. Alec opened the door wider, inviting Magnus in. He scanned the small living room, the armchairs and couch, the TV mounted on the wall. He caught a glimpse of the kitchen, the tiled floors and granite counter tops. 

“What are you doing here?” Alec asked. 

Magnus was slightly taken aback by his harsh tone. The door closed behind him and Magnus placed a gentle hand on his arm. “Is everything alright, darling?”

Alec rubbed his eyes and padded towards the couch, plopping down. “Yeah,” he breathed. 

Magnus sat down beside him, gently squeezing Alec’s thigh. “You can’t expect me to believe that.” Alec wouldn’t look at him. Magnus gently grabbed his shoulders, pulling him down so that his head rested in Magnus’s lap.

Magnus lightly threaded his ringed fingers through Alec’s hair, massaging his temple. Alec made a low sound in the back of his throat, his eyes fluttering shut. Alec balled a hand in Magnus’s shirt, his fingers cool against the line of skin they touched. “What’s going on, darling?” 

Alec sighed. “I had a therapy session with Jordan today,” he mumbled.

Magnus’s fingers froze and Alec tugged on his shirt in protest. “Oh?”

“He thinks I’m stressed.”

Magnus bit his lip to keep himself from laughing. “I would have to agree. Is this why you’ve been ignoring me? You were worried about the session?”

Alec’s breathing hitched. “I wasn’t ignoring you. I… I just—”

“It’s alright, Alexander. I understand,” Magnus reassured, moving his fingers once more. 

Alec’s eyes opened, hazel clashing against deep brown. “But you don’t. Because I haven’t told you.” He sounded destroyed and Magnus’s heart broke for him.

“You don’t have to tell me anything, not until you’re ready.”

“What if I never am?” he whispered, silver lining his eyes.

Magnus gave him a sad smile. “Then that’s okay, too.”

“It’s  _ not _ ,” Alec said fiercely. He released Magnus’s shirt, lifting his hand to drag a finger down Magnus’s cheek. “You deserve better than that.” He swallowed thickly. “I’m  _ ruined _ , Magnus, you shouldn’t want me.”

Magnus’s brows furrowed. “Mental health isn’t something we can control, it doesn’t  _ ruin _ a person. Besides, I have those issues too, we’ve talked about this.”

Alec’s face contorted with pain. “I meant… I meant physically.”

Magnus eyes widened in understanding. “We all have scars, Alexander. It’s not something to be ashamed of.” 

“Lydia didn’t seem to think so…”

“Lydia is a self-centered  _ bitch _ ,” Magnus snapped. Alec jolted in shock. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that.” 

“No, it’s okay. Do you mind me asking about what happened? Why you and Camille broke up?”

Magnus’s heart quivered. “I went over to Camille’s place and found a medical bill for an abortion. I…” Magnus voice cracked. “I thought the child was mine and that she didn’t tell me. But… but then she told me that it  _ wasn’t _ and that she had been seeing someone else for  _ months _ . I broke up with her and she told the press that I had forced her to terminate  _ our _ baby. Death threats began pouring in from there. Anyone who knew me knew the truth, but the press didn’t care.”

Magnus never told him that part, never told him about the possible baby. Even when they spent the night talking about their pasts, Magnus couldn’t bring himself to explain. 

“My God, Magnus,” Alec murmured. “If it was yours, would you have wanted to keep it?”

Magnus stared down at the most wonderful man he had ever met. “With the right person, I think I would.”

Alec’s lips curved upward. “I love you, Magnus.” 

Magnus’s breath caught in his chest. “I love you too.”

They stared at each other, smiles wide across their faces. 

It took several minutes before Alec broke the silence. “Do you want to watch a movie?”

“I’d love to.”

***

Jace came home that night from his date with Clary to find the lovebirds cuddling on the couch. Alec’s head was on Magnus’s chest, their arms wrapped around one another. He had never seen his brother look so peaceful.

He grinned, quietly closing the door. He slid his phone from his pocket and snapped a picture, texting it to Izzy with the caption;  _ they’re disgusting _ .

Izzy replied with those ridiculous heart eye emojis;  _ you’re just jealous _ . 

_ Am not _ .

Jace grabbed a blanket off the back of the couch and draped it over the pair. He grabbed a beer from the fridge before heading into his bedroom to watch some Game of Thrones on his laptop. He dozed off halfway through the episode, his exhaustion getting the best of him. 

He was startled awake by shouting.

He bolted into the living room to see Magnus pinned against the wall, Alec’s hands wrapped around his throat.

“Alexander!” Magnus choked out, smacking at his arms. 

Jace grabbed Alec’s shoulders, trying to pull him back but Alec wouldn’t budge. Magnus’s face was turning red, his eyes widening. “Alec!” Jace roared. Alec didn’t seem to notice him at all.

Jace swung, his fist colliding with Alec’s jaw. The taller man stumbled backward with a grunt, his hands dropping from Magnus. 

Magnus clutched at his throat, terror clouding his face. Jace shifted, moving in front of Magnus, watching as Alec blinked. His tongue ran over his bloodied lower lip, his hand pressing against his jaw.

Jace raised his hands in a defensive gesture, waiting for his brother to surface. 

Alec blinked again. “Jace?” he breathed, his voice scratchy. “Wha—” His hazel flicked over Jace’s shoulder, landing on Magnus. He stumbled back as if punched again. “ _ God. _ ” Horror and guilt contorted his face, agony filling his eyes. 

Jace didn’t know what to do. “Alec, it’s okay. We know you didn’t mean to,” he said softly, his voice uncertain. 

Alec stared at his hands, flexing his fingers. “You need to stop saying that.” His sounded empty, hollow, cold. He didn’t sound like Jace’s big brother. “It’s not okay. And everyone needs to stop saying that it is because it’s not.” Alec lifted his eyes to meet Jace’s. “I’m going away for a little while, probably a few weeks. Let the station know, I’m sure Maia will understand. I’m taking your car.”

Jace’s mouth dropped. “Alec? What do you mean? Where are you going?”

“Don’t call me. I won’t answer.” Alec spun on his heel, swiping his phone from the coffee table. He grabbed the keys from the bowl and opened the door.

“Be safe, Alexander,” Magnus croaked, his voice raw and broken.

Alec halted, glancing over his shoulder. His jaw was bright red, clenched. “I’m sorry.”

Jace stood frozen as Alec disappeared, the door slamming behind him. He turned to Magnus, guiding him towards the couch. “I’m going to get you some ice.”

***

The Brooklyn Bridge was quiet this time at night… this time in the morning. It was around three when Alec reached it. He parked, stepping out of the car.

He stared at the rushing water, his heart nothing more than a lump of burned out coal. He could’ve killed him. He could’ve killed the man he loved.

And that wasn’t  _ okay _ .

He walked to the railing, his fingers curling around the metal, his knuckles turning white. He wondered how Magnus must have felt as he hurtled through the air, slamming into the icy water. He wondered about the fear and desperation. He wondered why Magnus hadn’t tried something easier. 

Maybe Magnus really hadn’t wanted to die, just  _ thought _ he did. Maybe Magnus didn’t realize it wouldn’t kill him. 

But Alec could’ve killed him. 

He was a thief, stealing lives and hope and futures.

He was a murderer even without a gun in his hand, without war angry around him. 

Why was he so fucking  _ broken _ ? What had he done to deserve this? People make mistakes but Alec seemed to be cursed with them.

He frowned, his eyes trained on the black water. He could end it, end the pain, the hopelessness.

He could. But he wouldn’t. He had too much to live for, too many  _ people _ to live for. Blackthorn and Raj and Underhill and Izzy and Jace and Max and Maryse. He had  _ family _ , people that loved him even when they shouldn’t.

He could see it, the future. He could imagine a future with Magnus, one where children ran around them, noisy and messy and adorable. He could see the joy in Magnus’s face, he could imagine his own.

He wanted that future more than anything.

And he wouldn’t get it if he continued along as he was, broken and falling to pieces, violent and trapped in a past that wouldn’t let him go. 

He wanted to  _ live _ .

He pulled his phone out of his pocket.

“Hello?” a deep voice asked, groggy with sleep.

“I’m sorry for waking you,” Alec said slowly. “I almost killed Magnus tonight.”

“I’ll take the day off and Tess will, too. What time will you be here?”

“Soon.”

“I’ll leave the front door unlocked, let yourself in.” 

Alec disconnected the call and stared down at the water. He turned his back towards it and retreated to Jace’s car. 

It wasn’t okay now, but he’d make it okay… eventually. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please please please let me know what you think. I want to know if you like the direction the story is going (Even though you really have no idea at this point). I'm open to suggestions on what should happen or what you'd like to see happen.
> 
> Comment and Kudos!!


	12. Love Is Crazy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With Alec gone, Magnus is having a tough time. Hopefully it will get better? Or maybe the weight of the world will finally crush them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved writing this chapter! There's a new POV at the end that I hope you guys especially enjoy.
> 
> (I also started watching Lucifer on Netflix and am kinda in love with it; just saying)

Magnus strutted into the studio, Emma leaning over the vanity to organize the various makeup pallets. Christina, a women with sleek black hair and golden brown skin, was preparing the cameras, adjusting the lighting and such.

Izzy had given him a sympathetic look when he exited the elevator; Magnus wasn't having it. He didn't want  _sympathy_ , he wanted to forget that it had happened. Magnus fidgeted with the soft blue scarf around his neck.

"Morning, Magnus," Emma greeted cheerily, sweeping her pale blonde hair over her shoulder.

"Ready to look hot?" Christina joked, her voice thick with a Spanish accent.

Magnus struck a pose, a fist on his hip, his head tilted down, eyes smoldering. "I'm always hot." His voice was husky and he prayed they believed it was for show, not because it hurt to talk.

The laughter of the girls released the small bit of tension growing in his chest. He was  _exhausted_. He was unable to sleep after the... after Alec... Magnus shook his head to clear it, pushing aside the memory of Alec's blank eyes, the hazel without its light.

He coughed slightly as Emma grabbed his bicep, pulling him towards the stool. She sat him down, her lips pinching as she eyed the pallets. "I'm thinking gold," she said. "We're trying to highlight the goodness of all peoples in this issue," she explained, tapping her cheek. "What's gooder than gold?"

Christina snorted. " _Gooder_  isn't a word."

Emma rolled her eyes, flitting a hand through the air. "Whatever, you know what I mean." She picked up one of her brushes. "Highlighted cheeks, golden eye shadow; I think lipstick would be overkill, but pinkish gloss should do it. Let's get this out of the way," she said, pulling at Magnus's scarf.

It was gone before Magnus could stop her. She gasped, the scarf dropping. Her lower lip quivered and Magnus cringed, his eyes catching on the mirror.

Long fingers were pressed into his skin, purple and streaks of black, red around the edges. The grotesque colors caused his stomach to clench, bile burning the back of his throat. Tears streamed down his face and he dipped his head, angrily wiping them away with his hand.

"Magnus..." Emma started softly, her voice filled with horror.

"Emma? What is it?" Christina asked, her heels clicking against the tiled floor as she grew closer. " _Dios,_ " she hissed.

A gentle hand landed on his shoulder, massaging the tension away. "What happened?" Emma asked.

He waved a hand. "It's nothing, a misunderstanding. It won't happen again."

"If someone is hurting you, you  _have_  to tell us," Christina said, her voice firm and unwavering. Magnus lifted his head, staring at her in the mirror.

"It won't happen again," Magnus repeated, willing it to be true. Alec  _wouldn't_. He left because he didn't want to hurt Magnus.

Magnus had once been so convinced that Alec would never hurt him and he  _hadn't_ , not that night all that time ago when he held Alec in his arms as they slept... when they were startled out of their piece by Ragnor's intrusion. Alec didn't hurt him, not his Alexander. Some strange monster had taken over his body, a nightmare in human form.

Magnus knew Alec hadn't wanted to hurt him and  _that_  wasn't Alec.

"Oh my god," Emma breathed, her bright eyes widening. "It was him, wasn't it?"

"His boyfriend?" Christian asked, startled.

"Oh Magnus," Emma sighed, wrapping her arms around him, her face pressing against his shoulder. "I remember what it was like."

Magnus placed a hand on her back. "What?"

She pulled away, a sad smile spreading across her face. "Julian had a rough time when he first came home, after his first deployment. He was... different... but he was still my Julian. Until he wasn't. I know he never meant to, but that didn't make it any easier. It also didn't make me love him any less."

"Did it get better?" Magnus asked, sounding much like a hopeful child, wishing desperately for his dreams to not shatter.

"He never got the chance," she answered truthfully. "He was deployed again only a few months later... and then the explosion..."

Magnus grabbed Emma's arm, ignoring Christina's distraught look. "If you had the chance to tell him something, if you had the opportunity to  _fix_  it, how would you?"

She sighed. "I don't know, Magnus, because I never _did_  get that chance."

Magnus nodded, looking down as his ringed fingers. "I want to go get drunk."

Christian laughed outright, the sound startled out of her. "We aren't day-drinkers. How about we get this shoot started, then all go out for lunch later?"

Magnus rubbed at his eyes, giving her a watery smile of thanks. "Sounds perfect."

***

"Did you get any sleep?" Jem asked, handing Alec his black coffee. Alec gave him a blank look, bringing the mug to his lips in answer. "Tess will be down in a second. I know this is difficult, Alec. But you'll get through this, just like you always do. You're a fighter, Alec, don't stop now."

"I don't want to fight anymore, Jem," Alec admitted with a sigh.

Jem leaned forward, patting Alec's knee. "Just a little while longer."

Footsteps padded down the wooden stairs, brown waves shifting as Tessa balanced a little boy at her hip. Alec gave her a soft smile, his hazel eyes trained on the babbling boy with dark hair and chubby cheeks.

"I'm sorry for making you wait," Tessa apologized, sitting next to Jem on the couch. He placed an arm around her out of instinct.

Alec waved a dismissive hand. "I'm sorry for barging into your house like this."

Jem and Tessa shared a tense look. "You're welcome here whenever you need us," Jem explained slowly.

Alec dipped his head, staring at his hands, fingers wrapped around the coffee mug. "I don't know what I'm supposed to do."

Tessa cleared her throat and he raised his head just enough to see her steely grey eyes. "You have several options. I know you've tried one-on-one therapy and I know it's worked to some degree. You could always find another therapist and start fresh. There are also these group retreats that I organize. Vets with PTSD go camping outside the city for about a week and professionals trained in mental health come with us. It's very cathartic and we always have open spots." She pursed her lips at Alec's blank look. "I also have some connections with Four Winds."

Alec's eyebrows furrowed. "Four Winds? What's that?"

Tessa shifted uncomfortably. "Give me a moment." She gently passed little baby Will to

his father. Jem rubbed his cheek along the toddler's head as Will babbled at him. Tessa padded into a side room that Alec assumed was a study, returning moments later with a pamphlet.

Alec took it hesitantly.  _Four Winds_  was scrawled elegantly across the cover, a fairytale-esc cottage situated below it. The cottage appeared to be bigger than Magnus's mansion, than the Institute, painted in a soft blue with white outlines. The picture itself was calming, but Alec's heart clenched as he turned the folded paper. Inside, there was a list of mental illnesses accepted as well as introductions to the psychiatrist and doctors that would be on site. On the other flap, there were details about the various activities offered, including tennis, yoga, and culinary classes.

Alec's hand began to shake the longer he stared at the brightly colored pamphlet. "You—you want to ship me off to a  _mental hospital_. I'm not crazy. Do you think I'm  _crazy_?" Alec stood, crushing the paper in his hand. He paced, wearing a path into the carpet. He pressed a clenched fist to his forehead. "My  _God_ ," he breathed. "Magnus probably thinks I'm out of my goddamn mind. He probably wants nothing to do with me." A fist slammed into his stomach and he hissed. " _God_." Tessa raised her hands, telling him to calm down. He sank back into his seat, cradling his head in his hands. Tears burned the back of his eyes and he breathed deeply, willing them to disappear. He extended the pamphlet towards her without raising his head. "Will... will you call—" his voice cracked. "Will you call them for me?"

***

Two days passed and Magnus was still on edge, clutching his phone and praying desperately that Alec would call him. He knew Alec was blaming himself for what happened. He  _knew_  it. And all Magnus wanted to do was reassure him that he understood—understood that he had demons and that sometimes the demons won.

Once the initial shock had faded, once Emma counseled him into clarity, he realized that this needed to happen. Even though it killed him inside, he knew that Alec had to be somewhere else, that Magnus's fantasy of magically fixing Alec was just that, a fantasy.  _Alec_  needed to fix Alec. Magnus hoped that he was doing that right now, finding some way to get better, to heal after all the trauma he had gone through.

Magnus wanted to learn to live his life without Alec just a mere phone call away. He believed in his heart of hearts that they weren't going to last. No matter how much they loved each other, the world was going to keep tearing them apart.

Asmodeus and Camille, Valentine and Jonathan; they weren't going away anytime soon.

"Speak of the devil and she shall appear," Magnus muttered bitterly, taking a swig of his martini. Camille sauntered towards the bar, receiving a glare from Raphael.

"Be gone, witch. Your kind isn't welcome here," Raphael drawled, slinging his rag over his shoulder, arms crossing over his chest.

Camille smiled at him. "I'm welcome everywhere,  _darling_ ," she mocked, sending Magnus a heated look. "Because of—"

"Valentine and his big baddies, we  _know_ ," Magnus interrupted dryly, raising an eyebrow.

She laughed, the sound grating. "No, actually. Because of your dear  _Alexander's_  file. You remember that, don't you?"

Magnus heart stalled in his chest. "So what? You know things about my boyfriend. Why don't you fuck off?"

She pursed her blood red lips. "Do you  _want_  me to leak the information to the press? What will the city think when they find out how they have a murderer playing detective. I always suspected something was off about him. I knew he'd killed people, that's  _obvious_  because it was  _war_. But to murder his entire unit while they slept? Now  _that's_  something else."

Magnus narrowed his eyes. " _Jonathon_ , Valentine's psychopathic son, blew up a  _Humvee_  which killed those men. Alec had nothing to do with it."

She cocked her head. "Really? Because that's not what Alec told Jordan Kyle. His therapist has  _pages_  detailing the  _whole story_. If Alec ever returns to this city, he'll be sorry. Give him that message for me?"

Raphael  _snarled_  at her. "How do you know he's gone?"

Camille snorted with her air of superiority. "Why else would the great  _Magnus Bane_ be day-drinking all alone? Before four o'clock, how dreadful."

She spun on her heel and sauntered away.

Raphael placed another drink in front of him without Magnus having to ask.

***

"... and he was admitted today. This first week will tell them how long they expect him to stay," Jem informed, exhaustion thick in his voice.

Jace rubbed at his forehead. "Thank you for telling me. Did he... did he seem alright?" He was aware of the stupidity of the question but he had to ask.

Jem sighed. "He's  _Alec_  so no, he didn't. But we really think this will be good for him."

Jace hummed under his breath, stirring the pasta as it boiled. "What does he want me to tell the others?" There was  _no way_  his brother wanted everyone to know he was in a  _mental institution_. They would think he was crazy and worry far more than he would want.

Jem chuckled. "You know him so well. He requested that Max, Izzy, and Maryse be told he's staying with me and has enrolled in a trainee program for teaching at West Point. The station is to be told that that he's taking his long overdue PTO days."

Jace nodded along, mentally cataloging the lies. "And Magnus? What am I supposed to tell him?"

"Alec wants you to tell him nothing. He can't know where Alec is."

Jace huffed. "That's not fair to him. He deserves to be told that  _his boyfriend_ is getting help! Why does Alec not understand that?" Jace asked, suddenly furious.

"It's not entirely his decision. Part of his admittance was due to his violent outbursts and Magnus's attack. The doctors believe Magnus may be a trigger and should be kept out of Alec's recovery. Magnus can know once Alec has been cleared for visitors."

"Even I can't see him?" Jace breathed, his heart breaking just a bit.

"None of us can, Jace. Not even Tessa and I who advocated for him in the first place."

Jace swore under his breath. "Fine. Call me with updates."

"Of course," Jem promised.

The doorbell chimed as Jace disconnected the call. He turned off the stove top, leaving his phone on the counter. He expected Izzy, or maybe Max.

He hadn't expected Magnus.

Jace leaned against the door frame. "Hey, Magnus," he greeted slowly. His eyes darted over the older man's form, his hair more limp than usual, his lip gloss smudged and scarf wrapped loosely around his neck.

"'S Jace," the man grumbled, stumbling forward and brushing past him.

"You alright there, buddy?" Jace asked wryly, pulling the door shut.

Magnus swung around, suddenly alive with untapped energy. He flailed his ringed hands in the air, his face contorted with rage. "Am I alright? My boyfriend  _left_. Again! And Camille is the bitchiest bitch-witch I've ever met!  _God!_  What did I ever see in that horrendous woman? One breakup after another after another. Maybe it was the makeup sex but she wasn't really that good"—Jace visibly winced, wishing he could unhear that— "and then she aborted our baby! Well, it wasn't really  _my_  baby, but still! What a whoring bitch! She cheated, did you know that?" He flapped his hand. "No, you're right, it's not my fault that my younger, less-handsome self was so enthralled by her ethereal beauty. Really, it was the shine of the city that got me. I practically asked Alec to have a kid with me. How fucked up is that? Oh... I get it now. He tried to kill me because I scared him by moving too fast. I shouldn't be surprised; virgins often startle easily. Don't give me that look, I know he did it with Lydia, but this is man-on-man I'm talking about, and we  _both_  know that Alec has had none of it. I still like to think he'd be pretty amazing. He's amazing at  _everything_. And then he tried to kill me! And ran off probably to find another guy—not as handsome, of course—and do it with him!" Magnus collapsed dramatically onto the couch.

"There there, Magnus," Jace said placatingly, patting Magnus shoulder. "I promise that Alec hasn't run off with his secret lover."

Magnus's eyes widened. "So he  _does_  have a secret lover? I should've guess." He groaned, rubbing at his eyes.

Jace huffed in exasperation and disappeared into the kitchen, the pasta long forgotten. He retrieve a water bottle from the fridge and returned to the drunk bastard in his living room. "Drink this," he said, waving it in front of Magnus's face.

Magnus accepted it somberly. "Where's Alexander, Jace?"

Jace stiffened, massaging the back of his neck. "He's safe, recovering. He'll be home before we know it."

"He can't come back into the city," Magnus declared, tears forming in his eyes.

Jace gave him a perplexed look. "Why do you say that?"

"Because Camille has 'proof' that Alec killed his unit. She's going to release it to the press if he comes back. I know he didn't and so do you and the others, but everyone else? They'll believe every damn word of it."

"What a bitch," Jace mumbled.

Magnus raised his water bottle. "Cheers to that. If only someone had told me sooner." He took a swig as if it was another beer.

Jace was seriously considering grabbing one.

***

"Why is it always this place?" Camille sneered, her dark eyes glaring at the rotting wood of the warehouse. Dark and dinging and so beneath her. Valentine was the richest man in the city, yet he lived like a vagrant.

"Because it's quiet," the bald man told her. "And quiet is much more effective that noise."

Camille pursed her lips, swatting dark strands of hair out of her face. "The sounds of the city are bearable when in a highrise," she commented hotly.

Valentine tilted his head, a frown on his face. His body was clad in a fine suit, much like he had just arrived from a political gathering. Maybe he had. The Lightwoods were throwing quite the gala tonight. "You need to stay away from Magnus Bane," he told her coldly.

Her heart skipped a beat at his name, love and anger dancing in her stomach. "Why?" she bit out.

"Asmodeus has complained that your presence has lost its influence with his son. He wants you to do something  _useful._  You have  _failed_  at your job. You've drawn the attention of the NYPD by targeting a detective's boyfriend. You've been  _arrested_  for selling  _my_  products. Asmodeus and I have agreed that you are not  _needed_."

Camille stumbled back a step, fear pouring through her veins. "Asmodeus? Why is the Circle colluding with the Edomites?"

"We're tired of the infighting," Valentine explained. "Why fight one another when we could join forces and take the city  _together?_  I've heard that a rather special event is happening soon. The best of the police force will be there due to familial connections. The rest will be left virtually unprotected at the station. We take them out and the city is ours."

"What about Alexander Lightwood? Are we abandoning him? And Magnus? We're leaving too many loose ends," Camille protested, even though it was  _not_  her place to question him.

"Lightwood will be there, too. Whether Magnus is there or not hardly matters to us. Asmodeus would probably prefer he stay out of the line of fire, anyway."

Frustrated, Camille crossed her arms over her chest. "But the  _plan_ , ousting Alec for his war crimes, avenging for the deaths of his unit. Isn't that what you wanted? For Jonathan?"

"That is none of your concern anymore," Jonathan said, appearing from the shadows like a ghost. His dark eyes burned as he scanned Camille's body from head to toe. "I'll take it from here." He tilted his head, his pale lips stretching into a smirk that sent chills down Camille's spine.

"Wha—"

A gunshot exploded and Camille slumped to the dirty floor of the warehouse, a bullet in her brain. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, this story is nearing its end. But don't worry! I think there will be several more chapters before that dreadful time comes. 
> 
> Comment! Please let me know what loose ends you want to see wrapped up. In fact, tell me all the loose ends so I don't forget one and leave it hanging. (I seriously love reading your comments, it's crazy to me that someone would actually take the time to read this thing)
> 
> Leave Kudos!!


	13. Just Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec's recovery has begun but maybe it takes too long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So... apparently writing is a fantastic way to procrastinate studying for exams... which are next week and I've basically done nothing. Oh well. But hey! Now you guys have another chapter. I guess that's good?
> 
> I also started reading "The Red Scrolls of Magic" -the OFFICIAL MALEC BOOK. I'm dead. It's amazing and I'm only on chapter 3.

“How are you settling in, Alec?” Dr. Rollins asked softly, peering into his room. Her brown hair was pulled into a bun, a soft smile on her lips.

Alec shifted, the blue-blanketed bed squeaking beneath him. He fiddled with his hands. “It’s—Ah—it’s a little strange.”

Dr. Rollins laughed, the sound musical and full of cheer. “It usually is the first few nights. It gets easier,” she promised.

Alec’s eyes flicked around the room, the soft tones, the white wooden dresser and nightstand, the carpeted floor. It was just… it was so  _light_. And then his eyes locked onto the red light in the corner. “Are the cameras necessary, Dr. Rollins?” Alec asked, his voice strained.

“Dot, please. We only use them the first week, to decide if you are a threat to others or yourself. After the incident with your boyfriend, we think it’s best to keep a watchful eyes on you,” she said not unkindly.

A pain that Alec tried to ignore flashed through him. He hadn’t meant to hurt Magnus.  _God_ , Magnus was never going to forgive him. “What am… what am I expected to do tomorrow?”

“Your personal therapist will have a meeting with you, then you’ll be taken to breakfast and introduced to some of the other patients. We have group activities as well as some personal time. We’ll adjust your schedule as we see fit,” Dot explained gently.

Alec sighed, rubbing at his brow. “How long will I need to be here?”

She smiled sadly. “We don’t know yet, Alec. Recovery is a long process and after everything you’ve been through, and the delay between the incidents and you seeking help such as this… it might be quite some time.”

“And medications? Will I be given those?” Alec croaked, unable to meet her dark eyes.

“If you mean your sleeping pills, then no. Sometimes certain medications actually make the symptoms worse rather than better. We need to find a baseline to monitor your progress. If your personal therapist sees it fit, he’ll supply a prescription.”

Alec dipped his head, mentally preparing for the nightmares. “Fine.”

“We really think you’ll learn to love it here,” Dot told him.

“Maybe…” Alec mumbled.

***

_“Blackthorn? Underhill? How you holding up?” Alec asked wryly._

_“Great, sir. Just get us out of here,” Blackthorn replied coolly. Alec grunted as he hefted up the pit-cover. Blackthorn and Underhill crawled out._

_“Lightwood!” Morgenstern shouted in warning._

_Blackthorn’s ocean blue eyes clashed with Alec’s. “Why did you let him kill me?” he asked, his voice hollow._

_Alec lowered his gun, his throat constricting. He opened his mouth but couldn’t make a sound._

_Tears formed in Julian’s eyes, clearing a path of dirt from his face. “You just_ let him _. And now she’s unprotected. You killed her, too.”_

_Alec wanted to scream._

_“Emma’s next. Don’t you realize? Jonathan won’t stop until we’re all dead,” Julian told him grimly._

_“He’s right,” Morgenstern said, shifting his aim. Alec tried to move, tried to cover Julian. But he was stuck, frozen in place._

_Morgenstern pulled the trigger. Alec watched helplessly as Julian coughed, clutching at his chest. Blood splattered and Julian was dead._

_“No!” Alec screamed._

_Jonathan’s pale lips stretched into a menacing smile. “You’ll never beat me, Alec. You_ can’t _. You’re weak because your heart isn’t in your chest. They’ll die, all of them, one by one until you’re begging me to kill you, too.”_

_“Why are you doing this?” Alec croaked._

_“Because I CAN!” he shrieked, his hands tightening around his weapon._

_Alec sucked in a tight breath as a bullet ripped through his heart._

He jolted awake, bile burning his throat. Jace, Max, Izzy, Maryse,  _Magnus_. Jonathan was going to kill them.

He was going to…

Alec clutched at his chest, much as Julian had, trying desperately to breathe. He stumbled to his feet doubling over. The door to his room opened and a tall man with dark hair rushed in.

“Take a breath for me, Alec,” he said gently. “In… out…”

Alec stared at his feet, his ears stuffed with cotton. A few minutes passed before Alec’s head cleared. His looked up, swallowing hard. He narrowed his eyes at the man.

“Hello, Alec. I’m Lorenzo Rey, your personal therapist.” He gave a small laugh. “Looks like I came to get you right on time. Why don’t you take a moment? There’s fresh clothes in the top drawer of the dresser.”

Alec gave a faint nod and Lorenzo went back into the hallway.

***

“ _Jace_ ,” Clary hissed, glancing over his shoulder, her meal forgotten.”

Jace watched his girlfriend intently. “What is it?” he asked calmly, even as his shoulders tensed.

“He’s here,” she breathed, terror obvious on her pale face.

Jace gently placed a hand over her own. “I’ll handle this, babe. Wait here.”

“But—”  
Jace stood, giving her a brief kiss on the forehead before turning towards the door. The restaurant wasn’t a fancy one but it was  _theirs_ ; he didn’t like that Jonathan was ruining it.

Jonathan smiled, tipping his head back, hands in his pockets. He shrugged a shoulder and pushed through the glass doors, his dark eyes daring Jace to follow.

He did, the metal of his gun warm against his lower back. His heart was heavy, a brick in his chest. Rage coiled in his stomach. He felt powerless, unable to protect Clary from her psychopath of a brother. He just wished he could end this.

Clary was terrified, paranoid, always looking over her shoulder. She hasn’t drawn anything in weeks and Jace was getting worried.

Jonathan leaned against the building, his arms crossed over his chest and a sadistic smirk resting on his face. “I’m so glad you could make it,” he drawled, his dead eyes locked on Jace.

“You need to leave us alone,” Jace said, his voice cold.

Jonathan tilted his head, pushing off the wall. “Oh? And why would I do that? All I want is to form a relationship with my little sister. Is that a crime?”

Jace’s jaw clenched. “It is when you’re  _stalking_  her,” he forced out. His hands itched for his gun. He could end it now, steal Jonathan’s life from him, end Clary’s fear. He could do it.

But he  _couldn’t_ , his conscious wouldn’t let him. Besides, Jace had no desire to spend the rest of his life in prison.

“If you think stalking is bad, just you wait…” Jonathan’s smirk shifted into a well-meaning grin.

“You bastard,” Jace snapped, annoyed beyond reason. “What are you planning?”

Jonathan barked out a laugh. “Congratulate your sister for me.”

Jace watched, his heart crushed into a million pieces as Jonathan walked away.

_Izzy..._

***

Magnus sat on the couch, staring blankly at the TV, Church resting on his lap. He sipped on his drink, feeling empty.

He had never missed anyone so much in his life. Not even his own mother. But  _Alec_. God, he wanted his Alexander back. It felt like something was missing, like he was living a half-life, wandering around like a ghost.

He hadn’t realized how much he relied on Alec’s steady presence. And now that it was gone? He didn’t know what to do.

His phone buzzed and he jumped, a startled Church hissing at him. He fumbled in his pocket for it, his heart pounding against his ribs.  _Alec_.

It wasn’t Alec and Magnus deflated.

He opened the text from Jace, tears instantly beginning to stream down his face. He didn’t know why Jace did it, but he  _did_.

Magnus stared at the picture. Alec’s head was on Magnus’s chest, their arms wrapped around each other. They looked peaceful, in love even in their sleep. The date on the picture told him enough; it was taken right before Alec attacked him.

_No,_  Magnus chided himself,  _that wasn’t his Alec._

It couldn’t be.

His vision blurred even more but he never once took his eyes away from Alec. Not  _once_. He spent the night staring at the beautiful man who stole his heart and wished desperately that Alec would give it back.

He wasn’t sure he could live without it.

***

**Three Months Later**

Ragnor knocked on the door frame, peering into the office. Magnus huffed and set down the paper he was reading. People were still sending him angry letters, blaming him for Camille’s suicide.

Magnus knew she was murdered; he didn’t need  _Jace_  to tell him that. Camille was too self-important and self-serving to end her own life. A rock settled in Magnus stomach; he should feel  _something_  now that she was dead. She’d been his life for  _years_  but all he felt was profound relief. 

“What is it?” Magnus asked wryly.

Ragnor shifted and Magnus narrowed his eyes at his friend’s uncertainty. “Isabelle Lightwood is downstairs.”

Magnus sighed, rubbing at his brow as he leaned backward. “Did she say what she wanted? Because if she tries to convince me to go back to  _BlackHeart_  one more time, I’ll—”

Ragnor flapped his hand impatiently. “So  _dramatic_. She just wants to talk.”

Magnus scoffed. “Yeah, all she ever wants to  _talk_. Well I don’t want to hear it.”

Ragnor rolled his eyes. “She insisted that it was important.”

“It’s  _always_  imp—”

“It’s about Alec,” a soft voice cut through. Magnus’s jaw clenched and Izzy strutted into the room. Ragnor gave him a sympathetic shrug before leaving them alone. She took a seat, crossing her long legs. Magnus picked up the paper, ignoring her as his chest tightened. She gave a martyred sigh. “You can’t be mad at me forever, Magnus.”

He raised an eyebrow, still not looking at her. “Can’t I?”

She leaned forward, placing a hand on his arm. “Magnus,  _please._ ”

“ _What!_ ” he snapped.

She pulled her hand away as if burned. “I’m  _sorry_.”

“Sorry for what? For lying? For refusing to tell me where my boyfriend is? How he’s doing? When I’ll be able to see him? If he even  _wants_  to see me? You’ve told me  _nothing_ , Isabelle.”

She lifted her hands in defense. “That isn’t my  _choice_.”

His jaw clenched. “I know,  _Alec_ doesn’t want me to know. But I am his  _boyfriend_. I  _deserve_  to know.”

“It’s not that simple. He—” she cut herself off, gnawing on her lower lip.

“What?” he asked, his voice crack. “He doesn’t want me anymore? Is that it? He’s moved on and you’re going to tell me that he’s done with me?”

“God, Magnus.  _No._  He loves you as much as he always has—”

“Then where is he, Izzy?” Magnus asked, suddenly exhausted.

She looked unbelievably saddened. “Why don’t I show you?”

“When?”

“I’ll be at your place tomorrow morning.”

***

“How are you feeling today, Alec?” Lorenzo asked, his pad of paper resting on his knee.

Alec leaned into the couch, a small smile on his lips. “I’m ready to go home.”

Lorenzo dipped his head. “I know. You’re almost there.”

His smile slipped from his face. “What? You said that—”

Lorenzo raised a placating hand. “I know what I said. You’ll go home soon. I just wanted to do one final check up.”

Alec’s eyebrows pinched, his hands rubbing together. “Check up?”

A mischievous smile spread across his therapist’s tanned face. “Your sister called me last night.”

Alec jolted, his eyes widening. “Izzy? Is she coming here?” He had seen Jace multiple times, Jem and Tessa even more than that. But not Izzy, not yet. Lorenzo thought it would be better to distance himself for a time, in order to gather himself before seeing her. Jace and the others knew the horror of war far more than Izzy did. Alec wanted to protect her from it.

But he was ready now, he was ready to tell her all of it.

“Actually,” Lorenzo said slowly, “she’s here now.” He stood and Alec did as well, nervous energy bubbling up inside of him.

***

Magnus’s knee bounced, his hands clasped together as he sat on one of the couch’s in the activity room. Izzy was beside him, a serene quiet filling the air. The activity room was empty save for them, all the patients either in therapy or outside—or so Magnus assumed.

He felt like his heart was going to explode. He couldn’t explain it, the sharp pressure in his chest; he was so proud of Alec that his heart  _ached_.  _God_ , his boyfriend was so incredibly strong.

The white door to the room swung open on its hinges and Magnus breath was punched out of his lungs.

Alec entered, his head turned to the side, his lips moving as he conversed with Dr. Rey. His hair was as unruly as ever, but even from here, Magnus could see the difference in him. His skin was practically glowing with  _life_. Before he had been a ghost, a suffering shadow.

And now?

He was something else entirely.

Magnus was on his feet in an instant, Alec’s name on his lips.

The world froze as Alec shifted his head, hazel eyes clashing with deep brown.

***

Alec’s body sagged at the sight of Magnus. Stubble lined his jaw, his hair styled to perfection. His soft lips were parted, his eyes glowing with a love Alec was so sure was gone after what he had done, after what he had put Magnus through.

But it was still there, still vibrant.

“ _Magnus_ ,” he choked.

Lorenzo tugged lightly on Alec’s sleeve. “Just breathe, Alec. You can do this. Izzy?” he called. “Why don’t you join me in the hall for a moment.”

Alec was only vaguely aware of Izzy’s kiss on his cheek as she passed.

And then they were alone.

Magnus took several steps closer, cautious, as if not to scare Alec away. Alec wasn’t going anywhere, he was frozen to the spot, paralyzed.

***

Magnus could see the exact moment Alec decided to stop fighting. His head dipped, his lids fluttering close. He raised a hand to cover his face, his body shaking with silent tears. Magnus couldn’t take it anymore.

He pulled the taller man into his arms, his face pressed against Alec’s neck, holding him as tightly as he could. Alec’s body shook as his hands dropped to Magnus’s lower back, fisting in his shirt.

“I’m so sorry, Magnus. I-I’m so sorry. I-I  _never_ —” his words were stopped by a violent sob.

“I know, my love, I know,” Magnus murmured, slowly pulling away. Magnus wiped away Alec’s tears, his thumb sweeping across his cheekbone. He gave the love of his life a weak smile. “Let’s sit down.”

Alec nodded slowly as they untangled themselves. But before Magnus could truly move away, Alec’s fingers entwined with his own. Magnus’s heart stopped then started then stopped again.

It had been too long.

He silently swore to himself that it would never be that long again.

***

Alec stared at the beautiful man next to him, twisted on the couch so that they faced each other. “What did I do to deserve you?” he asked softly, baffled.

Magnus chuckled and the sound was like music, causing Alec’s thoughts to grow fuzzy. “I should be asking you the same question.” Magnus’s face fell, suddenly becoming serious. “You look better, Alexander.”

A faint tinge of pink appeared on his cheeks. “I feel better, too,” he admitted. Alec fiddled with the rings on Magnus’s fingers.

“Good,” Magnus breathed. He cleared his throat, shifting in a way that told Alec he was uncomfortable.

Alec stiffened. “What is it?”

Magnus gnawed on his lower lip and Alec tracked the movement. “Can… can I kiss you?”

Alec’s eyes widened as his heart soared. He tried to speak but failed. Instead, he lightly grabbed Magnus’s collar, tugging him closer. Their lips crashed together and Alec slid his hands around Magnus’s waist, pulling him onto his lap. Magnus tilted his head up and their kiss deepened.

Alec got lost in the feeling, familiar and yet so new and tentative. Something wet dropped onto his cheek, salt on his lips. He pulled back, resting his forehead against Magnus’s. Magnus’s eyes remained closed, but his tears were obvious.

“I-I wasn’t sure you wanted me anymore. I… I thought you had skipped town”—he let loose a strained laugh—“and ran off with some  _guy_ ,” Magnus admitted sheepishly.

Alec shook his head and Magnus’s eyes opened. “There’s never  _been_  another guy. I don’t think there ever will be, Mags.” If anything, Magnus’s tears picked up speed. Alec panicked, opening his mouth to take it back.

He was never given the chance. Magnus surged forward, capturing Alec’s lips once more. Ringed fingers ran through Alec’s hair and he groaned as Magnus tugged gently.

The kiss broke only because they needed to catch their breath.

“God, I love you so much, Alexander,” Magnus panted, peering up at him.

Alec huffed a laugh. “I love you, too.” He swept a lock of brown hair out of Magnus’s eyes. Alec leaned in but was halted by Magnus’s finger on his lips.

Magnus glanced up through his thick lashes. “Will you…” Alec wasn’t sure he was breathing “...move in with me?” Magnus finished.

The panic dissipated in a split second, replaced with relief. “All I’ve wanted since I’ve been here was to come home to you.”

“You’re home now, Alexander,” Magnus whispered.

The door to the activity room opened and Alec subtly shifted Magnus off of him. Magnus pouted in mock disappointment and Alec grinned lovingly at him. Alec stood, his fingers trailing along Magnus’s side as he did so.

“Hey, Iz,” Alec greeting lamely.

Izzy launched herself at him and he stumbled backward with the force of her hug. “I’m missed you,  _hermano.”_

“I’ve missed you, too,” he mumbled into her shoulder.

Lorenzo cleared his throat. “I’d like to go over a few things with you, Alec, before I sign the release paperwork.”

Alec nodded. “Of course.” The excitement was rising in him, growing impatient. He resumed his place next to Magnus and Magnus instantly pulled Alec’s hand into his lap, locking their fingers together tightly. Lorenzo and Izzy settled opposite of them.

“As part of your release, we will have weekly computer-call sessions for the first few weeks, longer if needed. There will be set events placed on your calendar and I expect you to participate in them,” Lorenzo said, getting down to business. “You are allowed your medication but you are only to take the sleeping pills if they’re really needed.”

“What planned events?” Magnus interrupted. Alec raised an eyebrow at him.

“Yoga, exercise groups, other stress relief activities,” Lorenzo informed.

“Interesting,” Magnus drawled, giving Alec a sly look. Alec pretend his cheeks didn’t heat up.

“If you…” Lorenzo continued, giving Alec several packets of information for outpatient recovery. Alec wasn’t paying attention, all his focus on his boyfriend.

Alec didn’t think he’d been happier in all his life.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed!! There might be two more chapters or there might be only one. I'm not sure so we'll see. 
> 
> Let me know what you think!! I love reading your comments. 
> 
> Kudos!!


	14. Till Death Do Us Part

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The wedding at long last.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE IT IS. I finally did it. I wrote the last chapter. It took forever (my apologies) but it's kinda long so I hope that makes up for the wait.

Walking into Magnus’s mansion was the first breath of fresh air Alec had in  _months_. The tight coil around his chest loosened, the knots falling away completely. Alec dropped his meager bag on the floor of the entryway, halting.

Magnus ran a finger along his arm. “Is everything alright?” he asked softly. Alec could hear the undercurrent of doubt in his voice.

Alec sighed, pulling Magnus into his arms. He rested his cheek on Magnus’s head and Magnus grabbed his shirt. “I love you, Magnus,” he breathed. “I’m so sorry for everything I’ve put you through.”

“You’re worth it, Alexander,” Magnus said into Alec’s chest. “You were healing, I can’t fault you for that.”

Alec tightened his grip. “Thank you.”

Magnus chuckled and distanced himself enough to peer up at Alec. “You’re welcome, darling.”

***

Alec hesitated as Magnus slipped under the covers. He wasn’t sure what to do, how to act. He wasn’t sure if Magnus would ask him to stay.

He was terrified that Magnus would be too afraid of Alec. Bile rose in Alec’s throat at the thought of what he had done. He could’ve killed him, if Jace hadn’t been there.

Magnus rolled over, raising a brow. His face was clean of all makeup, his hair limp. “What?”

Alec leaned against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest. He squeezed his biceps, trying to still the shaking of his hands. His hazel eyes flicked around the room, landing on the bathroom door.   
Alec had ordered Magnus to lock himself in there… Magnus had collapsed into Alec’s arms once the threat—which was actually just Ragnor—was taken care of. He had spent the night tucked close to Magnus. All he wanted was to feel that safety again.

He wouldn’t feel it unless  _Magnus_  felt it. Alec was convinced that he didn’t.

Magnus sat up, concern flashing across his beautifully tired face. He extended a hand. “Come here, darling.” Alec frowned at him and he sighed, running his free hands through his hair. “Please.”

Alec dropped his arms and approached cautiously, sitting on the opposite side of the bed. Magnus placed a gentle hand on his forearm. Alec cleared his throat. “I… I don’t…” He sighed in irritation, unsure of what to say.

“I love you, Alexander,” Magnus said simply. “And I will never push you if you aren’t ready. But I also know that you are in a much better place than you were… I know you won’t hurt me.”

“You said that last time,” Alec muttered, looking down at Magnus hand.

“Last time was a  _very_  long time ago,” Magnus said with a chuckle. He raised his free hand to Alec’s cheek, sweeping his thumb along his cheekbone.

Alec lifted a hand to cover Magnus’s. “I’ve never done this before… not really,” he admitted sheepishly. Magnus pursed his lips in confusion. Alec didn’t give him a chance to ask, didn’t give himself the chance to doubt what he was feeling.

He cupped Magnus’s face, pressing their lips together hungrily. Alec shifted so that he was straddling Magnus’s thighs. The older man made an approving sound in the back of his throat as Alec tugged on his hair, tilting his head upward.

“God, Alexander,” Magnus gasped in between heavy kisses. Alec pressed himself even closer, his back curving. Magnus hands slid under Alec’s tight black tee-shirt. Alec’s breath hitched as Magnus’s fingers skimmed the scar tissue on his lower back. Magnus pulled back abruptly and Alec bit his lower lip to stop his protests. “Alexander…” Magnus said slowly. “Are you  _sure_  this is what you want?” Alec nodded. Magnus lightly squeezed his biceps. “I need to hear you  _say_  it.”

Alec dragged a finger down Magnus’s face, along his jaw. “I’m saying yes, Mags.”

“Then let me see the scars.” His voice was firm, but his chocolate eyes held warmth and an affection Alec still wasn’t sure he deserved.

Alec took a deep breath to stop his chest from heaving. He rolled to the side, off of Magnus, and slowly peeled off his shirt. He lay on his stomach, pressing the pillow against his face.

***

Magnus’s lips parted as Alec’s shirt dropped to the floor beside the bed. His heart fluttered frantically as his eyes scanned the toned muscles. He dragged his hands lower until reaching the scars. They were not nearly as bad as Magnus had expected. But they were enough. Enough to prove how close his beloved had been to death.

Alec visibly tensed as Magnus traced the long scar—from kidney to opposite hip—that reminded him of the trauma of war that Alec had endured. Magnus’s breathing grew ragged, fractured images of car explosions in movies flickering in his find. He knew Hollywood had gotten it wrong, but it was the best Magnus could come up with.

And it was terrible.

His chest constricted as his fingers reached the circular scar where a bullet had lodged into Alec’s back. The mark that proved just how much Alec loved him, even then. “They’re beautiful,” Magnus breathed.

Alec’s body shook as he laughed bitterly. “No, they’re not.”

Magnus moved his hands upward, massaging small circle into his shoulder blades. He leaned down, pressing a kiss to the side of Alec’s neck. “Nothing about you is ugly, Alexander. Nothing at all.” Magnus could feel the exact moment all the tension drained from Alec’s body.

Magnus shifted, blanketing Alec’s body with his own. He kissed a soft trail down Alec’s ridged spine. Alec made a deep noise in is throat as Magnus’s lips brushed against the scars. A smile stretched across Magnus face at the sounds Alec was making. Magnus pulled away, lifting his body enough for Alec to flip over. A content smile graced Alec’s face, his eyes bright with excitement. Alec reached up, yanking Magnus hard against him. Skin on skin and lips hungry.

“Are you sure?” Magnus breathed, asking the question once more. He didn’t want to pressure… he didn’t want Alec to regret it.

Alec sighed, his eyes opening to stare intently into Magnus’s. “I’ve never been so sure of anything in my life.” Magnus watched Alec’s Adam’s Apple bob as he swallowed. “You’re it for me, Magnus.”

It felt like a bomb exploded in his chest, releasing all the love and aching need that had been growing inside of him. A single tear rolled down his face. Alec lifted a hand, gently wiping it away. Concern flickered across his face and Magnus huffed a laugh. “I never… I never thought anyone would truly want me. I’m a mess, Alexander. And I always will be… my depression… my father… it all—”

“Magnus, you’re the most beautiful mess I’ve ever seen.” The open honesty in Alec’s eyes released another tear from Magnus’s.

Their lips crashed together, their bodies colliding.

***

Alec stared at Magnus after, the man sleeping soundly, his hair an absolute disaster. Alec could see it again… could see the future he had dreamed about all those months ago. He could see Magnus cradling their son in his arms, a lovestruck expression on his face. He could see himself, safe and whole, desperately trying to get their other son to put on his shoes.

Because they’d have sons. Just two, so that Magnus would be the favorite of one and Alec the other. Their boys would be unbelievably happy and incredibly spoiled because Magnus wouldn’t be able to say no—Alec has seen the way he treats his cats.

Alec knew even now that he’d be the bad cop, the one that enforced the rules. And he wouldn’t mind it one bit, not if he could come home everyday to his boys and his husband.

The word pierced Alec like a bullet.

_Husband._

Alec smoothed a lock of Magnus’s hair out of his face, placing the whisper of a kiss on his forehead. “One day, my love.” He promised to the sleeping man.

He slowly pulled himself away from Magnus, careful not to wake him. He pulled on his boxers and a clean pair of sweatpants, grabbing his phone before leaving the room. He dialed the number once in the hall.

“Do you know what time it is?” Jace slurred.

“Are you drunk?” Alec asked, leaning down to scratch behind Church’s ear.

“No. Just tired. Late night?” Jace whispered.

Alec cleared his throat, his cheeks flaring red. “Uh—something like that. Hey, I wanted to talk to you before I talked to Maia and Jem.”

“What’s wrong?” Jace asked, suddenly wide awake.

“Nothing. It’s not like that,” Alec reassured.

Jace’s sigh of relief bled through the phone. “Okay. What is it, then?”

***

Jonathan sipped on his coffee, his eyes narrowed as he stared out the cafe window. His father had specifically told him to lay low, to wait. He was tired of  _waiting_. He had plans. Alec Lightwood—the idiot in the park doing yoga with his boyfriend—was one of the things standing in his way.

All Jonathan wanted was for his family to be together again. He had faint memories of when his mother and father would dance around the kitchen, happy and in love, ready to take on whatever was ahead of them. He also had memories of screaming and angry tears.

Those fights didn’t matter anymore because he knew everything would be fixed once they were together. Clary would help them fix things.

Alec Lightwood wasn’t the only obstacle. Jace and Luke were problems too. And soon, all of them would be dealt with. Jocelyn and Clary would be free… and then they could all be together like they were supposed to be.

Jonathan wasn’t going to feel anything but joy once he put Alec six feet under. Alec’s superiority had grated at his nerves when they served overseas together. It was a shame that Alec didn’t die in the explosion as he was supposed to—another reason to kill him.

Jonathan had  _plans_  and was  _sick_  of waiting.

But he would wait. Because his father promised that time would bring his family back together.

He took another sip of his coffee, staring at the yoga class. Magnus Bane leaned over—not subtle at all—and grabbed Alec’s ass. Bile and disgust rose in Jonathan. Alec’s face burned a bright red and all Jonathan could see was the blood that would run down it after Jonathan put a bullet between his hazel eyes.

***

**Two Months Later**

Anxiety coiled in Alec’s stomach as he fiddled with the cuff of his sleeve. Magnus gently pulled his hand away, twining their fingers together.

“It’s going to be fine,” Magnus promised, laughter filling his voice.

“Fine isn’t good enough. It needs to be perfect,” Alec snapped, his entire body tensing.

Magnus brought their linked hands to his lips, brushing the back of Alec’s hand, grazing the gold ring that rested there. “Relax, darling.”

The Institute was decked out with white ribbons and beautiful flower arrangements. The railing to the stairs lined with gold. There was an acute tightness in Alec’s chest as he peered up at the top.

Magnus tugged, guiding him away and out the back door to the large wooden porch that looked out at the bright grass, covered by classy white chairs and a red carpet leading to the archway. It was beautiful.

But was it perfect enough for her? Alec rubbed at his jaw, glancing behind him once more.

“Let’s get a drink,” Magnus suggested, practically dragging him down the steps and to the mini-bar.

Raphael smirked at them, setting a fancy drink in Magnus’s hand without having to be asked. He pressed one into Alec’s hand as well. “It’s virgin, I promise.”

“Unlike someone,” Magnus purred in Alec’s ear. He was trying to lighten the mood, but Alec wasn’t having it. He freed himself from Magnus’s grasp and walked towards the cluster of familiar faces.

Maia and Luke smiled at him. “Isabelle got lucky, didn’t she?” Maia asked.

Luke grinned. “Simon’s fantastic. Clary and him have been best friend since they were kids.”

Maia snorted. “That’s not what I meant. It’s New York and unbelievably sunny.”

Alec swallowed thickly. “Can you imagine what she’d do if it rained?” He took a swig of his virgin fruity drink.

“She’d be a total bridezilla,” Magnus teased, strolling up next to him.

“I haven’t seen you in a while, Alec,” Luke said. “But I was told the wonderful news. Congratulations.”

Luke and Alec were able to reconcile their… differences in opinion regarding Jonathan Morgenstern. Alec wasn’t sure how tenuous their peace truly was. But none of that mattered as a large grin spread across Alec’s face.

He glanced at Magnus, who looked more smug than overjoyed. Without a second of hesitation, Magnus cupped Alec’s cheek, pulling him into a passionate kiss. Luke chuckled while Maia faked a disgusted groan.

“Break it up you two!” Jace hollered from the porch. “Save that for later. When you’re not in public.”

“You’re just jealous!” Magnus yelled back. Jace scoffed, jogging down the stairs in his tux.

“I have nothing to be jealous about,” Jace retorted coolly.

Magnus rolled his eyes. “I don’t remember who said it, but there was a bet that you and Clary would be next to the altar. Looks like you owe someone some money.”

Jace sized Alec up with a mischievous gleam in his eyes. “Oh? What if we eloped?”

A heavy hand slammed down on Jace’s shoulder and he flinched. Alec swallowed a laugh as Luke glared at his brother. “If you do that,” he threatened, his voice low and deadly, “Jocelyn would kill you. And I’d rather not have to arrest my wife.”

“Speaking of murders…” Maia started. There was a loud groan as Clary joined their ever-growing cluster.

“That’s all Jace talks about. Please don’t talk about it know,” the short redhead pleaded.

Maia turned to Alec, ignoring her. “I’m going to miss working with you, but I think you made the right choice.” Luke nodded his approval and a knot in Alec’s chest loosened.

He stared at the love of his life. “Yeah… I think I did too.”

Alec and Magnus had talked… talked about their visions of the future. They decided to get out of the city, not too far away but far enough. Alec was offered a position at West Point as an instructor under Jem when he had asked. He resigned from the police force and Magnus promoted Raphael. Magnus still co-owned Pandemonium but wasn’t actively involved in any of the decision making.

He actually started creating fashion designs, working closely with Isabelle. Alec knew it was difficult for Magnus but he also knew Magnus loved it just the same. And, it was something he could do from home.

Alec smiled faintly as he thought of home. A little blue house with a picket fence was currently waiting for them to unpack all their boxes.

Magnus cheeks were tinged a light pink as they walked towards their seats. Max was the usher, repeating over and over which side was the groom’s and which was the bride’s. Alec was so proud of his little brother. He was so incredibly smart. His junior year of high school was drawing to a close and he was more than ecstatic for summer to come.

Alec ruffled Max’s hair as he passed. Max grumbled with a smile on his face.

***

Isabelle was beautiful, dressed in white like an angel. It was no surprise to Magnus that Alec was the first in his family to tear up at the sight of her walking down the aisle, Robert at her arm.

Magnus held Alec’s hand in his lap, fiddling with one half of a ring set. Happiness exploded in his chest at the thought of Alec being his husband. They had yet to set a date, but he could wait as long as Alec wanted, because Alec was worth waiting for.

***

Jonathan parked the car, tapping a steady rhythm against the steering wheel. “What are we waiting for?” he snapped, glaring at Valentine.

“Asmodeus will be here shortly,” his father replied calmly.

“We need to get Clary out of there before he arrives,” Jonathan protested.

Valentine placed a hand on his arm. “She will be perfectly safe.”

“How can you be so sure?” Jonathan snarled.

“Because one of my men is going to get her now.”

***

“I now pronounce you husband and wife,” Ragnor said regally. “You may kiss the bride.”

Clary shot to her feet, clapping as tears poured down her face. She always knew those two were going to end up together. She had teased Simon about it long before the two of them had even met.

Jace grabbed her hand, lacing their fingers together. He leaned down, his breath tickling her ear. “That’ll be us once day.”

A pleasant shiver ran down her spine. “Promise?”

Jace brushed his lips against her forehead. “I promise.” They smiled at each other as they followed the crowd back into the Institute, excited to finally start eating. For once in his life, Jace wasn’t hungry. “Let’s get out of here.”

Clary laughed. “We can’t just  _leave_.”

“We’re not  _leaving_. Just going upstairs for a bit,” he said sheepishly.

Clary bit her lower lip. “Fine. But we need to go congratulate the newlyweds first.”

***

Jace leaned into her, pressing her against the wall, his lips hot against the soft skin on her neck. She made a small sound, pulling at Jace’s hair so that their lips crashed together once more.

There was a loud knock on the door and Jace froze. “We’re a little busy right now.” The person knocked again. Jace sighed, dragging a hand through his hair as he placed distance between himself and Clary, a distant Clary greatly despised.

He yanked the door open, confusion filling his eyes. “Who are you?”

“Clary needs to come with me,” a deep, unfamiliar voice said.

She watched as Jace tensed. “Why?”

“Her father wants to see her outside.”

“Luke can wait,” Jace snapped, preparing to close the door in the man’s face,

Clary caught a flash of silver.

It all happened too fast.

“I wasn’t talking about Luke.”

A soft  _pft_  sounded and Clary screamed as Jace stumbled, as the man lunged at her, placing a cloth over her mouth and nose.

***

“Everyone! Get down!” Luke barked, pulling a gun from inside his jacket. Maia and the other’s from the station did the same.

Alec’s brain went painfully blank as Magnus grabbed his arm, pulling him to the floor.

“What is it?” Magnus whispered.

“We… we were warned that an attack was going to happen… we were hoping it wouldn’t be here,” Alec gasped.

“Warned? By who?” Magnus breathed, terror evident on his face.

“An Edomite named Lilith,” Alec said. Alec was too busy looking for his family to notice Magnus pale. “She told us of the attack because she’s convinced that Jonathan Morgenstern is actually her son. She said that the Edomites and the Circle were working together.”

“She did see unstable while she tortured me,” Magnus said faintly.

Alec’s head turned fast enough to snap his neck, his eyes going wide. “You… you never told me her name.”

Magnus shook his head. “You knew there was going to be an attack and you didn’t  _tell me_?”

Alec winced. “We told Izzy, it was her choice to continue with the wedding. Besides, the surrounding police forces have been on high alert and the FBI were called into the area. They’ll be here with reinforcement soon.”

Magnus stared up at him, speechless.

Alec gently cupped Magnus’s face, sweeping his thumb against the other man’s cheek. “Stay here. I’ll be right back.” Alec grabbed his own gun, guilt building in his stomach at the rage that flashed across Magnus’s face.

“I thought you turned that in with your badge,” Magnus said dryly.

“I’m sorry, my love. Stay here,” Alec pleaded, rising to his feet.

Just then all the windows exploded and gunfire rained. Alec launched himself at Magnus, covering all of him with his body. He grunted as glass sliced him, the pain blinding. The screams were too familiar.

***

Magnus’s head slammed into something hard as Alec shoved him flat against the ground, shielding him. The screaming started just as the fiery world flickered and his vision went black.

***

Magnus woke up in an world he didn’t recognize, in a world without parts of his heart. When he woke up, the white walls of a hospital were around him, a large hand holding his. Alec gave him a sad, exhausted smile and Magnus blinked. “What happened?” he croaked.

“You hit your head. You’ve been unconscious for awhile,” Alec said, his voice husky.

“What happened?” he asked again, his voice cracking.

Alec’s body sagged, his forehead pressed against Magnus’s arm. “It took five minutes for the gunfire to stop. The… the FBI stopped most of the vans from reaching the Institute… but a few made it in through the gates. We—” he took a deep breath “—we arrested most of them, some died during the shootout.”

“Who?” Magnus whispered.

“Valentine, Jonathan, and Asmodeus were the only ones who refused to surrender. Valentine killed Asmodeus before we could stop him. We had no choice but to take him down. Jonathan… when he saw Valentine fall… he shot himself,” Alec explained. Magnus could feel hot tears against his skin.

“What aren’t you tell me?” his voice was harsh.

Alec raised his head, bloodshot eyes meeting Magnus’s. “I couldn’t… I  _couldn’t_ —” he choked on his tears and Magnus’s heart shattered. He pulled Alec onto the bed with him, holding him close. “I couldn’t get to Max in time,” he cried. “I-I was too far away when Jonathan… when…” his words were lost in the sobs.

Tears streamed down Magnus’s face. He and Max had grown quite close over the last few months. Max was more than willing to help Alec pack up Magnus’s mansion. More than willing to watch Church and Chairman Meow whenever Alec and Magnus wanted to go out. He was… he was such a sweet soul… and now he was just  _gone_.

“Who else?” Magnus demanded, his breath hitching.

“Raphael was still outside.”

Magnus’s world fractured in two and he pressed his face into the crook of Alec’s neck as he grieved the loss of one of his closest friends. He wasn’t ready to hear any more of it. But he needed to hear it.

“And the others?”

Alec sucked in a shaky breath. “No other casualties on our side, just a lot of injuries. Jace… he has a bullet in his shoulder and Luke has one in the thigh but they’ll live.”

Magnus couldn’t breathe. “Is it over?” he forced through tight lungs.

“The Edomites and the Circle are in custody. It’s over, Mags. It’s over.” Alec repeated it over and over and over until Magnus could finally breathe again.

It was over, but it wasn’t okay.

Not even close.

***

**Five Years Later**

“You’re going to be late!” Alec called, pouring a bunch of cereal into a baggy. Little footsteps padded down the stairs. A head of curly brown hair sped around the corner, big brown eyes staring up at him.

“Look, Daddy!” the little boy screeched, placing his hands on his hips in a superhero pose. A cape of silky fabric was flowing behind him.

Alec chuckled, scooping his six-year-old into his arms. He swung him around, helping him fly through the kitchen. “Ready to save the world, Rafe?” he asked as he set the child back on his feet.

“I’m gonna be just like you!” he said proudly. He made a little finger-gun with his hands. “ _Pew, pew_.”

Alec leaned against the counter, crossing his arms over his chest. “What has your father been telling you?” he asked wryly.

“Just that I married a superhero,” Magnus said with a smile, strolling into the kitchen, a chubby one-year-old cradled in one arm. He placed a chaste kiss against Alec’s lips, their younger son squirming between them.

“You guys are gross,” Rafael declared.

“You better get him to school,” Alec murmured to Magnus, taking Max from him.

Magnus pouted, his gaze lowering to Rafe. “You need shoes, little one.” Rafe stuck out his tongue before stomping away.

Alec stared at Magnus as Magnus stared after their son. “We did good, didn’t we?” he asked his husband softly.

Magnus gazed at him, a soft smile on his lips. “We’ve been through so much, Alexander, so many terrible things.” A familiar greif flared in his eyes, his smile turning sad. “ But we’ve survived.” His eyes shifted to Max. He dragged a finger down his chubby cheek. “My little blueberry,” he murmured. A single tear trailed down his face before he looked at Alec again. “I think we’ve done better than  _good_.”

Alec gently took Magnus’s lips with his own.

“Come  _on_ , Papa,” Rafael whined. “I’m going to be late.”

The pair broke apart and Magnus raised an eyebrow. “He gets the sass from you.”

“And he gets the dramatic flare from  _you_ ,” Alec countered. He brushed his lips against Max’s forehead. “I think we’ve done great.”

Magnus laughed, shaking his head. He grabbed the bag of cereal and rushed after their son, sending Alec a wink just before the front door closed.

Alec sighed, rocking slightly as Max looked up at him. “Your papa is an amazing man, Maxie. I still can’t believe he’s  _mine_."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I broke my own heart while writing this. I hope you enjoyed the story and thank you all for sticking around. I love reading your comments. Let me know what you think!!
> 
> On another note, I'm currently working on a Malec Collab with my friend @Flustraaa (Yes, with three a's because she's extra like that). It's called Paroxysm, go look for it!!

**Author's Note:**

> Comment and Kudos!! I'd love to hear what you think! (First time posting on this platform so I apologize if the formatting is off)


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